30. Tips for dealing with negative
aspects in others:
• When you see someone go into attack mode
or excess defensiveness, recognize that it is
useless to argue with them.
• Realize that the person is feeling very
insecure at that time.
• Don’t continue to push them because they
will only get worse.
31. Tips for dealing with negative
aspects in others:
• If the symptoms only seem to occur when
the person is under stress, wait until
another time to pursue the discussion.
• If they are always overly defensive or
always attacking others, you may need to
find another person to work with who does
not have the same problem.
32. Tips for dealing with negative
aspects in others:
• Keep your own sense of self-confidence and
don't allow yourself to be verbally abused.
• If the difficult person is your boss,
reconsider whether it's time to find a job
elsewhere.
33. Tips for supervising people
with negative aspects:
• Help the person see how much their
negative behavior is damaging their career
potential.
• Set goals for them to learn to work better
with others and monitor their behavior
until it improves.
• If it does not improve within a reasonable
time, send them packing.
34. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• Learn to recognize when your
defensive mechanisms come up.
• Realize that you are probably not
really being attacked.
35. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• When you catch yourself feeling
defensive, don’t react so quickly.
• Learn how to listen when someone asks
a question or makes a suggestion.
36. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• Ask people to re-state their
question/comment/suggestion.
• Try to understand what others are saying
by repeating back what you think you
heard.
37. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• You may want to ask for more time to
respond, then get back to them.
• This will give you time to work with
the question/comment/suggestion
without the pressure of being on the
spot.
38. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• DO consider that other people have
good ideas that are just as valid as
yours.
39. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• Find someone who can help you work on
this negative aspect of yourself — a good
friend, coworker, teacher or counselor.
40. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• If it is someone that you interact with
regularly, ask them to let you know when
you are being a jerk and call your attention
to what you are doing.
• That will help you learn to see what
situations and events trigger your
insecurity.
41. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• Recognize that changing learned patterns of
insecurity and defensiveness may take years
of work.
• Don't give up on yourself.
42. Tips for overcoming negative
aspects in yourself:
• Learn to understand your own personality
and your unique strengths and weaknesses.
• The effort to improve your ability to get
along with others will be rewarded as you
find more career opportunities open up for
you.
43. Difficult People
• You Can Deal With Them
• Difficult Personalities
• How To Cope
• Worth The Effort
44. You Can Deal With Them
• Everyone is irritable or indecisive at times.
But some people are so difficult that they
make others lives and work a strain.
• Dealing with difficult people is easier when
you learn to recognize some common
personality types.
• Then you can develop coping skills for
dealing with each without trying to change
them!
45. Difficult Personalities
• There are seven behavior types with whom
most people have difficulty.
• Bullies.
• Griper.
• Silent types
• Very nice people.
• Just say no
• I know better
• Stallers.
53. How To Cope
• These behaviors are annoying and
upsetting.
• They keep everyone but the difficult person
off balance.
54. How To Cope
• This can be true even though they may not
be trying to control others.
• Coping balances the power between people.
• It helps everyone get things done without
stalling at the roadblocks difficult people set
up.
55. How To Cope
• When someone practices difficult behaviors
around you, try these techniques:
56. How To Cope
For bullies,
stand up for yourself.
Use phrases like "I believe" or "I
feel." Don't try to fight them.
Instead, make your point firmly.
57. How To Cope
• gripers
• Let them know you've heard
their concern.
• Directly ask, "What is it you
want?"
58. How To Cope
For silent types,
ask questions that must be answered
by more than "yes" or "no."
If you get no response, let the silent
type know your plans.
59. How To Cope
Very nice people
have a strong need to be liked; show
them that you do. `Then dig to find
out what's really happening.
60. How To Cope
Don't argue with just say no
types.
Instead, suggest what won't work
before they do.
61. How To Cope
• For I know better types, have all
the facts before you meet.
• Raise possible problems, and be
ready to follow through.
62. How To Cope
Listen to stallers; find out what
the real reason for the delay is.
Help them,
and
ask them for help.
63. Worth The Effort
• You can't always avoid difficult people.
• Learning to cope with them is worth
the effort.
• You'll get more done and be less
frustrated if you do.
