Lick-Wilmerding Navigating and Facilitating Courageous Conversations

Lick-Wilmerding High School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Navigating Ouch Moments and
Facilitating Courageous Conversations
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Agenda
 Courageous Conversations
 Interruption Skills
 Caucus Groups
 Facilitation skills
 Wrap up

Courageous Conversations

Examining the Self
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model

Safety versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
True dialogue happens in an environment where everyone is
safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.

Safe Spaces 2.0 – Brave Spaces
 Controversy with Civility
 Own your own intent and impact
 Challenge by choice – with reflection
 Respect in all its multiplicity
 No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
 Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions

An Ally Is…
“a person who is a member of the dominant or
majority group who works to end oppression in
his or her personal and professional life
through support of, and as an advocate with
and for, the oppressed population”
Washington and Evans, Becoming an Ally

An Ally Is…
“Someone who doesn’t have to stand up for
someone else, who might even lose something
if they do, but they do it anyway because they
know it’s the right thing to do”
6th Grade Student

Developing into an Ally
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active

Debunking Some Myths
To Prime for Conversations
 All or None
 Mistakes and Moral Worth
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

Speaking From the Heart

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….

What We End Up Saying
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!

Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment:
An Example
Is this an okay time to talk? I really appreciate
having you as a colleague. We’ve collaborated
well, and I respect the contributions you make to
the team. Earlier today, when we were in a
disagreement about the budget allocation, I heard
you say, “You’re being too much of an emotional
woman.” I was really hurt when I heard that. I feel
passionate and express myself openly, and it
seems like so many people misinterpret that as
my being a too emotional and that it’s because I
am a woman. It’s frustrating and saddening that I
don’t get to express myself fully or authentically
without misjudgment. I imagine you didn’t mean
for me to feel that way. Can I ask that you please
don’t say things like that anymore?

Being A Witness

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!

What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment

What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.

NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally

Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Seek pleasure and delight in the other person
– “How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
– “I’m SO glad you told me that joke. I’ve been trying to figure out why we think people
with yellow hair are stupid.”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”

Listening to the Real Message

What Was Said During the Intervention
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.

What We Hear During the Intervention
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!

What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake in
behavior or words, and
you may not know the
impact they have on
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that you
might act in congruence
with your values.

When You’re Told About
an Ouch Moment You Made
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***

the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

an Ouch Moment You Made
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real

Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers

Find Your Bucket People

Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing

If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize

If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve

Build Authentic Relationships

Break

Caucus Groups
 Think about your various identities, and which
ones hold much importance to you.
 Which one of your identities do you feel most
moved to advocate for and educate around?
 You will be answering the following prompts:
– What we never want people to say, think, or
do towards our group is…
– What we want you to know about our group
is…
National Coalition Building Institute, Seattle Chapter, “Building Bridges Workshop,” Adapted by Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

Caucus Groups Formation
 Groups Identified
 Locations Assigned
 Caucus Groups
 Caucus Group
Report Outs

To Keep in Mind:
 Write down all answers to prompts.
 Everyone in the group is invited to stand
together.
 Decide who will share items and how.

Caucus Groups Work Time
Please document the responses to the following
prompts:
– What we never want people to say, think, or
do towards our group is…
– What we want you to know about our group
is…

Caucus Group Report Outs

Debrief: Caucus Groups
1. What information was new,
informative, moving, etc. to
you?
2. How does this information
change what you will think or
do in the future?
3. What action can you take to
become a better advocate for
yourself?
4. What action can you take to
become a better ally for
others?

