Advice for Prospective, New, and Disgruntled Professors USENIX Security PhD Forum Talk 2015 David Evans http://www.cs.virginia.edu/evans/paradise

1. How to Live in Paradise
Advice for Prospective, New, and
Disgruntled Professors
David Evans
www.cs.virginia.edu/evans/paradise
USENIX Security PhD Forum
13 August 2015

2. Encore, Reprise, or Retread?
2014 2015

3. Encore, Reprise, or Retread?
2014 2015
San Diego

4. Encore, Reprise, or Retread?
2014 2015

5. Encore, Reprise, or Retread?
2014 2015
San Diego Washington

6. Encore, Reprise, or Retread?
2014 2015

7. 2014 2015
San Diego
March 2015

8. Encore, Reprise, or Retread?
2014
San Diego Washington
Yesterday

9. 2014 2015
San Diego Washington

10. 2014 2015
San Diego Washington
15 years of wisdom

11. 2014 2015
San Diego Washington
15 years 15 + 1 years

12. Almost everyone hates their dissertation by the time
they’re done with it. The process inherently tends to
produce an unpleasant result, like a cake made out of
whole wheat flour and baked for twelve hours. Few
dissertations are read with pleasure, especially by their
authors.
And aside from that, grad school is close to paradise.
Many people remember it as the happiest time of their
lives. And nearly all the rest, including me, remember it
as a period that would have been, if they hadn't had to
write a dissertation.
Paul Graham, Undergraduation

13. Grad Student = Paradise – dissertation
Professor’s Paradasical Paradox
And aside from that, grad school is close to paradise.
Many people remember it as the happiest time of their
lives. And nearly all the rest, including me, remember it
as a period that would have been, if they hadn't had to
write a dissertation. Paul Graham
+ dissertation + dissertation__________ _________________
Professor = Paradise

14. Professor “Real Job”
Work with whomever you want
Work with obnoxious,
incompetent people
Work on whatever you want
Work on what your
boss/customers want
Work whenever you want Work when your employer wants
Own your own work Employer owns you
Say what you want Say what your employer wants
Fail without consequences Failing gets you fired
If you get bored, can go do
something else for a year
Maybe you get 2 weeks vacation

15. If a professor’s
position is such
paradise, why are so
many professors
miserable?
Professor’s Paradasical Paradox

16. My meta-meta-advice: read/listen to lots
of the second type, but ignore most of it
“Committee” Advice Individual Advice
Probably correct (lots
of people agree on it)
Probably wrong (just one
arrogant person’s opinion)
Generally agreeable
(lots of people agree
on it)
Usually disagreeable
(everyone’s experience is
different)
Always uninteresting
(lots of people agree)
Often interesting
(someone was motivated
enough to write it)

17. Quiz!
Committee or Individual?

18. The truth is that no ideal strategy has
yet been found, and that every
approach has strengths and
weaknesses. Given the current state
of the art in this area, we are
convinced that no one-size-fits-all
approach will succeed at all
institutions. Because introductory
programs differ so dramatically in
their goals, structure, resources, and
intended audience, we need a range
of strategies that have been validated
by practice.
The use of COBOL
cripples the mind; its
teaching should,
therefore, be
regarded as a criminal
offense.
ACM Computing Curricula 2001,
Recommendations of the Joint ACM/IEEE Task
Force on Computing Curricula
Edsger W. Dijkstra,
How do we tell
truths that might
hurt?, 1975

19. Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Me
I’ve been extremely
lucky
I started my career
back when everything
was fun and easy
I had no major
responsibilities until
well after tenure

20. plug book
dori-mic.org
A Tragicomic Tale of
Combinatorics and Computability
for Curious Children of All Ages
The BEST babies' book about computational
universality I've read.
Scott Aaronson

21. Reasons Why You Might
Listen to Me

22. Reason #1
I’ve taught over half a million
students, learned something from
many of them, and many have
gone on to do amazing things.

23. Reason #2
I managed to become a
tenured full professor
without the ignominy of
a single journal paper.

24. Reason #3
I believe enough in what
I’m saying that I’m willing to
buy anyone who wants
more support/details/etc. a
ridiculously expensive
coffee to discuss it.

25. How to
Spend
Your Time
time = values

26. How much should you Work?

27. Goal: no more than 10 hours per year

28. Goal: no more than 10 hours per year

30. Tenure-Track Dilemma
Things that Matter
Personally Fulfilling
Intellectually Satisfying
Socially Gratifying

31. Tenure-Track Dilemma
Things that Matter
Personally Fulfilling
Intellectually Satisfying
Socially Gratifying
Things
that
“Count”

32. Things that Matter
Personally Fulfilling
Intellectually Satisfying
Socially Gratifying
The Real Situation
Things
that
“Count”

33. Typical Grad Student’s Schedule

34. Typical New Professor’s Schedule

35. Typical New Professor’s Schedule
Block out time for family, exercise, sleep, fun
Schedule time for doing things that matter
Long, uninterrupted blocks
Take real vacations!

36. Myth of Linear Payoff
Energy
Value

37. Real Payoff Curve
Energy
Value

38. “Trough of Mediocrity”
Energy
Value
Abyss of Embarrassment
Pinnacle of “Extraordinariness”
Trough of Mediocrity

39. How to Be an Extraordinary Teacher

40. Two Simple Steps!
1. Respect your student’s time
2. Focus on how you want to impact
students five years from now, not
on what they can do in 2.5 hours at
the end of the semester

41. Aspire to do Better

42. What to Aspire To

43. Teaching != Grading
It is not your job to help employers filter students.
Picture: tru.ca

44. My Grading Scale
Gold Star – Excellent Work
Green Star – Got most things I wanted
Silver Star – Some serious problems
Average: 
It is not your job to help employers filter students.

45. Unbounded Expectations!
 - exceptional work
- better than I
thought possible
- breakthrough!
- deserve a
Turing Award!

46. Raising Funds

47. 21st October 1941
Dear Prime Minister,
Some weeks ago you paid us the honour
of a visit, and we believe that you regard
our work as important. … it seems to us
that we have met with unnecessary
impediments. …The cumulative effect,
however, has been to drive us to the
conviction that the importance of the
work is not being impressed with
sufficient force upon those outside
authorities with whom we have to deal.
A.M. Turing (+ 3 others) Winston Churchill
Alan Turing
http://www.cs.virginia.edu/evans/paradise/turing/

48. Target Your Audiences
Your proposal should be appealing to both thorough,
competent reviewers and lazy, grumpy ones!

49. Write Fewer Proposals
Ask for feedback – early enough to be useful
Don’t write proposals because of pressure from
administrators, desire to appear “productive”

50. Get the least restrictive, lowest management,
funding you can (NSF, industry gifts)
Don’t
Diversify

51. Be Open

52. Follow Norms,
Buck Conventions

53. www.cs.virginia.edu/evans/paradise
evans@virginia.edu