PGIS 3: Supporting Your Girls in Adolescence
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Seattle Girls' School Parent and Guardian Information Series, Session Three. Learn some socioemotional, social, racial, ethnic, and gender identity development. Learn about some of the common trends found among teens and their parents. Hear what research has to say about healthy discipline.
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PGIS 3: Supporting Your Girls in Adolescence
- 1. Thought Bubble As you enter and settle, please think about your adolescent years. What do you remember? What were you like? What was your relationship like with your parent(s) or guardian(s)? What was school like? What were your greatest hopes or fears? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 2. Seattle Girls’ School Parent/Guardian Information Series Session Three: Supporting Your Girls in Adolescence October 12, 2009 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 3. Introductions Warm-Up Questions As you think about your own adolescence, what were the most critical factors in making that time for you wonderful or terrible? What tools would you like to get out of our session today? (Please jot down your questions on a note card) Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 5. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 6. Adolescence “ Teenagers [are like] people constantly on LSD. People on acid are intense, changeable, internal, often cryptic and uncommunicative, and, of course, dealing with a different reality.” Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 7. Changes Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 12. Mixing it Up My child is: Seemingly very much in girlhood Flirting with teen behaviors Off and on tween and teen Thick in adolescence Has been a teen FOREVER Please gather in affinity groups. Meet, chat, clarify. How do you see your child’s social, emotional, racial/ethnic, etc. identity manifesting itself in your interactions and her behavior? How do you support her?
- 13. Supporting Our Girls Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 14. Special Considerations Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Sexy --- Slutty Powerful --- Bitchy Smart --- Bookish Cheerful --- Uncool Confident --- “All That” Athletic --- Jocky Close to Friends --- Lesbian
- 17. Questions and Answers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 18. Coming Soon to a Parent/Guardian Program Series Near You… Lively Homework Discussion Math Night Alternative Aggression (Female Bullying) Sex Ed Programs Transitioning to High School Decision Making for Adolescents And More! Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- 25. Thank You! Have a fantastic evening!
Editor's Notes
- Target Audience: All Families
- Keep in Mind - material speaks in generalities and norms. Girls, their social development, etc. can fall outside of the information given, and they are completely normal. Making blanket assumptions are dangerous, and norms do not define normal or good. Gender norms can easily become Sexism. Adolescent norms can easily become adultism.
- Mary Pipher Period of overgeneralization. Overgeneralization. One affront = I have no friends. One good grade = academic diva. Uncle says I would make a good nurse = I should become a nurse. One friend gets a ride to school = everyone gets a ride to school. A quirky habit of a parent = everyone thinks you’re a dork. A few household chores = I do all the work around here. Girls deal with painful thoughts, discrepant information, and cognitive confusion in ways that are true or false to the self. The temptation is to shut down, to oversimplify, and to avoid the hard work of examining and integrating experiences. Girls who operate from a false sense of self often reduce the world to a more manageable place by distorting reality. Cults = someone does thinking for you. Anorexia = everything comes down to weight.
- Mary Pipher - Academic, Physical, Emotional, Thinking, Social, Spiritual Selves all in flux and all developing at different paces! Joanne Deak - Peers become really important. Starting to pull away from parent(s). Seeking personal power. Wide range of behaviors fit under the “normal for this age” category.
- Chart - Erikcson on front, Bingham-Styker on back Oulette’s 3 Cs of Hardiness
- Transitory Years - Baskin Robbins: taste every flavor in order to discover which ones you like and which ones you don’t like. Friendship Clusters - likes flavors with nuts in them - pistachio, maple walnut, butter pecan, almond mocha. Not that she doesn’t like other flavors or doesn’t appreciate differences - she just likes these better. Different than cliques - these are more accepting and more fluid. This cluster doesn’t freak if bubble gum ice cream approaches them in the mall. Beginnings of real friendships and relationships. Best Friends - butter pecan is far away the best. Some come close, but nothing compares. 24/7 - spend all day at school together, come home and call friend right away. Practice time for choosing a mate or partner later in life. Learns to act in an intimate relationship. Generalists never need this intimacy. They are wired to appreciate all flavors and keep social nets wide open. Cliques - Girls replace the stability offered by the anchor of adults with cliques. Surrounding oneself with others that look alike, talk alike, and act alike makes the world feel safer and allows this movement away from the influence of significant adults more comfortable. The more impermeable and wielding of power the clique is, the more insecure the members are. The clique cocoon helps stabilize its occupants until they are strong enough and independent enough to stand outside of the group, or somewhat alone. The task of adults in the sphere of influence of cliques is, first, to accept its important function, and second, to draw the line when a clique’s influence moves from the unpleasant to downright unhealthy. **** girls produce the most testasterone in middle school years (hormone of aggression and risk taking) Interest-Based Friendship Groups - based on shared interests, passions, or philosophies. Friends are now boys and girls. Nonexclusive: some interest cross-over. Benefits of clusters and cliques without the downside: acceptance, activity, and social creativity, without insecurity, narrowness, and meanness.