64. Difficult People
• Difficult people are no easier to deal with in
forums than they are in person.
• By "difficult" I don't mean "rude".
• Rude people are annoying, but they're not
necessarily difficult.
65. Difficult People
• For rude people, comment on the rudeness
the first time, and from then on, either
ignore them or treat them the same as
anyone else.
• If they continue being rude, they will
usually make themselves so unpopular as to
have no influence on others in any project,
so they are a self-containing problem.
66. Difficult People
• The really difficult cases are people who are
not overtly rude, but who manipulate or
abuse the project's processes in a way that
ends up costing other people time and
energy, yet do not bring any benefit to the
project.
67. Difficult People
• Such people often look for wedge points in
any project's procedures, to give themselves
more influence than they might otherwise
have.
68. Difficult People
• This is much more insidious than mere
rudeness, because neither the behavior nor
the damage it causes is apparent to casual
observers.
69. Difficult People
• A classic example is the filibuster, in which
someone (always sounding as reasonable as
possible, of course) keeps claiming that the matter
under discussion is not ready for resolution, and
offers more and more possible solutions, or new
viewpoints on old solutions, when what is really
going on is that he senses that a consensus or a
ballot is about to form, and doesn't like where it is
probably headed.
70. Difficult People
• Another example is when there's a debate
that won't converge on consensus, but the
group tries to at least clarify the points of
disagreement and produce a summary for
everyone to refer to from then on.
71. Difficult People
• The obstructionist, who knows the
summary may lead to a result he doesn't
like, will often try to delay even the
summary, by relentlessly complicating the
question of what should be in it, either by
objecting to reasonable suggestions or by
introducing unexpected new items.
72. Handling Difficult People
• To counteract such behavior, it helps to
understand the mentality of those who
engage in it.
• People generally do not do it consciously.
73. Handling Difficult People
• No one wakes up in the morning and says to
himself: "Today I'm going to cynically
manipulate procedural forms in order to be
an irritating obstructionist." Instead, such
actions are often preceded by a semi-
paranoid feeling of being shut out of group
interactions and decisions.
74. Handling Difficult People
• The person feels he is not being taken
seriously, or (in the more severe cases) that
there is almost a conspiracy against him—
that the other project members have
decided to form an exclusive club, of which
he is not a member.
75. Handling Difficult People
• This then justifies, in his mind, taking rules
literally and engaging in a formal
manipulation of the project's procedures, in
order to make everyone else take him
seriously.
• In extreme cases, the person can even
believe that he is fighting a lonely battle to
save the project from itself.
76. Handling Difficult People
• It is the nature of such an attack from
within that not everyone will notice it at the
same time, and some people may not see it
at all unless presented with very strong
evidence.
77. Handling Difficult People
• This means that neutralizing it can be quite
a bit of work.
• It's not enough to persuade yourself that it's
happening; you have to marshal enough
evidence to persuade others too, and then
you have to distribute that evidence in a
thoughtful way.
78. Handling Difficult People
• Given that it's so much work to fight, it's
often better just to tolerate it for a while.
• Think of it like a parasitic but mild disease:
if it's not too debilitating, the project can
afford to remain infected, and medicine
might have harmful side effects.
79. Handling Difficult People
• However, if it gets too damaging to tolerate,
then it's time for action. Start gathering
notes on the patterns you see. Make sure to
include references to public archives—this
is one of the reasons the project keeps
records, so you might as well use them.
80. Handling Difficult People
• Once you've got a good case built, start having
private conversations with other project
participants.
• Don't tell them what you've observed; instead,
first ask them what they've observed.
• This may be your last chance to get unfiltered
feedback about how others see the troublemaker's
behavior; once you start openly talking about it,
opinion will become polarized and no one will be
able to remember what he formerly thought about
the matter.
81. Handling Difficult People
• If private discussions indicate that at least some
others see the problem too, then it's time to do
something.
• That's when you have to get really cautious,
because it's very easy for this sort of person to try
to make it appear as though you're picking on
them unfairly.
82. Handling Difficult People
• Whatever you do, never accuse them of
maliciously abusing the project's procedures, of
being paranoid, or, in general, of any of the other
things that you suspect are probably true.
