Achieving happiness and college success is overrated. Follow these five rules to reach your goal of being perfectly miserable at college or university.

1. How to Be
MISERABLE
at College or University
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2. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Back
scratches. Led Zeppelin. Puppies. College
success.
What do these things all have in common?
They are all so totally overrated.
You don’t want to learn how to succeed in
college. You know better than that! You, my
friend, are looking to be miserable at college,
and if there’s anything I know about in my
plain ice cream, itchy, silent, puppy-less life,
it’s how to be miserable.
Here are some tips to help you become just
as miserable as I am while you trudge your
way through college.

3. 1. Study, study, then
study some more.
Remove the concept of "balance" entirely from
your student life. Place your entire self-worth on
your academic college success, and I guarantee
you’ll be miserable in two weeks flat.

4. 2. Party like a rock star.
Party enough to make yourself feel like the student loan you took out
has gone completely to waste, and then think about how long it will
take you to repay that wasted investment. Consider your transition
to utter misery complete.

5. 3. Take classes you hate.
You know what’s way cooler than being a happy
history major? Why, being a miserable biology
major, of course. Since you’re not looking to learn
how to succeed in college, I advise you to take
only classes in which you have no interest.

6. 4. Don't try to
make friends.
Instead of taking advantage of your
situation and developing
relationships with new people, you
should cling to high school
friendships with people who live in
different cities, states, or maybe
even countries. Those unsatisfying
relationships will be sure to keep
you good and miserable.

7. 5. Never leave
your dorm room.
You can’t possibly achieve college success or general life
satisfaction from the safety of your room, which is why
your room is where you must stay.
You might experience growth if
you leave, and self-development is
certainly the very last thing you
want in your quest to be
miserable at college.
Changed your mind?
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