2. INT.OFFICE.DAY
Larry, a fresh out of film school producer, is presenting
his idea to two studio executives, Grant and Alan. They are
all in a conference room, the two executives sit stiffly
glaring at Larry with contempt. Larry stands near the end of
the table awkwardly, not knowing what to do (teenage
awkwardness). There is a painfully awkward silence.
LARRY, a fresh out of film school producer, enters the
conference room. The two studio executives, GRANT and ALAN,
glare at him from the other sde of the room.
LARRY
Hello, my name is Larry Cohen
GRANT and ALAN glare at him in silence
LARRY
Nice day today isn’t it?
GRANT and ALAN glare at him in silence
LARRY
I mean as a whole this year has had
consistently good weather, compared
to last year at least
GRANT
Just get on with it Larry. I want
to be finished by lunch
LARRY
Um right, yes hello. Thank you for
the opportunity and uhh, so. The
idea for my television crime drama
is as follows...
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Two detectives (describe detectives) enter a room and one of
them starts to sniff.
LARRY O/S
A sociopath and his friend solve
crimes that the police can’t manage
using their different approach.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells musty. Someone’s
been here, the carpet’s been trod
on. Look. The window is a bit
cracked, are you writing this down?
(CONTINUED)
3. CONTINUED: 2.
DETECTIVE 2
Yes, how did you know someone was
here.
DETECTIVE 1
A candle here has been lit. Why
would you light a candle in here
when they are already lights? The
candle was lit in order to hide
something. But what could it be?
ALAN O/S
How old are these people?
INT.OFFICE.DAY
Larry looks toward the floor.
LARRY
Um, late teens or early 20s.
Grant turns to Alan
GRANT
Young demographic.
ALAN
What do young people like?
GRANT
Drugs?
ALAN
Self Harm?
GRANT
No! Sex...
ALAN
Hell yes! Young people love that.
GRANT
We need a woman in this.
LARRY
A woman?
ALAN
Yer,a fit one!
(CONTINUED)
4. CONTINUED: 3.
GRANT
With big boobies
LARRY
Um, ok so why dosen’t the detective
have a female boss. That could
work? It pushes boundries, It shows
the whole concept of work but from
a whole new revolutionary feminist
angle.
GRANT and ALAN stare at LARRY dumfounded
ALAN
Yer, got to have really big
boobies.
GRANT
Got to be a right sort.
LARRY
We could make her the sidekick?
ALAN
Now we are talking!
Larry half smiles
INT.BASEMENT. NIGHT
Detective 1 enters the room but this time with a
sophisticatingly sensual woman.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells musty.
WOMAN
I’m sorry (pause) Maybe we should
do something about that.
DETECTIVE 1
Don’t worry, I like it. (sniffs)
See that candle?
WOMAN
Which one?
DETECTIVE 1
Why don’t you show me which you
think?
(CONTINUED)
5. CONTINUED: 4.
WOMAN
(Goes and picks up candle)
This one
DETECTIVE 1
Shall we light it?
WOMAN
Well it is my birthday
DETECTIVE 1
You can blow it out
LARRY O/S
In retrospect isn’t it a bit much
to have the woman...
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
as the sidekick. I always
imagined-
GRANT
What’s his quirk?
ALAN
Disability is hot right now.
GRANT
Make him lose an arm.
ALAN
And he is an alcoholic.
GRANT
Product placement! Get Fosters on
the phone.
LARRY
Guys! For this to work he really
needs two arms-dont you think?
pause
Grant and Alan look at each other
LARRY
Or one arm. It works just as well
with one arm.
6. 5.
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 looks worse for wear, he has lost an arm. He
enters the room with the woman sidekick.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells like the time for a
drink.
Detective 1 takes a can of Fosters (product placement) and
drinks it loudly.
DETECTIVE 1
Damn that’s refreshing
WOMAN
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
case?
DETECTIVE 1
(Shouts)
Shut up! Have you lost an arm? No!
I have! Now all of my life is the
case!
WOMAN
Sorry I just don’t think you should
be drinking!
DETECTIVE 1
Would you like to solve the case?
When I solve a case I drink.
ALAN O/S
Probably a bit heavy.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
GRANT
Let’s add a laughter track
LARRY
Uhm, WHAT?-
ALAN
Universally, audiences love a
laughter track because it shows
them when to laugh.
GRANT
I tell what else audiences love,
black people.
(CONTINUED)
7. CONTINUED: 6.
LARRY
Isn’t that all a bit irreleavent?
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
message?
ALAN
Are you racist Larry?
LARRY
Erm no, sorry no -
GRANT
Then why won’t you allow black
people in your film. Haven’t they
suffered enough?
LARRY
No, we can have black people in it.
Thats fine. I mean, maybe not a
main character but there can
certainly be caracters of different
races in it, I have no problem with
that...
ALAN
Great, lets have a lovable black
neighbour in it
GRANT
He can be called CJ
ALAN
No Deshaune
GRANT
I know, he can be called Science.
He can supply all his hood with
drugs.