83. Handling Difficult People
• Your strategy should be to look both more
reasonable and more concerned with the overall
welfare of the project, with the goal of either
reforming the person's behavior, or getting them
to go away permanently.
84. Handling Difficult People
• Depending on the other colleges , and your
relationship with them, it may be advantageous to
gather allies privately first.
• Or it may not; that might just create ill will behind
the scenes, if people think you're engaging in an
improper whispering campaign.
85. Handling Difficult People
• Remember that although the other person may be
the one behaving destructively, you will be the one
who appears destructive if you make a public
charge that you can't back up.
• Be sure to have plenty of examples to demonstrate
what you're saying, and say it as gently as possible
while still being direct.
• You may not persuade the person in question, but
that's okay as long as you persuade everyone else.
86. Difficult People
• In every work situation personality conflicts
arise.
• This isn't limited to the typical office
environment; anywhere a group of people is
expected to work together, there is always a
chance that one or more difficult
personalities will be part of the group.
87. Difficult People
• We all have moments when we react in a
hostile manner, are indecisive or feel
unwilling to be flexible on an issue, but
people who are difficult by nature are
consistently troublesome to deal with. The
only way to cope with their impossible
behavior is to learn how to minimize their
negative impact in most situations.
88. Difficult People
• Difficult people have learned that their
upsetting behavior keeps others off balance
and incapable of effective action.
89. Difficult People
• If we respond by passive acceptance of their
behavior, the problem continues because
the difficult person has been given a signal
that their tactics work.
• However, when we respond in ways they
don‘t expect, we have taken some of the
control away from them and empowered
ourselves.
90. A Few Common Types Of
Difficult People
• These people try to bully and overwhelm by
bombarding others like a tank, or making
cutting remarks like a verbal sniper.
91. A Few Common Types Of
Difficult People
• Complainers gripe incessantly but never try
to do anything about their complaints,
either because they feel powerless, or
because they refuse to bear any
responsibility.
• When a project is proposed the negativists
are bound to object with "It won't work" or
"It's impossible." They are always ready to
pop other's balloons.
92. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• The bully who rolls over people like a tank
has a strong need to prove that their view of
the world is always right.
• These human tanks value aggressiveness
and confidence, and tend to devalue persons
they believe lack these qualities.
• Unfortunately, demeaning others is one way
to create a sense of self-importance and
superiority.
93. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• Coping with bullies requires that you stand
up for yourself.
• Give the hostile person time to run down by
letting them rage for a short while.
94. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• Remain in place; look directly at them and
wait to jump in when the hostile person's
aggression loses some momentum.
• Don't worry about being polite.
• If you are interrupted, then say, "You
interrupted me!" If the tank doesn't stop,
say it again.
95. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• It often helps to take verbal control by
saying the person's name clearly and loudly.
• Body language is important too.
96. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• Rise deliberately from your seat.
• Conversely, try to get them to sit down;
most people behave less aggressively when
seated.
97. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• Speak from your own point of view, "In my
opinion, it's a good idea…", "I disagree
with you…".
• While standing your ground, it is important
not to escalate the conflict.
• Hostile people are unlikely to back down, so
forcing your views on them will not work.
98. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• If instead of a tank, it is a sniper you have
on your hands, then the coping tactics vary.
• Snipers take shots at you, or others around
you, verbally.
• They indulge in innuendoes, not-too-subtle
digs and non-playful teasing.
• Most people feel completely pinned down by
a sniper.
99. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• Snipers have a "superiority" complex that
makes it difficult for them to see things
from others perspectives.
• They crave having control of a situation.
100. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• In dealing with a sniper, surface the attack
by saying something such as, "That
sounded like a dig, did you mean it that
way?"
• If the sniper strikes in front of others,
during a meeting for example, strop and
address the attack.
101. Coping Strategies For Hostile-
Aggressives
• Phrase your response as a question which
gives the sniper an alternative to fighting.
• If you are a third party who witnesses a
sniper attack, be wary of intervening.
• Remember that a common fate of
peacemakers is often to be scorned by both
parties.
102. Coping With Complainers
• Complainers find fault with everything and
have their accusatory style down so
perfectly that they turn the tables on people,
putting them immediately on the defensive.
