This document discusses understanding infidelity in relationships. It begins by outlining some key topics that will be covered, including understanding affairs, why spouses cheat, how affairs happen, recovery from affairs, and safeguarding marriages. It then discusses what constitutes an affair and some common myths about them. It explores reasons people may be tempted to cheat and the typical stages an affair progresses through. The document provides advice for both spouses who have been cheated on and those who have done the cheating on how to try to recover and move forward. It ends by offering some strategies for safeguarding marriages to help prevent infidelity.
2. John R. Williams, MMFT 2
We Are All Torn Between
Faithfulness & Infidelity
Designed to Give
God’s Faithful Love
To fulfill our own
and our mate’s
expectations to be
faithfully loved
Template of true
husband and wife
Born from Adultery
Deeply imbued with
patterns of weakness
and betrayal
Evil template of false
mate and false friend
and elder
3. John R. Williams, MMFT 3
Understanding Affairs
Why Spouses Cheat
How Affairs Happen
Recovery from Affairs
Safeguarding Your Marriage
5. John R. Williams, MMFT 5
What Is Infidelity?
One partner squandering what was
assumed to belong exclusively to the
spouse
Dividing love between two
Violation of emotional and physical
boundaries
Invasion of the sacred partnership
“I thought we had a special relationship and
now you have ruined it”
6. John R. Williams, MMFT 6
Three Defining Elements
of Infidelity
1. Secrecy
Encounters hidden
from spouse and
others
2. Emotional intimacy
Sharing confidences
the spouse doesn’t
know
Dependency
3. Sexual chemistry
Mutual attraction
The affair begins
once both sides
recognize this,
and don’t break it off
Shirley Glass, Not “Just Friends”
7. John R. Williams, MMFT 7
Infidelity Involves Reversal of
“Walls & Windows”
Marriage partners
Close off walls to others
Open windows to
each other
Cheaters in affairs
Put up a wall to their spouse about the lover
Open a window to the lover about their
spouse, marriage and inner life
Bond with the lover over shared secrets
8. John R. Williams, MMFT 8
Impact of Affair on the Family
During the affair:
The spouse
senses a
problem but
doubts their
instincts
Children absorb
the mentality
of the cheater
or the cheated
After the affair:
Deep humiliation and
sense of violation
Self-doubt: “Aren’t I good
enough?”
Rage and resentment
Shattered ideals about
love, commitment and
trust in the opposite sex
9. John R. Williams, MMFT 9
Myths about Affairs
1. It takes you by
surprise
2. It was a loveless
marriage
3. The spouse was
lacking somehow
4. It’s about sex and
being sexy
5. Unless there is sex
there is no affair
6. The sex makes it so
unforgivable
7. It’s only about weak
character
8. Cheating is
inevitable
10. John R. Williams, MMFT 10
Myths about Affairs I
1. It takes you by surprise
It is often a long process
Involves many small
lapses of judgement
2. It was a loveless
marriage
55% of husbands and
35% of wives who cheat
are in happy marriages
3. The spouse was
lacking somehow
Blaming the victim
is common after
the affair begins
The cheater
was likely lacking
Cheating is the
cheater’s
responsibility
11. John R. Williams, MMFT 11
Myths about Affairs II
4. It’s about sex and
being sexy
Many affairs are for
companionship
Sex may well be
better at home
Lovers are chosen to
be different from the
spouse, not always
better looking
5. Without sex,
there is no affair
Emotional affairs
can be just as
hard to break off
To wives,
emotional affairs
can be worse
than one night
stands
12. John R. Williams, MMFT 12
Myths about Affairs III
6. The sex makes it so
unforgivable
The deceit is often more so
7. It’s all about weak
character
80-90% of betrayers or
betrayed had adulterous
parents
Good people under great
stress can fall
8. Cheating is
inevitable
Only about
18% of
spouses
cheat
Adulterers
tend to have
friends who
believe this
13. John R. Williams, MMFT 13
Frequency of Infidelity
Affects about 35%
of marriages
About 24% of
men
About 14% of
women
Sex in America, University of
Chicago
Early years of
marriage are high risk
Many are unfaithful as
they are leaving a
marriage
Rates for women are
increasing
14. John R. Williams, MMFT 14
4 Kinds of Affairs I
1. One Night Stand
Quick sexual
encounter
Impersonal
Cheater was
impaired by
alcohol, tiredness,
etc.
2. Addictive
Many impersonal
sexual encounters
Can’t stop
Cycle of remorse
then repeating
15. John R. Williams, MMFT 15
4 Kinds of Affairs II
3. Emotional
Nurturing; started as
friendship
“Soulmate” obsession
that’s hard to break off
Hard to feel guilty
May be tantalizingly
non-physical
Lasts 18 to 24 mos.