Fears and Anxieties that Keep Us
from Having Conversations
 Offending
 Losing Face
 Tokenism
 Professional Risk
 Bursting the Bubble
 Rocking the Boat
 Conflict
 Lack of “Authority”

Pitfalls and Obstacles that Keep Us
from Conversing Again
 Outbursts
 Silence
 Denial
 The Good Talk
 Teacher vs. Facilitator
 Personal Attacks
 The Quick Fix
 Leadership Oppression

Open Acknowledgment

Define the Opportunity

Facilitation Skills
 Space
 Confidence and Competence
 Relationship Building
 Credibility
 Flexibility and Authority
 Optimism
 Modeling
 Multiple Learning Styles

Facilitation Tips
 Co-facilitation
 Depersonalization
 Vulnerability
 Relationships
 Saving it for Later
 Discomfort
 Clarification
 Listening
 Hot Buttons

Avoiding the Pitfalls and
Overcoming the Obstacles
 Powerful stories
 Powerful statistics
 Powerful analogies
 Facilitation Skills
 Welcoming environment
 Clear and strict norms
 Willingness to sit with
discomfort

Equality vs Equity
Everybody gets a shirt versus everybody
gets a shirt that fits.
Giving everybody some insulin in
equality. Giving only people who are
diabetic some insulin is equity.
What is “fair”?

Institutional vs Individual

Correlation vs Causation
Correlation: When income is averaged and compared, there
is a strong correlation between gender and income. This is
due to a myriad of historical, systemic, and economic factors that
impact men and women differently in the workplace.
Causation: When income is averaged and compared, there is a
strong correlation between gender and income. This must be
because women must not be as smart, hard-working, or
good with money as men.
Correlation: When more firefighters are fighting a fire, the
bigger the fire is observed to be.
Causation: The additional firefighters made the fire bigger.

Where We’re From vs Where We’re Going
Where We Come From: It used to be that LGBTQ people
were openly discriminated against. Many LGBTQ people
were killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, etc. We’ve
come so far; now we have openly gay celebrities, politicians,
and other public figures. There are many states now where
gay marriage is legal and most workplaces have LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies. I don’t understand why LGBTQ people
are so angry.
Where We Are Going: We still have LGBTQ people who are
discriminated against. There are still occasions of LGBTQ
people killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, and more.
We have a long way to go. There are still a few states where
gay marriage is illegal and workplace LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies don’t translate to fair treatment. I don’t
understand why straight people are so complacent.

Expert Opinion vs Personal Opinion
Expert Opinion: One person holds a Ph.D. in Astronomy, is
widely published in academic journals and books, and has
a national reputation in her field. She states that, based on
the cutting-edge criteria for what constitutes a planet, there
are 8 planets in our solar system.
Personal Opinion: Another person states that there are 9
planets because that is what he learned in school. He has
seen many books with pictures of the planets, he had a
map of the sky in his bedroom as a child, his parents taught
him about planets, and he spent his childhood camping out
and looking up at the sky and identifying constellations, so
he has experience in astronomy. He and many of his
friends agree that there are 9 planets in our solar system.
Is everybody’s opinion equally valid?

Privilege
“Privilege exists when one group has
something of value that is denied to others
simply because of the groups they belong
to, rather than because of anything they’ve
done or failed to do.”
[as described by Peggy McIntosh and quoted by Allan Johnson]
Privilege is SYSTEMIC. It drives the
systems that dominate our societies.

Two Types of Privilege
Unearned Advantage
an unearned entitlement
(i.e. things of value that
all people should have)
that is restricted to
certain groups
Conferred Dominance
bestowed control;
granted authority;
awarded power or
domination- Giving one
group power over
another

Accumulated Advantages

Situational Advantage
There are prime parking spots and seats
reserved for people with disabilities. People
with disabilities are often first to board
planes and other transportation vehicles.
These advantages are situational and do not
balance out systemic oppression.

Situational Advantage

Next Steps
 Work to progress from unconscious
incompetence to unconscious competence
 Work actively to discover new blind spots
 Strategize a plan to engage everyone in a
process of sharing, discovering, and
committing to action
 Seek ways to learn blind spots at minimum
burden to folks who are marginalized

Final Questions or Comments?

Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• Facilitation First
• Jimpact Enterprises, Inc.
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• The Thiagi Group

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Lick-Wilmerding Navigating and Facilitating Courageous Conversations

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