103. Coping With Complainers
• There are also complainers who specialize
in complaining to one person about another
person who is not present to defend
themselves.
• Complaining is the behavior of people who
feel powerless, want change but won't risk
anything themselves.
• They want to remain blameless in all
situations
104. Coping With Complainers
• The way to cope with a complainer is to
insist that a problem solving perspective be
taken toward their complaints.
105. Coping With Complainers
• Listen attentively so the complainer can let
off steam and then paraphrase their main
points.
106. Coping With Complainers
• Don't allow works line never and always to
go unnoticed; require specific examples and
time frames.
• Acknowledge what you are hearing but be
careful not to agree.
108. Coping With Complainers
• Ask the complainer for specific problem
solving suggestions; if appropriate, get
complaints and suggestions in writing.
109. Coping With Complainers
• If the complainer is accusing someone other
than yourself, then ask the complainer if
they have addressed the third-party. "Can
we have a meeting with Roger and try to
work things out?"
• The complainer needs to see how the very
act of complaining will lead to direct
involvement they want to avoid.
110. Coping With Negativists
• Negativists find fault with everything and
are eternal doomsayers.
• They have a big impact on work groups.
• Negativists have a deep-seated conviction
that any task not in their own hands will
fail.
111. Coping With Negativists
• We all are vulnerable to discouragement
and the chronically negative person is
looking for confirmation that things are
indeed hopeless.
• State your own realistic optimism.
112. Coping With Negativists
• There are always alternatives and options.
• Don't try to persuade the negativist to see a
brighter side to things.
113. Coping With Negativists
• Question the worst thing that could happen
in a given situation.
• Usually the worst case scenario isn't the end
of the world.
114. Coping With Negativists
• The goal when coping with difficult people
is to negate their controlling behaviors so
that you can get on with your own business.
• Only when their destructive behaviors fail
to work will difficult people have an
incentive to change.
116. Primary Reactive Center:
• The way people react first to situations and
issues in a lifetime.
• The Centers used are:
– Emotional,
– Intellectual,
– Moving.
117. Goal:
• The primary motivator for a lifetime.
• The Seven Goals are:
– Discrimination,
– Acceptance,
– Re-Evaluation (or Abbreviation),
– Growth,
– Submission,
– Dominance,
– Relaxation.
118. Attitude:
• The primary viewpoint for a lifetime.
• The Seven Attitudes are:
– Skeptic,
– Idealist,
– Stoic,
– Spiritualist,
– Cynic,
– Realist,
– Pragmatist.
119. Mode:
• The primary way issues are addressed in a
lifetime.
• The Seven Modes are:
– Caution,
– Power,
– Reserve,
– Passion,
– Perseverance,
– Aggression,
– Observation.
120. Personality Dragons:
• The part of us that provides challenges to overcome
in achieving our goals.
• The Seven Personality Dragons are :
– Self-Destruction,
– Greed,
– Self-Deprecation,
– Arrogance,
– Martyrdom,
– Impatience,
– Stubbornness.
• Many of us have two Dragons, just to make life
more interesting.
121. The Nine Basic Needs:
• We each have three of the nine needs that are very high on
our priority list.
• The nine needs are:
– Security,
– Adventure,
– Freedom,
– Exchange,
– Power,
– Expansion,
– Acceptance,
– Communion,
– Expression.
• It is up to us to recognize our needs and find ways to fulfill
them.
122. Other Influences:
• Each individual person is also affected by:
• Secondary Role Influences (the flavor of one
or two other Role traits beyond the primary
Role),
• Body Type (i.e., tall, short, thin, heavy-set,
delicate, sturdy, athletic, plain, beautiful),
123. Other Influences:
• Family History (the type of "imprinting" and
"expectations" that derive from our Parents and
Family of Origin),
• Individual Life History (what experiences you've
had), and
• Individual Life Goals and Interests.
• The combination of the layers and unique traits
make each human being a completely unique
person with a completely unique personality.
124. Remember:
• In spite of our a tendency to attach "labels"
to personality traits, each person is
individual and unique!
• Mere words cannot adequately describe
that individual uniqueness.