4. Common Interest
Periodic,
based on
shared activity
No other
contact
between
encounters
Hard to break off
16. John R. Williams, MMFT 16
Affairs & Gender Differences I
Intimacy and sex
1. Men tend to sexualize a
close friendship
View sharing of feelings
as sign of romantic bond
2. Women tend to get
emotionally intimate
before considering
physical connection
Affair with
“just sex”
25% of men
3% of women
17. John R. Williams, MMFT 17
Affairs & Gender Differences II
Marital discontent
Wives tend to be
dissatisfied with
marriage long
before an affair
Men are often
satisfied yet
caught by
temptation
Betrayal
Women can feel
more betrayed by
long relationships
involving intimate
conversation, gifts
and time
Men tend to see sex
as worse than
emotional contact
19. John R. Williams, MMFT 19
Affair as “Vanity Mirror”
“I like the way I look in my lover’s eyes”
1. Escape from the reflection of shortcomings in
your spouse’s view of you
Can be the heroic rescuer, the sexy beauty,
the sensitive, understanding one
2. Assuages one or both most basic fears:
Am I accepted and loved?
Am I good enough?
20. John R. Williams, MMFT 20
How Fatal Attractions Begin
1. Unfinished business in
the early child’s and
sibling’s realms of heart
pushes to get resolved
Harnesses sexual energy
to meet emotional needs
Can be healthy in marriage
but fatal outside of it
2. Leads to
forbidden
desires for sex
and the wrong
person
Opposite sex
Same sex
Older
Younger
Bad character
21. John R. Williams, MMFT 21
Fatal Attraction
1. Someone meets long
denied emotional
needs
Generates blinding
infatuation
2. Artificial situations
make lover look good
Spouse may look bad
by comparison
22. John R. Williams, MMFT 22
12 Factors
Increasing Temptation 1
1. Long term stress and fatigue
2. Desire to escape a painful marriage
3. Poor communication, conflict resolution or
problem solving skills
4. Wanting relief from sadness, boredom or
feeling old
5. Longing for approval, attention, comfort, etc.
6. Looking for a way to grow
23. John R. Williams, MMFT 23
12 Factors
Increasing Temptation 2
7. Fear of being controlled or getting too close
8. Resentment against the partner
9. Deviant sexual arousal patterns not satisfied
in marriage
10.Immaturity; belief in entitlement to sex or
happiness
11.Parents involved in infidelity
12.Friends who cheat
25. John R. Williams, MMFT 25
People Helpers’
Vulnerabilities to Affairs
Deeply involved in
other’s personal
lives, so can get too
close
Prone to burnout, so
vulnerable to comfort
Receive criticism and
little thanks, so can
need appreciation
Look like saviors to
others
Their marriages are
strained by their
dedication
Investing their whole
heart, so can be
deeply hurt
Co-workers share
their dedication, hurts
and fatigue, so they
make a strong bond
26. John R. Williams, MMFT 26
4 Steps towards an Affair
1. Fantasies of involvement
2. (Emotional involvement)
3. Physical involvement
4. Rationalizations
27. John R. Williams, MMFT 27
1. Fantasies of Involvement
Imagining being with someone
Whether fictional or real people
Rehearses possibilities and lowers resistance
Invites others to dare you to fulfil your fantasy
“Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already
committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
28. John R. Williams, MMFT 28
2. Emotional Involvement
1. Friendship
becomes
dependency
Rely on them to
meet marital
needs
2. Male/female
magnetism
Constant pull
3. Hard to detect or admit
No outward sin
Only motives are wrong
4. Touching emotionally
Meeting need for
acceptance, affirmation,
recognition
29. John R. Williams, MMFT 29
Warning Signs
You’ve got a need
your mate isn’t meeting:
Attention, fun,
approval or affection
It’s easier to unwind
with this person
You discuss marital
problems with this
person
You dress with this
person in mind
You look forward to
being with this
person
You wonder what
you’d do if you didn’t
have this friend to
talk with
You hide the
relationship from
your mate
30. John R. Williams, MMFT 30
3. Physical Involvement
1. Emotional intimacy wants increasing physical
expression
2. One kiss can be electrifying
Escalates the bonding
Harder to move from friendship to the first kiss
than from a kiss to intercourse
“These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is
allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” James 1:15
31. John R. Williams, MMFT 31
4. Rationalizations
It feels too good to
stop
Cover-ups and
excuses needed as
with any addiction
Explains it after the
fact, often criticizing
the spouse to justify
what happened
Just one more time and
no more
If my spouse met my
needs, I wouldn’t do this
My lover needs me
God knows I need this
and will forgive me
No one knows; what’s
the harm?
