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The Biology of
Belonging
Loretta Graziano Breuning, PhD
Inner Mammal Institute
Most mammals live in
a herd or pack or troop
We tend to idealize their
social bonds
The truth is that animals have
a lot of conflict in their groups
But they stick together for
protection from predators
When predator threat is low, they
spread out in search of greener pasture
We humans do the same
We like our independence, but
when we feel threatened, we look
for the safety of social support.
Mammals forget their differences and
unite when they face a common enemy
In the groups you belong to, you can
hear the focus on common enemies
Unfortunate
consequences result
Biology can help us understand our
impulses and find a better way
1
Why our brain urgently seeks
the good feeling of belonging
2
Why it’s hard to get
3
New ways to get it
1
Why our brain urgently
seeks the good feeling of
belonging
An isolated mammal is
quickly killed by predators
Natural selection built a brain that
rewards you with the good feeling of
oxytocin when you find social support
Oxytocin motivates us to find social
support by making it feel good
When you
leave the
herd, your
oxytocin
falls, and
you feel
threatened
The threatened feeling
motivates you to do what it
takes to stimulate oxytocin
Oxytocin creates the sense that
it’s safe to lower your guard
It feels so good that we
constantly seek more
2
Why it’s hard to get
Our brain is
not designed
to release
oxytocin all
the time for
no reason
That would not promote survival
because you would lower your
guard when you shouldn’t
The mammal brain evolved to
make careful decisions about
when to release oxytocin
How to
decide?
Your verbal brain doesn’t
control the chemicals
the way you
might think
Neurons connect when oxytocin
flows, and that wires you to turn it on
more easily in similar circumstances
So each brain is eager to repeat
behaviors that triggered the good
feeling in its past
Oxytocin is released in short
spurts that are quickly metabolized
So you have to keep doing
things to trigger it
You may have heard that
touch triggers oxytocin
But it’s complicated
In the state of nature, anyone
close enough to touch you is
close enough to kill you
You don’t let someone
close unless your
oxytocin turns
on to tell you
it’s safe
Trust
comes before touch
Hugging someone you don’t
trust doesn’t feel good
Trust is what the mammal
brain is really looking for
We define trust with
oxytocin pathways
built from past experience
When your
trust is
betrayed,
your cortisol
surges because
the threat is
so close
That wires you NOT to
trust in similar situations
Each brain expects conflict or
rejection where they found it before
Each brain seeks belonging
in ways that worked before
We all see the world through
the lens of past experience
It’s not easy being
mammal!
Biology of belonging
3
new oxytocin strategies
1. Build one-to-one trust skills
2. Small steps, repeated
3. Realistic expectations
1
Build one-to-one trust skills
Build trust with individuals
and you’re less dependent
on the herd for your oxytocin
This is hard! That’s why
herd-following is popular!
But it’s a skill everyone
can learn with practice
Confidence in
your own trust-
building skills
allows you to
take independent
steps without
feeling like your
survival is
threatened
2
small steps, repeated
Small acts of trust
stimulate oxytocin
You can’t
control
the other
person’s
response
Don’t wait for any one
individual to reciprocate
Keep taking small
steps toward others
Repetition builds a neural
pathway that EXPECTS trust
Mirror neurons help them mirror you
Small steps are enough if
you keep repeating them
You will build
positive
expectations
about social
support
3
Realistic expectations
It feels like no one understands
you because each brain is wired
by its own unique experience
In
childhood,
survival
depends
on being
understood
This wires in strong feelings
about being understood that
remain with us for life
The electricity in the brain flows
like water in a storm, finding the
paths of least resistance
Thus we repeat old patterns
without conscious intent
If you cling to an idealized
view of human nature,
everyone falls short
You can
find fault
with
everyone
Some
reality
checks
You may think animals “stick together,”
but each pushes its way toward the center
as if its life depends on it
Reptiles don’t have oxytocin
except during reproduction
Oxytocin
allows
mammals to
form
attachments
But the brain constantly
weighs the survival benefits
Mammals cooperate when
the reward is mutual
Our brain evolved to
promote survival,
not to make you feel good all the time
It saves the happy
chemicals for behaviors
that promote survival
You seek belonging
because it meets
YOUR survival needs
Others seek belonging
because it meets
THEIR survival needs
We all have ups and downs
shaped by old pathways
Understanding the mammal
brain helps us manage it better
podcasts
videos
infographics
training
slide shows (incl this)
5-day Happy-Chemical Jumpstart
InnerMammalInstitute.org
Habits of a
Happy Brain
Retrain Your Brain to
Boost Your Serotonin,
Dopamine, Oxytocin,
and Endorphin
$11
TAME
YOUR
ANXIETY
Rewiring Your Brain
for Happiness
The Science
of Positivity
Stop Negative
Thought Patterns
By Changing Your
Brain Chemistry
$11

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Biology of belonging