Family matters-emotionally-dependent-parent

Dealing with an Emotionally
Dependent Parent
Q: I’m worried about my relationship with my mother. She
depends on me emotionally and doesn’t have any friends. My
mother treats me like I’m her friend, but sometimes I feel
more like her parent.
She depends on me completely for emotional support.
My mother is also manipulative and controlling. She’s a
master of guilt trips and getting her way.
I’m ﬁnally starting to build my own life at the age of 40 and
have a new boyfriend, Eric. However, my mother doesn’t
approve of him and is trying to destroy our relationship. She’s
making me feel guilty, saying that I’m abandoning her
because I have a boyfriend.
What can I do save my new relationship with my boyfriend
while dealing with my mother?
A: Relationships between children and parents can be
complicated, and dependence is a common issue.
FamilyMatters
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Your mother has spent years being emotionally dependent
on you, so it won’t be easy for her to change. However, for
the sake of your new relationship and future, it’s crucial that
you take the ﬁrst steps to building a healthier
relationship with your mom.
Emotionally dependent parents often use guilt trips to
manipulate their children.
Your mother may be living vicariously through you, and you
may have built a pattern of no resistance. It’s important to
establish guidelines with your mother about your relationship
with your boyfriend. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate her
interference in your dating life.
Additionally, you may want to help your mother ﬁnd new
friends, so she can focus on her own life. Does she have
hobbies, or does she enjoy volunteer opportunities that will
help her build new friendships?
Your mother needs friends her own age that will understand
her. This will help reduce the emotional dependence she has
on you.
FAMILY MATTERS: Dealing With an Emotionally Dependent Parent
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Q: My mother doesn’t get along well with new people. She
has trouble making friends, and she hates going out. She’s
divorced, but she refuses to date or even consider it.
My mother has always depended on me emotionally and
refuses to change. She also has issues with other family
members, so she doesn’t communicate with anyone except
me. She says I’m obligated to spend time with her and take
care of her because she raised me.
I’ve tried to help her ﬁnd new friends in the past, but she
refuses. If I don’t call or visit her every day, she says I’ve
abandoned her. She cries, screams, and threatens me.
My mother shares that I’m the only one that’s keeping her
going, and she doesn’t know how to live without me. She
wants to be involved in every detail of my life and doesn’t
want to build her own life.
What can I do to help my mother understand that I need
to build my own life and focus on this new relationship?
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A: It’s common for emotionally dependent parents to use
intimidation and manipulation. They also usually refuse
changes as they try to maintain this type of relationship with
their children.
Your mother is using scare tactics such as threats and
anger to control you.
She accuses you of abandonment to make you feel guilty and
to ensure you don’t leave her. It’s important to realize that
this is a type of emotional manipulation. The survival of your
relationship with Eric depends on your ability to stand up to
your mother. You must remain strong and not allow her
scare tactics to destroy your new relationship.
Also, you can’t force your mother to find new friends.
If she continues to refuse to seek out new friendships, then
you may want to find other ways to help her. Does she have a
hobby or other activity she can enjoy on her own? Does she
like to travel or explore new places around her hometown?
Would she benefit from a new pet?
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The important factor is to help your mother ﬁnd new
interests in life, so she doesn’t depend on you to be her
entire emotional support network.
Q: I can try to help her ﬁnd new interests and friends.
However, there’s something else that is bothering me about
my relationship with my mother. She’s very intrusive and
wants to know every tiny detail of my life. She will go through
my things and demand to know what I’m doing.
She wants to know everything about my boyfriend and our
relationship. My mother has even resorted to asking others
about me.
My mother claims she’s just worried about me and wants
to keep me safe. She belittles me and tells me I’m too young
to know what is good for me. But I’m 40 years old!
What can I do to help my mother understand I need
privacy as an adult?
A: Your mother is also using these invasive tactics to control
you. She’s keeping track of everything you do to satisfy her
own emotional needs and desire for control.
5

Emotionally dependent and manipulative parents will often
explain their unhealthy need for control as a way to keep you
safe. Your mother may actually believe that she’s helping you
or saving you by being involved in your life. On the other
hand, she may simply be using control to satisfy her own
needs.
Your mother needs clear boundaries that allow you to
maintain privacy.
She will continue to meddle in your personal life and
relationship as long as you allow her to do it. It’s diﬃcult to
reason with an emotionally dependent parent, so you have to
use other methods.
You must discuss the issue of privacy with your mother and
ask her to stop going through your things. She must
understand that you’re serious and won’t back down or
change your mind.
In addition, you may have built a pattern of sharing things
with your mother over the years. If you want privacy, then you
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have to learn to handle your own issues and stop sharing
details with your mother.
If your mother continues to question others about you or
your boyfriend, you may want to talk to these people and ask
them to stop sharing details about you with your mother.
Q: I understand I have to talk to her about the privacy issues,
but it’s diﬃcult to get her to listen.
If she doesn’t like the direction of the conversation, then she
resorts to screaming and ﬁghting with me. She gets angry
easily and won’t calm down for days. Sometimes she uses
another tactic and pretends to be sick or frail.
She claims my conversations with her are making her sick
and tries to blame me for her health.
I’m just trying to make her understand that I need to have my
own life.
What can I do to make my mother listen to my needs?
How can I make her listen to me if she starts yelling and gets
angry?
7

A: If your mother resorts to anger, yelling, or ﬁghting during a
conversation, then you still have to maintain your calm. You
can’t allow your mother’s emotions to change your mind.
It’s important to establish boundaries and guidelines, so she
understands your commitment to living an independent life.
Your mother will need time to accept this. Just continue
emphasizing your boundaries and guidelines. She has to
learn that you’re serious about making changes.
You have to be prepared for her reaction and accept that
she’ll respond with the usual intimidation and manipulation.
However, if you want your dating life to stay private, then you
have to take control. You can’t allow your mother to rule your
life and invade your privacy.
Emotionally dependent and manipulative parents have a
tendency to resist changes, so it’s important to stay
strong. You can make your relationship with your mother
healthier, but it will take time and eﬀort from both sides.
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Both you and your mother may also beneﬁt from therapy.
You may want to consider individual or group therapy that
can help you handle the relationship. A professional therapist
may be able to help both of you establish healthier lives
without emotional dependence.
Best of luck to you as you work to build healthy relationships
with your mother and Eric.
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