ALAN
Young people like drugs!
LARRY looks astounded but nods anyway
GRANT
Think of the diversity
Larry nods uncertainly
8. 7.
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 enters the room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells like the time for a
drink.(Canned laughter)
The woman enters and the laughter track does a ’ooooooooooo’
WOMAN
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
case?
DETECTIVE 1
Shouldn’t you be focusing on the
cooking
Science the Black guy enters and the laughter track is
filled with cheers and laughter
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
DAMN! THAT’S COLD!
WOMAN
Hi, Science where you been?
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
KFC!
Big laugh.
Anyway I gots to go back to tha
crib to eat my chickens. Smell ya
laterz
Big laugh.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
Alan and Grant laugh
Larry is astounded and stunned at what he has just heard and
imagined.
LARRY
What is that? That isn’t my idea
ALAN
No, It’s better than your idea.
(CONTINUED)
9. CONTINUED: 8.
LARRY
But what was the point of that? It
was just cliched rubbish
GRANT
Do you call diversity rubbish? Did
they not teach you anything at film
school?
LARRY
Yes but erm, ok why don’t we lose
the laughter track and whole one
arm thing, and then in return you
can add a few more minor changes?
ALAN
That can work. How much do you know
you know about Denmark?
LARRY
Not much
GRANT
Well it’s set there now. Danish
crime dramas are really in right
now
LARRY
Danish crime dramas!
ALAN
Great. We knew you would love it!
EXT.COUNCIL ESTATE CAR PARK. DAY
Detective 1 and woman arrive at the scene. They now speak in
Danish, naturalistic style. Subtitles.
DETECTIVE 1
It is time for a drink
WOMAN
You will drink yourself to death
DETECTIVE 1
Ha.
WOMAN
See that there. Its blood.
(CONTINUED)
10. CONTINUED: 9.
DETECTIVE 1
Yes. It must have come from him. We
should investigate.
WOMAN
Yes.
LARRY O/S
No. No. No...
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
...I’m sorry it has to be in
English.
GRANT
Why? Have somthing against the good
people of Denmark?
LARRY
No, but it has to be in English!
ALAN
Well your one step away from
loosing this pitch
LARRY
No wait, erm ok, so let’s not set
it in Denmark but maybe the
detcitive erm can be an alien who
has erm crash landed on earth and
is trying to get back there. How
does that soun?
GRANT
You know Larry, once in a blue moon
a man comes in here with a million
dollar idea. You are one of those
people.
Larry smiles, relieved
ALAN
Think of all the merchandise we can
make from this!
GRANT
We are going to make so much money
(CONTINUED)
11. CONTINUED: 10.
LARRY
Wait, you actually liked that?
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 and woman enter the room.
DETECTIVE 1
Blimey, where is my flux capaciter
my darling robot wife?
WOMAN
I don’t know my alien husband, but
we must find the remote to our
spaceship.
DETECTIVE 1
Yes, of course.
Spins around
DETECTIVE 1
We must find it before we all get
sucked into the vortex of galaxy
quandosphere
WOMAN
Yes my husband! We must find it!
DETECTIVE 1
Ah look! This candle! Do you
recognise it?
WOMAN
I.. umm....
DETECTIVE 1
Yes. That’s right. That’s the
candle you lit when you were four
years old, looking out over the
Thames. If it were not for that
moment, then we would not be
married... worse, you would be
dead. For it was that flame that
stopped the Ortox from gaining
power over Winston Churchill. You
won World War Two by lighting a
candle forty years after it
happened.
(CONTINUED)
12. CONTINUED: 11.
WOMAN
We are married.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
GRANT
Wait, theres somthing not quite
right about this
LARRY
I couldn’t agree more sir, I was
thinking that maybe we should
revert back...
ALAN
It needs a smart talking cat in it.
Kids will love that
LARRY
What. Nooooo-
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Man enters room.
DETECTIVE 1
Blimey, where is the flux
capaciter?
SMART TALKIN CAT
Maybe if you wore your glasses then
you would know where they are, you
silly chicken!
Cat annoyingly laughs
Science The Black Guy enters the room to cheers for the
laughter track.
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
Did someone say chicken?
Laughter track
DETECTIVE 1
Have you seen my flux capacitor.
Cat annoyingly laughs
Science eats watermelon loudly
Last bit repeats over and over again, faster and faster.
13. 12.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
(Shouts)
No! There is a good idea in there
and you know its there! Nevermind
the laughter track, foreign
languages and the product placement
there is a good idea in there. An
idea that would sell, I came to you
guys because you had a history of
making groundbreaking TV Shows.
Trust me, stick to the idea and you
can do it again!
ALAN
Yes, you are right. There is an
idea in there that could make us
money which we’ve been ignoring.
GRANT
You’re right its what we should be
pursuing
Larry smiles
EXT. BRICKWALL. DAY
The cat has his own childrens show which plays whilst the
credits role
SMART TALKIN CAT
So children, what have learnt from
our adventure today? Thats right,
the power of friendship. See you
next week *annoying laugh*
