How do we learn about our various group identities like female, African American, Buddhist, homosexual, middle class, etc.? From whom do we learn the meaning of these terms? What messages have we internalized about ourselves and others? What are the differences that result in one person having a healthy self identity and another person experiencing own-group shame and hatred? Learn how we co-author peers' identity as well as our own, how the cycle of oppression and cycle of bullying pressure us to reinforce stereotypes, and what we can do as allies to break these cycles and work toward inclusion of all.

1. Choate School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Who We Are:
Identity, Inclusion, and Allyship
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2. About Seattle Girls’ School
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3.  What is it?
 What are the various
dimensions of
identity?
 Why does it matter?
Identity Development
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

4. Dimensions of Identity and Culture
This model of identifiers and culture was created by Karen Bradberry and Johnnie Foreman for NAIS Summer Diversity Institute,
adapted from Loden and Rosener’s Workforce America! (1991) and from Diverse Teams at Work, Gardenswartz & Rowe (SHRM 2003).
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

5. National Coalition Building Institute, Seattle Chapter, “Building Bridges Workshop,” Adapted by Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
• Stand proudly for your group
• Stand for as many groups
within one category
as applies to you
• If you are not standing,
cheer and applaud
the people who are
Exercise: Up-Downs
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6. Birth Status
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7. Racial/Ethnic/Cultural Heritage
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8. Religion
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9. Socioeconomic Class
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10. Gender
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11. Sexual Orientation
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12. Ability
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13. Private Identity
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14. Debrief: Who Am I?
How did it feel to claim
various identities and
experiences? What did it
feel like to be applauded for
your identities and
experiences? To applaud
others? Did you learn
anything new, interesting,
or surprising?
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15.  Identity Frames
 Intractability
 Co-Authorship of Identity
Identity and Cultural Inclusion
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16. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

17. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

18. Relationship Based Interruption
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19. Speaking From the Heart
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20. What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
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Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….

21. What We End Up Saying
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!

22. Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
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23. Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment:
An Example
Is this an okay time to talk to you about something
that happened earlier? I really appreciate having
you as a friend. You’ve helped me through tough
times, and we have so much fun together. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got 98%,
I heard you say, “Well of course you got a 98% -
you’re Asian!” I was really hurt when I heard that.
I work so hard in all my classes and spend a lot of
effort to earn good grades, and it seems like so
many people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
frustrating and saddening to feel like I don’t get to
fully own my accomplishments. I imagine you
didn’t mean for me to feel that way. Can I ask that
you please don’t say things like that anymore?
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24. Being A Witness
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25. What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment
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I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!

26. What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment
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27. What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
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See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.

28. NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

29. Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
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30. Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Seek pleasure and delight in the other person
– “How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
– “I’m SO glad you told me that joke. I’ve been trying to figure out why we think people
with yellow hair are stupid.”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”
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31. Listening to the Real Message
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32. What Was Said During the Intervention
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Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.

33. What We Hear During the Intervention
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You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!

34. What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
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You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake in
behavior or words, and
you may not know the
impact they have on
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that you
might act in congruence
with your values.

35. When You’re Told About
an Ouch Moment You Made
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
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36. When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
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 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

37. Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers
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38. Find Your Bucket People
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39. Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing
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40. If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize
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41. If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve
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42. Build Authentic Relationships
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43. Inclusive Communities
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44. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

45. Identity Resources
• Carlos H. Arce, “A Reconsideration of Chicano Culture
and Identity”
• Atkinson, Morten, & Sue, “Racial/Cultural Identity
Development Model (R/CID)”
• Mindy Bingham and Sandy Stryker, “Socioemotional
Development for Girls”
• Vivienne Cass, “Homosexual identity formation: Testing
a theoretical model”
• William Cross, Shades of Black: Diversity in African
American Identity”
• Anthony D’Augelli, “ Identity development and sexual
orientation: Toward a model of lesbian, gay, and
bisexual development”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

46. Identity Resources
• Erik Erikson, “Eight Stages of Man”
• J. E. Helms, Various Publications on Racial and Ethnic
Identity Development
• Jean Kim, “Processes of Asian American Identity
Development”
• James Maricia, “Four Ego and Identity Statuses”
• Suzanne Kobasa Ouellette, “The Three C’s of
Hardiness”
• Jean S. Phinney, “Ethnic Identity in Adolescents and
Adults: Review of the Research”
• Ponterotto & Pederso, Preventing Prejudice
• Maria P. P. Root, Various Works on Multiracial Identity
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

47. Identity Resources
• Patricia Romney, Karlene Ferron, and Jennifer Hill,
“Measuring the Success of Diversity Directors in
Independent Schools”
• Pedro Ruiz, “Latino/a Identity Development Model”
• Chalmer E. Thompson and Robert T. Carter, Racial
Identity Theory
• Alex Wilson, “How We Find Ourselves: Identity
Development and Two Spirit People”
• Christine J. Yeh, “The Collectivistic Nature of Identity
Development Among Asian-American College
Students”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

48. Miscellaneous Resources
• Karen Bradberry and Johnnie Foreman, “Privilege and
Power,” Summer Diversity Institute, National Association
of Independent Schools, 2009
• Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, Nurture Shock
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education
Network) www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference
• Johnnie McKinley, “Leveling the Playing Field and Raising
African American Students’ Achievement in Twenty-nine
Urban Classrooms,” New Horizons for Learning,
http://www.newhorizons.org/strategies/differentiated/
mckinley.htm
Michael J Nakkula and Eric Toshalis, Understanding Youth.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)