3. THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF APOLOGY
FIVE ELEMENTS OF APOLOGY
๏ขExpressing Regret - "I am sorry"
๏ขAccepting Responsibility - "I was
wrong"
๏ขMaking Restitution - "What can I do
to make it right?"
๏ขGenuinely Repenting - "I'll try not to
do that again"
๏ขRequesting Forgiveness - "Will you
please forgive me?"
4. LEARNING TO FORGIVE
๏ข If the person who offended you does not come back to
apologize, then, according to Jesus, confront the offender.
If he repents, forgive him.
๏ข If the person does not apologize, release that person
๏ข Don't allow the other person's refusal to apologize to keep
you from apologizing.
๏ข Be willing to apologize and admit your failures, regardless
what the other person does.
5. SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN HURT
VERY DEEPLY OR OFTEN MAY NOT
BE EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, OR
PHYSICALLY ABLE TO GENUINELY
EXTEND FORGIVENESS RIGHT NOW.
THEY MAY NEED TIME FOR
EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL HEALING
TO BUILD THE CAPACITY TO
FORGIVE.
7. WHEN WE COMMIT ACTIONS OR
SPEAK WORDS THAT ARE
DETRIMENTAL TO ANOTHER, THE
CONSEQUENCES OF THOSE
ACTIONS AND WORDS ARE NEVER
FULLY REMOVED, EVEN WITH
GENUINE FORGIVENESS.
FORGIVENESS DOES NOT REMOVE
ALL PAINFUL EMOTIONS. NOR
DOES IT REMOVE THE MEMORY OF
THE EVENT.
8. KEY INSIGHTS
๏ข "When one's sense of right is violated, that
person will experience anger. He or she
will feel wronged and resentful at the
person who has violated their trust.
๏ขThe wrongful act stands as a barrier
between the two people, and the
relationship is fractured. They cannot,
even if they desired, live as though the
wrong had not been committed.
9. ๏ข Something inside the offended calls for justice. It is these
human realities that serve as the basis of all judicial
systems.โ
๏ข "Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created
by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over
time.โ
๏ข "What most people are looking for in an apology is
sincerity.โ
๏ข "An apology has more impact when it's specific. Be specific
about what you are sorry about. Demonstrate by language
that you understand how and how much you have hurt the
person.
10. DO NOT FOLLOW WITH, "BUTโฆ"!
"ANYTIME WE VERBALLY SHIFT
THE BLAME TO THE OTHER
PERSON, WE HAVE MOVED FROM
AN APOLOGY TO AN ATTACK.
ATTACKS NEVER LEAD TO
FORGIVENESS AND
RECONCILIATION." "ANYTIME AN
APOLOGY IS FOLLOWED BY AN
EXCUSE FOR THE OFFENSE, THE
EXCUSE CANCELS OUT THE
APOLOGY
11. WE FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF
FORGIVENESS. FORGIVENESS IS ESSENTIALLY
A CHOICE TO LIFT THE PENALTY AND TO LET
THE PERSON BACK INTO OUR LIVES."
"FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS TO BE REQUESTED
BUT NEVER DEMANDED." "โฆWHEN YOU
REQUEST TO BE FORGIVEN, YOU ARE MAKING A
HUGE REQUEST. IT WILL BE COSTLY TO THE
PERSON YOU HAVE OFFENDED. WHEN THEY
FORGIVE YOU, THEY MUST GIVE UP THEIR
DESIRE FOR JUSTICE. THEY MUST RELINQUISH
THEIR HURT AND ANGER, THEIR FEELING OF
EMBARRASSMENT OR HUMILIATION. THEY
MUST GIVE UP THEIR FEELINGS OF REJECTION
AND BETRAYAL. SOMETIMES, THEY MUST LIVE
WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR WRONG
BEHAVIOR."
12. FINAL THOUGHTS
๏ข"Forgiveness and trust are not to be
equated. Because forgiveness is a decision,
it can be extended immediately when one
perceives he has heard a sincere apology.
However, trust is not a decision-it is
rather an emotion. Trust is that gut-level
confidence that you will do what you say
you will do." "Trust is that emotional
sense that I can relax with you and don't
have to be suspicious. I can let down my
emotional guard because you will not
knowingly hurt me.โ
13. ๏ข"Forgiveness does not remove the
memory of the event." "If we have chosen
to forgive, we take the memory to God
along with the hurt feelings, acknowledge
to Him what we are thinking and feeling,
but thank Him that by His grace the
offense has been forgiven. Then we ask
God for the power to do something kind
and loving for that person today. We
choose to focus on the future and not
allow our minds to be obsessed with past
failures that are now forgiven."