40 minute session delivered at the All School Meeting. How do you navigate those "ouch" moments - those that offend or hurt, even though they may be unintended? Learn some of the obstacles of authentic conversations, as well as practical strategies for what to do or say when you are the target of ouch moments, witness to ouch moments, and agents of ouch moments.
1. Navigating the “Ouch” Moment:
When You Receive It, See It, or Do It
The Madeira School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
3. Agenda
Courageous Conversations
When Receiving the Ouch
When Witnessing the Ouch
When Receiving the Interruption
Engaging Authentically
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
5. Debunking Some Myths
All or None
Mistakes and Moral Worth
Apologies
“Tonsils” Theory
Vulnerability
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
6. Speaking From the Heart
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
7. What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving the Ouch
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
8. What We End Up Saying
When Receiving the Ouch
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
9. Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
Affirm the person or relationship
Describe the behavior without judgment
Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
Assume positive intent
Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
10. Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment:
An Example
Is this an okay time to talk to you about something
that happened earlier? I really appreciate having
you as a friend. You’ve helped me through tough
times, and we have so much fun together. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got 98%,
I heard you say, “Well of course you got a 98% -
you’re Asian!” I was really hurt when I heard that.
I work so hard in all my classes and spend a lot of
effort to earn good grades, and it seems like so
many people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
frustrating and saddening to feel like I don’t get to
fully own my accomplishments. I imagine you
didn’t mean for me to feel that way. Can I ask that
you please don’t say things like that anymore?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
11. Practice Round:
Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
Affirm the person or relationship
Describe the behavior without judgment
Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
Assume positive intent
Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
12. Being A Witness
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
13. What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing the Ouch
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
14. What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
15. What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
16. NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
Build the Relationship
Stop the Behavior
Win an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
17. Say Something to Somebody
Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
18. Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
Seek pleasure and delight in the other person
– “How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
– “I’m SO glad you told me that joke. I’ve been trying to figure out why we think people
with yellow hair are stupid.”
Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
19. Practice Round:
Intervening in the Ouch Moment
Seek pleasure and delight in the other person
Find out the experience motivating the comment
Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going
on (use sparingly)
Join the person and do not make yourself superior
***Ask open ended questions***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
20. Listening to the Real Message
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
21. What Was Said During the Intervention
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
22. What We Hear During the Intervention
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
23. What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake in
behavior or words, and
you may not know the
impact they have on
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that you
might act in congruence
with your values.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
24. When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
Listen with full attention
Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
25. When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
“I really appreciate your telling me this.”
“I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
“I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
“I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
“I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
26. Practice Round:
When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
Listen with full attention
Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
27. Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
28. Find Your Bucket People
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29. Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing
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30. If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
31. If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
34. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
35. Final Questions or Comments?
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36. Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)