Unfinished Business The Movie has all the answers you need to mitigate the disaster, cover up the destruction and, above all, deny the entire thing when human resources comes calling.
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More than Just Lines on a Map: Best Practices for U.S Bike Routes
Crisis Management: How To Cover Up After You've Gone Balls Out
1. BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CRISIS
MANAGEMENT
HOW TO COVER UP AFTER YOU’VE GONE BALLS OUT
2. INTRODUCTION
• As Warren Buffett proclaimed: “It takes 20 years to build a reputation
and five minutes to ruin it.”
• In order to prevent the bad from getting worse, you need a foolproof
plan to mitigate the disaster, cover up the destruction and, above all,
deny the entire thing when human resources comes calling
3. AVOIDING A DESTRUCTION
OF PROPERTY CHARGE
• 28% of vandalism charges can be reduced to a misdemeanor,
provided you hire a lawyer who has represented at least one former
child actor
• If the destruction of property is accidental you are not guilty of a crime
• Three foolproof “Not Guilty” excuses to ensure you cannot be charged
for your actions, which could include but is not limited to, busting a
window, tagging a building (or person), and trashing a hotel room:
“I slipped
on a used
condom”
“I was
sleepwalking
at the time”
“It was my
evil twin that
I haven’t met
yet”
4. WHEN SEXTING GOES AWRY
• At least 1/3 of the US population aged
18 or higher is involved in some form of
nude sexting
WHERE DO SEXTS GO?
Share
17%
Lie About Sharing
83%
Of those that admit to sharing,
55% share them with one or
more person. In other words, if
you’re sending your junk, lots
of people are seeing it.
Top Tips
• Know your angles – avoid
showcasing visible tattoos,
hideous scarring, identifiable
freckles or your company logo in
the background
• Less is more. (No one needs to
see your O-face)
• Filters are your friend – Dick pics
look bigger in sepia tone
5. SO YOU’VE KILLED AN ANIMAL
WITH YOUR COMPANY CAR…
• Estimated number of animals
killed daily in the United
States: 1 million
• Odds of killing something
when driving: 1 in 23
• Odds of killing something
when you’re late and
desperate to get somewhere:
1 in 2
• Odds of being able to
“repurpose” your road kill:
1 in 9
Ignore it
and keep driving
Hide it in a ditch
and keep driving
Problem solved!
Determining your
Post-Accident POA
Is the animal you hit bigger
than a bread box?
No Yes
6. DEALING WITH HR
Top Tips
• Do not be yourself. Always lie.
• Deny any and all office hookups
• Uncomfortable, unwavering eye contact will get you everything
• There is no such thing as a “risk-free” workplace. Find the flaw and
exploit it for any questionable injuries sustained “on the job”
• If you’re (literally) caught with your pants down, claim sexual
harassment, discrimination or fake an epileptic fit
7. SUMMARY
Remember the three golden rules and no crisis will
ever ruin your rep:
1. Live like a boy scout.
Always be prepared.
2. Hide any and all evidence.
3. Deny, deny, deny…
and then blame someone else.