33. John R. Williams, MMFT 33
Surviving the Affair:
12 Points for the Cheated I
1. Get help
To control primitive
reactions
To carefully
choose your
responses
You probably can’t
save your marriage
by yourself
2. Let yourself
feel your
feelings
Like a grieving
process, it takes
time
Vent both anger
and sadness
34. John R. Williams, MMFT 34
Surviving the Affair:
12 Points for the Cheated II
3. Treat unrepentant
adultery like abuse
Do not enable them to
carry on the affair
Do not try to
“win them back”
Demand respect
Use “tough love” and
give consequences
4. Set your
boundaries
clearly
Declare what will
not be tolerated
5. Act as honorably
as possible
Avoid disrespect
35. John R. Williams, MMFT 35
Surviving the Affair:
12 Points for the Cheated III
6. Ask for the
information
you need
Disarm secrets
and regain
power
But don’t ask
for more details
than you can
handle
7. Check for STDs
Do not have sex until
the affair is over and
your mate has been
cleared
36. John R. Williams, MMFT 36
Surviving the Affair:
12 Points for the Cheated IV
8. Recognize your mate
is “on drugs”
Try not to take it
personally
9. Avoid a victim
mentality
Depersonalize and
accept what has
happened
10. Find
forgiveness
For what you
can
Don’t be
manipulated
by guilt
37. John R. Williams, MMFT 37
Surviving the Affair:
12 Points for the Cheated V
11. Believe in a
future beyond this
Don’t let the affair
define your
marriage
Pray to emerge
stronger
12. Seek meaning
from this crisis
Reversing
ancestral sin
Use it to become a
better spouse and
couple
38. John R. Williams, MMFT 38
Surviving the Affair:
6 Points for the Cheater I
1. Take full responsibility
for what went wrong
Never blame your mate
for your choice
Accept your mate’s
abusive reactions and
other pain as the cost of
your mistake
2. Get help
Buddy to help
hold you
accountable
A coach to
keep you on
track
Counselor to
explore
weaknesses
39. John R. Williams, MMFT 39
Surviving the Affair:
6 Points for the Cheater II
3. Create safety;
reverse walls and
windows
End secrets
Volunteer
information to
your spouse
Report unavoidable
encounters with the
lover
4. Prove you are
trustworthy
Account for your
whereabouts and
spending at all
times
As often and as
long as necessary
40. John R. Williams, MMFT 40
Surviving the Affair:
6 Points for the Cheater III
5. Cut off from the
lover
Not even email or
texting
Expect to be
depressed for
weeks, like drug
withdrawal
You will want to go
back at times
6. Correct the
vulnerabilities
leading to the
affair
“What did I like
about myself with
the lover?”
What needs was I
unaware were not
being met?
42. John R. Williams, MMFT 42
Safeguarding Your Marriage I
1. Acknowledge that attractions and
mistakes can happen
Regardless of commitment or love
2. Discuss with your spouse when you are
vulnerable and tempted
Admit to yourself what kind of person might
be a Fatal Attraction
Clarify what infidelity is to each other
Pledge to tell of any attractions or mistakes
within 24 hours
43. John R. Williams, MMFT 43
Safeguarding Your Marriage II
3. Maintain boundaries
Be careful about eye contact
Share deepest feelings, needs, and
difficulties only with your spouse
Keep “window” to mate and “walls” to all
others
4. Extinguish attractions when they begin
Recognize they are 80% unreality
Never tell the other of attractions
44. John R. Williams, MMFT 44
Safeguarding Your Marriage III
5. Be careful at work and online
You cannot know who is vulnerable
Don’t chat with the same person all the time
When travelling, meet only in public areas
Playful exchanges can look like flirting
Include your spouse in meetings and email
exchanges
45. John R. Williams, MMFT 45
Safeguarding Your Marriage III
6. Avoid isolation from spouse
Bring things out in the open to discuss
Ask for what you need
7. Keep courting your spouse
Constantly win your mate’s love
Reserve time for talk and fun experiences
Have “secret” encounters and playful sex
Focus on mate’s strengths as others do
Invest as much as in parenting
46. John R. Williams, MMFT 46
Safeguarding Your Marriage IV
8. Pursue marriage strengthening activities
Share new recreational, educational and
spiritual adventures together
Mentor new couples
Keep learning new information and skills
9. Choose pro-marriage friends
Be careful whom you discuss problems with
Find same-sex accountability buddies
Nurture “couple” friendships
47. John R. Williams, MMFT 47
Recommended Resources
Torn Asunder, by Tom Carder
Not “Just Friends,” by Shirley Glass,
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair
Proof Marriage, by Willard Harley &
MarriageBuilders.com
The Divorce Remedy, by Michele Wiener
Davis & DivorceBusters.com
AffairRecovery.com
48. John R. Williams, MFT 48
John R. Williams, MFT
John@JohnWilliamsCounselor.com