Brookside Elementary Bullying for Parents

Beyond Sticks and Stones:
Understanding, Preventing, and Addressing Bullying
Brookside Elementary School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School


Agenda
• Cycles of Bullying and Bias
• Gender, Bias, and Bullying
• Conflict versus Bullying
• Shared Language, Shared Goals
• Empowering the Bystander
• Advice for Parents
• Questions
• Resources


Bullying and Bias
Repeating Cycles


Gender and Gender Bias

Gender Differences


Gender Bias
Brash Intuitive
Troublemaker Well-Behaved
Strong Delicate
Competitive Cooperative
Physical Emotional
Silent Verbal
Clever Pretty
Mistake-Prone Perfect
Belligerent Nice

Gender, Bias, and Bullying
• Source of Power
• Worst Labels
• Who Bullies?
• Who is Bullied?
• Social Collective
• Abuse and Aggression
• Outliers of Victims
• Signs of Cry


Alternative Aggression

• Relational Aggression
• Indirect Aggression
• Social Aggression


Relational Aggression

Relational Aggression includes acts that
“harm others through damage (or the
threat of damage) to relationships or
feelings of acceptance, friendship, or
group inclusion.”

Indirect Aggression

Indirect Aggression allows the
perpetrator to avoid confronting the
target directly, making it seem as
though there is no intent to harm.

Social Aggression

Social Aggression is intended
to damage self esteem or social
status within a group.

It’s Too Big… Why Even Try?

• Health and Safety
• Psychological Pain
• Academic Risk
• Explosive Release
• Long-Term Scars


Process Break
How are your kids
experiencing bullying? What
are the greatest pressures
facing your kids? What have
you tried so far to talk to your
kids about bullying?


So What? Now What?


Definition of Conflict

• A clash between two
individuals or groups
• A disagreement or
argument about
something important
• Etc.


When It’s Bullying
• Power is uneven
• Intent to harm
• Repeated and
sustained
• Efforts to hide from
adults
• Advocacy not
changing behaviors

Bullying:
Common Characteristics of Kids Who Bully
• Their friends do what they want them to do.
• They aren’t intimidated by other kids.
• Their complaints about other kids are limited to
the lame things they did or said.
• They are often charming to adults.
• They won’t (or are very reluctant to) take
responsibility when they hurt someone’s feelings.
• If they think they’ve been wronged, they feel they
have the right to seek revenge.


Bullying:
Common Characteristics of Kids
Who Are Bullied
• They are more
sensitive, unhappy, cautious, anxious, quiet and
withdrawn than other youth.
• They are generally insecure and non-assertive, and
react by withdrawing when targeted by other students
(rather than retaliating or asserting).
• They exhibit sudden change in behaviors: showing
signs of depression, not eating, cutting, letting
themselves go, losing interest in favorite
things, quitting teams, etc.
• They may be embarrassed to admit being bullied.
They may blameEun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Rosetta
themselves or feel guilty.

Advice for Parents:
DON’T
• Think “this is my fault.”
• Belittle the problem.
• Over-empathize.
• Tell them what to do.
• Become the Fix-It Parent.
• Blame the bully OR the victim.
• Tell them that being nice and kind will
always lead to friends and popularity.

Shared Language, Shared Goals

Target of Bullying
Agent of Bullying
Bystander
Ally
Path of Least Resistance


What Can We Do for Girls?
• Teach the difference
between self-sacrificing and
good.
• Talk about or compliment
something besides her looks.
• Value the quality of her
relationships, not the
quantity.
• Give her access to diverse
women mentors.
• Role-Play difficult
conversations with her.

Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Rosetta

What Can We Do for Boys?
• Teach the difference
between strong and
tough.
• Talk about feelings and
relationships.
• Make it okay to be
vulnerable.
• Give him access to
diverse male mentors.
• Help him understand
societal homophobia.
Rosetta

What Can Parents Do for All?
• Help them develop strong interaction and social skills.
• Provide opportunity/access to kids outside of school.
• Encourage and help them to make informed choices.
• Provide sanctuary, sounding board, and support.
• Teach about all forms of diversity and inclusion.
• Give them healthy outlets for their feelings.
• Respect and nurture their true selves.
• Try Teeter-Totter Parenting.
• Be a listener, not a fixer.
• Share your stories.
• Affirm your kids.
• Model the way.
• Stay Involved.
Rosetta

Bullying Intervention
• Know when it is
bullying
• Stand up for
yourself
• Ask them to stop
the behavior
• Seek healthy
support
• Tell an adult

Empowering the Bystander
Many bullying programs center around
agents and targets. Why not address
the 60-70% who are bystanders?
• Keeps the focus away from blaming the
targets or agents.
• Cover backstage spaces where only kids
are allowed.
• Create a mass of empowered allies and
shift the balance of power
• Create a new path of least resistance.


Ally Skills
• Don’t bully
• Speak up when someone else is being bullied
• Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that
assumption make you silent
• Ask questions to clarify and to educate
• Don’t make the person who is bullying into someone
who is getting targeted
• Actively include those who are easily left out
• If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an
adult at school or at home
• Keep the climate healthy

Process Break
What information did you find
useful or interesting today?
What other questions do you
have? How can you work
with other parents and
guardians to help create an
inclusive climate?


Teach Media Literacy
• Choose media FOR youth whenever possible.
• Engage in media WITH youth.
• Teach them your values.
• Guide how they spend their money.
• Get to know their friends and the media they engage in.
• Talk to other parents/guardians about media literacy.


Teach Digital Citizenship
• No Digital Conflicts!
• The Face Test – would you say it to their face?
• The Headline Test – would you want it broadcast?
• The Digital Self – are you the same person online?


Advice for Schools
The Four Ps
• Policy - A comprehensive anti-bullying policy that
enumerates sources of bias and that includes
alternative aggression.
• Programming - Training for teachers and staff on
bullying and bias. Support for teachers and staff in
acting to combat bullying and bias. Self-esteem and
conflict management programs for students.
• Practice - Consistent and meaningful follow-through in
dealing with acts of bullying and bias. Coverage of
unsupervised spaces where bullying occurs most.
• PEOPLE - Critical mass of people who are supportive
AND active on all levels.

EMPOWER THE BYSTANDERS!

Undoing Systemic Problems


Questions and Comments


Resources
• Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the
Gap,” Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November
2003
• Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social
Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion
• “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District,
http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf
• Joe Feagin, “The Two Faced Racism.” White Privilege Conference.
Springfield, MA. April 2008.
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network)
www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference.
• Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org,
http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html
• Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of
Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine,
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=14
4307&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958


More Resources
• “101 Ways to Combat Prejudice.” Anti-Defamation League
http://www.adl.org/prejudice/default.asp
• Beatbullying Toolkit for
Teachers, http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf
• Hafner, Lauren. “Bullying Report: How are Washington State
Schools Doing?” Safe Schools Coalition. December 2003
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/bullyreport/bullyreport12-
03.html
• “House Bill Report - SHB 1444, Washington State” Bully Police
USA http://www.bullypolice.org/wa_law.html
• “Ten Ways to Fight Hate.” Teaching Tolerance
http://www.tolerance.org/10_ways/index.html
• “Washington State School Safety Center.” Office of
Superintendant of Public Education
http://www.k12.wa.us/SafetyCenter/HarassmentBullying/default
.aspx

Gender Specific Resources
• JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and
Courageous Daughters
• Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in
America.
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early
gender differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.”
• Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent
Girls
• Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out.
• Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Speaks Out.
• Harriet R. Tenenbaum, “Gender Achievement Motivation,” Learning
and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003.
• Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your
Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of
Adolescence
• Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth.
• Naomi Wolf, Promiscuities.


Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee


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