1. The Art of Saying
“NO!”
A PRESENTATION BY:
ALISHEA S. ENGLISH-HARRIS, MSW

2. What is the definition of “no”?
The word “no” (nō) can be used as an adverb:
1. Used to express refusal, denial, disbelief, emphasis, or disagreement: No, I'm not going. No, you're wrong.
2. Not at all; not by any degree. Often used with the comparative: no better; no more.
3. Not: whether or not.
4. Informal- Used to indicate agreement with a preceding statement, especially when followed by a stronger judgment
supporting that statement: "The car is getting old." "No, I know. It must be 10 years old by now.“
(n. pl.) noes (nōz) 1. A negative response; a denial or refusal: The proposal produced only noes.
2. A negative vote or voter.
(Interj)- Used to express strong refusal, doubt, or disbelief.
www.merriam-webster.com

3. How To Say “No”: Establishing Boundaries
 Setting Boundaries
The best way to learn how to say “no” is by setting boundaries. A boundary is defined
as something that indicates a limit. For example, “I will not commit to more than 2
nights away from my family per week.”
 A boundary in relationships is the line where we end and others begin. Our attitudes,
emotions, actions, thoughts, desires, time, and resources all lie within our boundaries.
These areas of our lives are under our control, not others. In order to be emotionally
healthy and have healthy relationships, we need to set boundaries.
 There is no easy way to set boundaries, especially when we have lived many years
without boundaries. Whether others like us or reject us, we need to set boundaries
consistently, firmly, and kindly -- no matter how others respond.

4. How To Say “No”: Enforcing Boundaries
 How to say no – Enforcing Boundaries
Setting boundaries is not for the weak of heart. In most cases, you will encounter
opposition. That is why you need a support system to strengthen your new
resolve. Your support system will remind you that setting boundaries is not selfish
or mean. On the contrary, setting boundaries is a key element in loving
relationships.
Boundaries produce health and freedom. As you become healthy, you become
aware of areas where you don’t allow others the freedom they need. You will learn
not only to say “no,” but to accept others ability to say “no” to you.

5. Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
 We need to set a limit whenever the actions or expectations of others violate our
space, our freedom, or our boundary. We set a limit by saying “no.”
 Explain that you don’t feel led or compelled to help or participate.
 In some cases, doing something might make you uncomfortable and you need to
express that.
 Explain the boundary you have set. Most people will respect your commitment.
 Be kind, but firm in your answer.

6. How Do You Tell Someone “No”?
 Are you overwhelmed? With today’s busy schedules, you’re not alone. One way to
pare down your schedule is to get good at saying “no” to new commitments.
 Whether you say "yes" instead of “no” out of guilt, inner conflict, or a misguided
notion that you can "do it all," learning to say “no” to more requests can be one of
the biggest favors you can do yourself and those you love.
 It helps reduce stress levels and gives you time for what’s really important.

7. How Do You Tell Someone “No” (cont’d):
 Here's How:
 Just say, “I’m sorry. I can't do this right now.” Use a sympathetic, but firm tone. If pressured as to why,
reply that it doesn’t fit with your schedule, and change the subject. Most reasonable people will accept
this as an answer, so if someone keeps pressuring you, they’re being rude, and it’s OK to just repeat, “I’m
sorry, but this just doesn’t fit with my schedule," and change the subject, or even walk away if you have
to.
 If you’re uncomfortable being so firm, or are dealing with pushy people, it’s OK to say, “Let me think
about it and get back to you.” This gives you a chance to review your schedule, as well as your feelings
about saying "yes" to another commitment, do a cost-benefit analysis, and then get back to them with a
“yes” or “no”. Most importantly, this tactic helps you avoid letting yourself be pressured into
overscheduling your life and taking on too much stress.
 If you would really like to do what they’re requesting, but don’t have the time (or are having trouble
accepting that you don’t), it’s fine to say, “I can’t do this, but I can…” and mention a lesser commitment
that you can make. This way you’ll still be partially involved, but it will be on your own terms.
www.stress.about.com

8. How To Tell Someone “No” (cont’d):
Tips:
 Be firm -- not defensive or overly apologetic -- and polite. This gives the signal that you are
sympathetic, but will not easily change your mind if pressured.
 If you decide to tell the person you’ll get back to them, be matter-of-fact and not too
promising. If you lead people to believe you’ll likely say "yes" later, they’ll be more
disappointed with a later "no."
 If asked for an explanation, remember that you really don’t owe anyone one. “It doesn’t fit
with my schedule,” is perfectly acceptable.
 Remember that there are only so many hours in the day. This means that whatever you
choose to take on limits your ability to do other things. So even if you somehow can fit a
new commitment into your schedule, if it’s not more important than what you would have to
give up to do it (including time for relaxation and self care), you really don’t have the time in
your schedule.
www.traumacounselingnyc.com

9. Establishing Boundaries = Self-
Preservation
 You may feel intimidated to create waves, and avoid rocking the boat within your family or friendships
because of fear of hurting others’ feelings, being rejected, or making people mad at you. Despite this, it’s
integral to your sense of existence and empowerment that you say “no” when you don’t agree or want to
do something.
 It’s important to disappoint another person if it means being true to yourself and not betraying your own
Self and principles. Protect yourself from exploitation by others. Protect yourself from the people who feel
a sense of entitlement to demand things from you by being brave enough to assert yourself with a clear
“no.” I often find that people enduring issues around anger struggle with setting boundaries and self-
advocacy and saying ”no” to others, as well as, themselves. Saying “no” to the unhealthy, impulsive parts
of self engages self-discipline and can help bring an end to addiction, and other impulsive behaviors.
 It is a beautiful thing when you are physically, emotionally, mentally, or professionally present
and supportive to others. After all, we are innately built to be compassionate social beings. However, it is
possible that too much generosity can lead a person to feeling depleted, lost, and emotionally exhausted.
We remain captive prisoners in our mind and bodies when we say “yes” to others while saying “no” to
ourselves.
www.traumacounselingnyc.com

10. Establishing Boundaries = Self-
Preservation
 All humans have a need for a sense of acceptance and belonging, but many live seeking the approval of others and perpetuate cycles
of depression and learned helplessness through avoiding conflict or accepting exploitation. Within our social construct, we have
implicit societal messages that reinforce selfless behaviors that tend to result in people losing their sense of Self. In an unbalanced
system, a person that is overworked, or exhibits immeasurable amounts of selflessness, is revered. However, taking care of the Self is
just as important as benevolence. If you do not consciously make strides in taking care of yourself, you are bound to feel exhaustion,
depression, helplessness, and anxiety.
 Sometimes taking care of yourself means saying “NO” to that coworker or boss that is giving you extra work, or saying “no” to that
family member who is asking for money, exhibiting sense of entitlement, being unfair or mean to you… or saying “no” to that friend
who invites you to support an event you do not believe in, or simply don’t have an interest in attending for other reasons. Maintaining
your integrity and holding true to your principles and values is influential in preserving your sense of Self.
 Find your inner voice and assertively communicate “No” when you feel it is in your best interest. Set limits. No one is exempt from your
boundaries and you are responsible for setting limits and advocating for yourself. Many of us belong to various groups and familial
communities; and while we are cohort members of these groups, we also are individuals that have the right to our autonomy within
these systems.
www.traumacounselingnyc.com

11. In Conclusion:
 Do not fear "the no”. It may seem like a powerfully intimidating two letter word.
But for such a tiny word, "no" is profoundly liberating!
 When you decide, "this does not warrant my immediate attention”, or “this is
counterproductive, we're not doing this“, you embrace your intuition!