What constitutes abuse. Types of abuse. How to know if you are in an abusive relationship. Characteristic of an abuser. Presentation given in my weekly Women in Transition group at Kaiser Permanente Northern California -Dept of Adult Psychiatry. Santa Clara Medical Center.

1. ABUSE IN
RELATIONSHIPS
Lucia Merino, LCSW
July 2015

2. Definition of Abuse:
cruel and violent treatment of a person
• What constitutes abuse in a relationship?
• Abuse occurs when one person in an intimate relationship tries to dominate
and control the other person.
• The purpose of the abuse is to gain and maintain total control over the
victim. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear the victim
down and keep her under his thumb. An abuser may also threaten, hurt, or
hurt those around the victim. May also get rid, hurt or kill victim’s pets.

3. Healthy Vs Unhealthy Relationships
• What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual respect, equality, trust,
communication and freedom. Each person is allowed to be an individual
within the relationship. Both people grow independently of each other as
well as grow as a couple.
• What is an abusive relationship?
Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to maintain power and
control over a partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical
and can include threats, isolation or intimidation.

4. Healthy relationships are based on equality
Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control

5. Different kinds of abuse
• Physical: pushing shoving hitting, hurting, slapping, kicking, using belt or
other objects, burning, biting, cutting, using weapons. Killing. Dismembering.
• Psychological which includes verbal and emotional abuse: use of threats,
isolation, intimidation, using children to manipulate, using male privilege.
• Economic/Financial: having control over the money. Giving an allowance.
• Sexual: Forcing partner to have sex against her will. Any sexual interaction.

6. Physical
• Physical abuse:

7. Psychological: verbal, emotional
• Psychological abuse:

8. Economic/Financial
• Economic abuse:

9. Sexual
• Sexual abuse:

10. Abuse develops into a cycle

11. The phases of abuse become smaller.
The abuse becomes more frequent

12. Are you in an abusive relationship?
Signs of an abusive relationship:
• There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of
your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—
constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are
your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an
abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and
feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
• To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The
more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

13. Characteristics of an abuser
• An abuser is typically:
• 1. Charming. Initially, he showers his woman with praise, adoration, and attention.
His courtship is sweet and intense filled with phrases such as, “I can’t live without
you.” He quickly pushes for an exclusive relationship or engagement.
• 2. Jealous. He views other men as a threat to the relationship and accuses you of
flirting with everyone from his brother to the mailman. “I know you are looking at
him.” The irony is that he often is the one who is cheating.
• 3. Manipulative. This man is very intelligent. He knows how to detect your weak
spots, and he uses your vulnerability and past pain to his advantage. “You were
abused as a kid because you are so ugly.”

14. Characteristic of an abuser (cont.)
• 4. Controlling. He wants to know where you are going and who you are with at all
times. He may check the mileage on your car or follow you to the grocery store. He
often refuses to allow you to work because you might “meet someone.”
• 5. A Victim. His poor choices are everyone else’s fault. When he loses his job, gets
into a fight, or a business deal falls through, it’s always because of the other person.
He is never at fault. “You make me hit you.”
• 6. Narcissistic. The whole world revolves around him. As the “little woman who is
beneath him,” it is your job to meet his every need. He is the master; you are the
unworthy slave. It’s invigorating for him to know that everyone around him “walks
on eggshells.”

15. Characteristics of an abuser (cont.)
• 7. Inconsistent. Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he
seems happy and sweet, the next he is pounding his fist.
• 8. Critical. No matter how hard you try you will never be able to satisfy this kind of
man. He thinks nothing of degrading and verbally assaulting you. “You are a stupid,
fat, disgusting tramp. You can never leave me. No other man would have you.”
• 9. Disconnected. His main goal is to isolate his victim from family and friends so
that you are totally dependent on him. “Your family causes too much trouble for us.
I don’t want you seeing them anymore.”

16. Characteristic of an abuser
• 10. Hypersensitive. The slightest offense sends him ranting. Everyone is out to
“get him.”
• 11. Vicious and cruel. A significant number of abusers harm children and animals
as well as a partner. Inflicting pain and intimidating others is what gives him power.
“I’ll kill you before I’ll let you go. If I can’t have you, no one will.”
• 12. Insincerely repentant. He will swear to never “hit you again.” But unless he
receives professional help and strong accountability it’s very unlikely that he will
change.

17. Where to go for help
• You may know somebody who is suffering from abuse. Pass on this info: Call 911, or
• www.thehotline.org –The National Domestic Violence Hotline
• www.cdph.ca.gov/HealthInfo/injviosaf/Pages/ViolencePreventionResourceDirectory.
aspx California Department of Public Health
• kp.org/domesticviolence/Kaiser Permanente Family Violence Prevention Program
• http://www.nextdoor.org/ In San Jose: legal, financial, housing assistance. Groups.
• http://ywca-sv.org/programs/SN/ YMCA Silicon Valley –
• http://www.womaninc.org/contact/ W.O.M.A.N. Inc.

18. Thank you for your participation
Remember: Abuse is never the victim’s fault

19. Every woman deserves a life of freedom

20. Thanks to the following sources:
• https://kp.org/domesticviolence/index.html –Kaiser Permanente Against DV/
• http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
• http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
• http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/petherbridge_abusertraits.aspx
• http://www.theduluthmodel.org/training/wheels.html
• http://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/
• http://www.ncadv.org/
• http://www.ncdsv.org/