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McDonogh School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Courageous Conversations
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
About Seattle Girls’ School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Agenda
 Courageous Conversations
 When Receiving the Ouch
 When Witnessing the Ouch
 When Receiving the Interruption
 Engaging Authentically
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Courageous Conversations
in Our Schools and Lives
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Safety versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
True dialogue happens in an environment where everyone is
safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Safe Spaces 2.0 – Brave Spaces
 Controversy with Civility
 Own your own intent and impact
 Challenge by choice – with reflection
 Respect in all its multiplicity
 No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
 Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Debunking Some Myths
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
 All or None
 Mistakes
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability
Growing Through the Ouch
Moment
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Speaking From the Heart
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….
What We End Up Saying
When Receiving the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!
Be A DEAR….
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment:
An Example
Can I talk with you about something? I really
appreciate having you as a friend. I have so
much fun with you, and I can tell you anything.
Earlier today, when I got my math test back
and I got 98%, I heard you say, “Well of course
you got a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty
hurt when I heard that. I work hard in all my
classes to get good grades, but so many
people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
sad that I don’t get to own my
accomplishments like everyone else. I’m
pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel that
way. Can I ask that you please don’t say
things like that anymore?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Being A Witness
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!
What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.
They were born
innocent…
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Ask open ended questions
– “He’s acting like a sissy”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Listening to the Real Message
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
What Was Said During the Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.
What We Hear During the Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!
What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake, and you
may not know how that
mistake is impacting
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that your
intentions and impacts
match up.
It’s a gift…
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”
Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Find Your Bucket People
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Build Authentic Relationships
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Inclusive Communities
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Final Questions or Comments?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

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McDonogh Upper School Courageous Conversations

  • 1. McDonogh School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Seattle Girls’ School Courageous Conversations Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 2. About Seattle Girls’ School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 3. Agenda  Courageous Conversations  When Receiving the Ouch  When Witnessing the Ouch  When Receiving the Interruption  Engaging Authentically Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 4. Courageous Conversations in Our Schools and Lives Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 5. Safety versus Comfort Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of greater shared understanding and growth. Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my perspective, as everyone shares it. True dialogue happens in an environment where everyone is safe but not always comfortable... SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 6. Safe Spaces 2.0 – Brave Spaces  Controversy with Civility  Own your own intent and impact  Challenge by choice – with reflection  Respect in all its multiplicity  No personal attacks, but pointed challenges are okay  Be mindful of the true source of your emotions Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 7. Debunking Some Myths Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)  All or None  Mistakes  Apologies  “Tonsils” Theory  Vulnerability
  • 8. Growing Through the Ouch Moment William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 9. Speaking From the Heart Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 10. What We’re Thinking and Feeling When Receiving the Ouch Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) Did that really happen? Do they realize? I want to trust, but I’ve had this happen so many times before. I am so stressed, confused, hurt….
  • 11. What We End Up Saying When Receiving the Ouch Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) That was so offensive! I can’t believe you did that!
  • 12. Be A DEAR…. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 13. Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment  Affirm the person or relationship  Describe the behavior without judgment  Explain the emotion/impact and your filters  Assume positive intent  Request or suggest different behavior *** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings*** Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 14. Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment: An Example Can I talk with you about something? I really appreciate having you as a friend. I have so much fun with you, and I can tell you anything. Earlier today, when I got my math test back and I got 98%, I heard you say, “Well of course you got a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty hurt when I heard that. I work hard in all my classes to get good grades, but so many people assume it’s because of my race. It’s sad that I don’t get to own my accomplishments like everyone else. I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel that way. Can I ask that you please don’t say things like that anymore? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 15. Being A Witness Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 16. What We’re Thinking and Feeling When Witnessing the Ouch Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) I can’t believe this is happening. That’s SO not right. Should I say something? Am I butting in? Would it help? I am so upset!
  • 17. What We End Up Saying When Witnessing the Ouch Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 18. What Others Hear When We Say Nothing Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) See? They agree with me! I am so right about this. No one sees or understands. I am alone.
  • 19. They were born innocent… Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 20. NCBI Effective Interventions Model  Reduce Defensiveness – Tone – Body Language – Respect  Keep the Conversation Going – Hear Them Out – Ask Open-Ended Questions – Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment – Dialogue  Build the Relationship  Stop the Behavior  Win an Ally Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 21. Say Something to Somebody  Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)  Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Martin Luther King, Jr. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 22. Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples  Ask open ended questions – “He’s acting like a sissy” – “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”  Find out the experience motivating the comment – “Why can’t they just speak English around here?” – “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.” – “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.” – “Tell me more about that.”  Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on (use sparingly) – “That movie is so gay.” – “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”  Join the person and do not make yourself superior – “She got that award because she’s black and female.” – “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she earned it.” Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 23. Listening to the Real Message Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 24. What Was Said During the Intervention Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) Those words or actions are hurtful to me. Please stop.
  • 25. What We Hear During the Intervention Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) You are a bad, bad person, and I hate you!
  • 26. What We Should Hear During the Intervention Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee) You are basically a good and decent person. As with all of us, you’ve made a mistake, and you may not know how that mistake is impacting others. I am going to give you the gift of information so that your intentions and impacts match up.
  • 27. It’s a gift… Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 28. When You’re Told About the Ouch Moment You Created  Listen with full attention  Don’t try to defend or respond right away – Take deep breaths – Acknowledge your feelings  Your mistakes don’t define you – Be worthy of their trust and gift  Prioritize the Impact over Intent – Apologize for real *** Moving through these moments with grace is called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill*** Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 29. When You’re Told About the Ouch Moment You Created: Examples Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)  “I really appreciate your telling me this.”  “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”  “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”  “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think you can help me come up with a better way to handle that situation after I get into a calmer place?”  “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I handled very well… Can we talk?”
  • 30. Final Words of Advice: Recognize Your Triggers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 31. Find Your Bucket People Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 32. Practice Makes Less Heart-Attack-Inducing Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 33. If You Messed Up and You Know It, Don’t Wait for the Intervention – Just Apologize Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 34. If You’re Really Sorry, Work to Improve Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 35. Build Authentic Relationships Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 36. Inclusive Communities Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 37. Presenter Information Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee 6th Faculty and Professional Outreach Seattle Girls’ School 2706 S Jackson Street Seattle WA 98144 (206) 805-6562 rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org http://tiny.cc/rosettalee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 38. Final Questions or Comments? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  • 39. Resources • Anti-Defamation League • Brené Brown • Cross Cultural Connections (www.CulturesConnecting.com) • National Coalition Building Institute • The People’s Institute • Stirfry Seminars • Teaching Tolerance • The Thiagi Group Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)