MTI 2015 Restorative Reentry

Multicultural Teaching Institute
Seattle Girls’ School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Restorative Reentry:
Sustaining Ourselves Back at Home
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Going Home
What excites you
most about
returning to your
home life and
eventually school
life? What deflates
or worries you
about returning?

Post-Conference Bummer

In-Between Times

Say Goodbye… For Now

As James Taylor Said…
You just call out my name
and you know where ever I am
I'll come running
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know
you've got a friend.

Coalition of Experts and Allies
 Tell me what it’s like…
 What might have been going on
when…
 What would you suggest…
 What could I do next time…
 Am I totally off base or…
 Can I run something by you?

Sharing Resources

I’ll Be Reaching Out To…
Jot down names of
folks you have met
here (or at other
conferences and
workshop) to whom
you’d like to reach
out and develop a
relationship.

Building Coalitions At Home

Find and Cultivate Hidden Allies

Affirm Folks Who Get It

Create Mini-You’s

Leave No Space Uncovered

I’ll Be Reaching Out To…
Jot down names of folks
at your school to whom
you’d like to reach out
and develop a
relationship. Who might
be your unknown allies?
Who can help cover
those backstage
spaces?

How Do I Cultivate Myself?

Have Different Methods for Different Occasions

Develop Your Inner Credible Hulk

Equality vs Equity
Everybody gets a shirt versus everybody
gets a shirt that fits.
Giving everybody some insulin in
equality. Giving only people who are
diabetic some insulin is equity.
What is “fair”?

Institutional vs Individual

Correlation vs Causation
Correlation: When income is averaged and compared, there
is a strong correlation between gender and income. This is
due to a myriad of historical, systemic, and economic factors that
impact men and women differently in the workplace.
Causation: When income is averaged and compared, there is a
strong correlation between gender and income. This must be
because women must not be as smart, hard-working, or
good with money as men.
Correlation: When folks are carrying umbrellas, they are
also wearing rain boots. This is because it’s raining.
Causation: Umbrellas make people wear rain boots.

Where We’re From vs Where We’re Going
Where We Come From: It used to be that LGBTQ people
were openly discriminated against. Many LGBTQ people
were killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, etc. We’ve
come so far; now we have openly gay celebrities, politicians,
and other public figures. There are many states now where
gay marriage is legal and most workplaces have LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies. I don’t understand why LGBTQ people
are so angry.
Where We Are Going: We still have LGBTQ people who are
discriminated against. There are still occasions of LGBTQ
people killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, and more.
We have a long way to go. There are still a few states where
gay marriage is illegal and workplace LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies don’t translate to fair treatment. I don’t
understand why straight people are so complacent.

Expert Opinion vs Personal Opinion
Expert Opinion: One person holds a Ph.D. in Astronomy, is
widely published in academic journals and books, and has
a national reputation in her field. She states that, based on
the cutting-edge criteria for what constitutes a planet, there
are 8 planets in our solar system.
Personal Opinion: Another person states that there are 9
planets because that is what he learned in school. He has
seen many books with pictures of the planets, he had a
map of the sky in his bedroom as a child, his parents taught
him about planets, and he spent his childhood camping out
and looking up at the sky and identifying constellations, so
he has experience in astronomy. He and many of his
friends agree that there are 9 planets in our solar system.
Is everybody’s opinion equally valid?

Privilege
“Privilege exists when one group has
something of value that is denied to others
simply because of the groups they belong
to, rather than because of anything they’ve
done or failed to do.”
[as described by Peggy McIntosh and quoted by Allan Johnson]
Privilege is SYSTEMIC. It drives the
systems that dominate our societies.

Two Types of Privilege
Unearned Advantage
an unearned entitlement
(i.e. things of value that
all people should have)
that is restricted to
certain groups
Conferred Dominance
bestowed control;
granted authority;
awarded power or
domination- Giving one
group power over
another

Accumulated Advantages

Situational Advantage
There are prime parking spots and seats
reserved for people with disabilities. People
with disabilities are often first to board
planes and other transportation vehicles.
These advantages are situational and do not
balance out systemic oppression.

Situational Advantage

An Ally Is…
“a person who is a member of the dominant or
majority group who works to end oppression in
his or her personal and professional life
through support of, and as an advocate with
and for, the oppressed population”
Washington and Evans, Becoming an Ally

An Ally Is…
“Someone who doesn’t have to stand up for
someone else, who might even lose something
if they do, but they do it anyway because they
know it’s the right thing to do”
6th Grade Student

Developing into an Ally
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active

Safety versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
Good education happens in an environment where everyone
is safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.

Safe Spaces 2.0 – Brave Spaces
 Controversy with Civility
 Own your own intent and impact
 Challenge by choice – with reflection
 Respect in all its multiplicity
 No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
 Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions

Where Do You Want to Grow?
In what areas do you feel
very well prepared to have
the “mind conversations,”
and what are some of your
strategies for getting
through? What areas pose
challenges or even stump
you? What might you try?

Speaking From the Heart

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….

What We End Up Saying
When Receiving an Ouch Moment
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!

Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Self Advocacy Through an Ouch Moment:
An Example
Is this an okay time to talk to you about something
that happened earlier? I really appreciate having
you as a friend. You’ve helped me through tough
times, and we have so much fun together. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got 98%,
I heard you say, “Well of course you got a 98% -
you’re Asian!” I was really hurt when I heard that.
I work so hard in all my classes and spend a lot of
effort to earn good grades, and it seems like so
many people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
frustrating and saddening to feel like I don’t get to
fully own my accomplishments. I imagine you
didn’t mean for me to feel that way. Can I ask that
you please don’t say things like that anymore?

Being A Witness

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!

What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing an Ouch Moment

What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.

NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally

Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Seek pleasure and delight in the other person
– “How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
– “I’m SO glad you told me that joke. I’ve been trying to figure out why we think people
with yellow hair are stupid.”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”

Listening to the Real Message

What Was Said During the Intervention
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.

What We Hear During the Intervention
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!

What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake in
behavior or words, and
you may not know the
impact they have on
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that you
might act in congruence
with your values.

When You’re Told About
an Ouch Moment You Made
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***

When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

Build Authentic Relationships

Be Accessible.
Jargon and Data Don’t Move Hearts

Let It Go Now and Then

Where Do You Want to Grow?
In what ways do you feel
effective in the “heart
conversation,” and what are
some of your strategies for
getting through? In what
ways do you feel
challenged or even
stumped? What might you
try?

Self Care and Interest

Have an Affirmation File

Develop Your Mantras

Rosetta’s Mantras
 “I can do anything good.”
 We were all born innocent.
 “Not cool, Robert Frost!”
 With this brief life I’ve been given, I
plan to do as much good for as long
as I can.
 Stubborn Ounces…

Stubborn Ounces
(To the One Who Doubts the Worth of Doing Anything If You Can’t Do
Everything)
by Bonaro W. Overstreet
You say the Little efforts that I make
will do no good: they never will prevail
to tip the hovering scale
where Justice hangs in balance.
I don’t think I ever thought they would.
But I am prejudiced beyond debate
in favor of my right to choose which side
shall feel the stubborn ounces of my weight.

More Ways to Grow
 Attend more workshops
 Have more real discussions with people
who affirm you
 Have more real one-on-one dialogue with
people who may or may not affirm you
 Continue to learn and grow in your
knowledge base for content AND skills

Final Questions or Comments?

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• Facilitation First
• Jimpact Enterprises, Inc.
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• The Thiagi Group

MTI 2015 Restorative Reentry

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