- Chart - Racialized and Ethnic Identity Development for People of Color (front) Pre-Encounter, Encounter, Immersion/Emersion, Internalization Racialized and Ethnic Identity Development for Whites (back) Pre-Contact & Contact, Disintegration, Reintegration, Pseudo-Independent, Immersion/Emersion, Autonomy Chart - Phinney’s Model of Ethnic Identity Formation Unexamined Ethnic Idenity, Ethnic Identity Search/Moratorium, Ethnic Identity Achievement Chart - D’Augelli’s Model of LGBQ Identity Development Exiting Heterosexual Identity Developing a Personal LGBQ Status Developing a Social LGBQ Identity Becoming an LGBQ Offspring Developing a LGBQ Intimacy Status Entering an LGBQ Community Handout - Ecological Framework for Understanding Multiracial Identity Development
- You must be this to be accepted, but you cannot be too much so, because that is not acceptable. No one knows where the boundaries are, so girls walk very tentatively along this knife’s edge. Naomi Wolf (Promiscuities) - Common and natural sexual curiosity, infatuation, admiration, and intimacy found among adolescent girls – the building anticipation of those feelings transferring to boys. Simultaneous excitement and sadness about the loss of intimacy among girls, which is inevitable./Continuum of women’s sexuality. Beyond a certain point of sexual power and liberation, she is deserving of violence and dehumanization. She can be cast out and killed both physically and emotionally./The acceptable promiscuity of white middle class sub-urban sexuality – it happens, but it happens quietly, out of sight, and outside of mainstream public face, which is pristine, neat, and “nice.” Those who fall outside of these norms are called “sluts.” Magic, Supernatural Power - obsession with Ouija Boards, witchcraft, cults. Perhaps meaning of the universe can be found in these magical charms, spells, and spirits. Tolkien novels, Lloyd Alexander novels, Harry Potter series. These all deal with young people, common people, discovering the existence of ACTUAL power and learning to wield it wisely through trials and tribulations. Kids sense that they are living mundane lives without personal power, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are unique in the universe and have great power, if only “life” would happen. Adoptees become obsessed with learning about “real” parents. Principal - dress code - kids these age need something to resist. I’d rather give them this simple thing to resist than open up the resistence to bigger, more serious matters. A whole lot of “why”s” - why do I have to do this, why do you always, why not, etc… Joanne Deak - “I think that the only reason we teenagers rely so much on what our friends say is because we are testing what our parents taught us, to make sure it was right.” – Elizabeth, 17. Resiliency and Vibrancy - Stuck between not supporting our girls through emotional and/or social landmines and treating them so tenderly a la Nation of Wimps. Very few girls retain resiliency and vibrancy. You can tell who has retained vs regained her vibrancy.
- Girls do not lie less than boys. Older kids lie more than younger kids. Introverts lie less than extroverts. (Teachers score 60%, Parents own kids slightly better than chance). Bad act + lie. Bad act gets punished but lie does not c o st extra. Children think lying is worse than adults. As they get older, they excuse lies more. Kids who can tell lies from truth better lie more. Young kids swearing = lie because both get punished. Before opportunity to lie, story of boy who cried wolf vs Washington & cherry tree, Constant threat of punishment = better lies. They go for broke because consequences are true. You won’t get into trouble. I won’t be mad at you. OK.I won’t be mad at you, and you’ll feel better about yourself. Better. I won’t be mad at you, and I will be proud and happy that you told truth. Great White lies and tattling. Lying is to be expected, but not to be disregarded. Parent entrapment, testing kids’ honesty unnecessarily Teen Rebellion. Lie = preserving relationship. When kids realize how much they lie, they are not proud. Permissive parents don’t hear more about the truth of their teens. Kids view permissive parent as not caring as much. Most lies = withhold information (independence). Going to parents (forced or voluntary) shows weakness. 14-15, slightly stronger in 11 than 18 Most consistent in enforcing rules few rules, clear, why. Other spheres did not control. Most conversation, least lies. Boredom starts in 7 th grade and goes throughout high school. Time wise study = 6 weeks, upkeep for 3 years, booster classes. Busy kids sometimes bored because 1) activities are parent’s demand, not self passion or 2) so used to time being filled by others, don’t know what to do. Results dissipated for the most part (no longevity) about 6 months on. Reward/pleasure principle children always got pleasure, regardless of size. Adults small pleasure, small reward, etc. Teens, no or lower response for smaller or medium. Large reward = super large response. Interestingly, pleasure spike suppresses prefrontal cortex. Some teens wired to take big risks. Low dopamine receptors (need more stimulus), high oxytocin (sensitivity to others’ opinion). Test of good idea, bad idea. Bad idea (biting down on light bulb, swallowing cockroach, etc.) adults have automatic emotional response. Teens weigh it in the logic part of the brain. Opinion survey results displayed anonymously to o t her teens triggered fear. Arguing = opposite of lying. Philipino teens arguing with parents. Not about parents’ authority, about rules. Moderate conflict = good social adjustment. Dual narrative of the teen. How many of them are pretending? (apathy because caring is not cool, lie because telling truth is not norm, dislike parents because liking parents is not cool)
- • IO/ID - trace cycle of oppression using women and leadership and communication. “sugar and spice” and “snips and snails,” women too emotional, women poor leader IO: women feel the need to “masculinize” herself through clothes, demeanor, and speech. ID: men feel the necessity to speak or lead in meetings. Rewards: “She’s got balls.” “What a real man.” Punishments: “She’s a bitch.” “He’s a pussy.” Negative impact for everybody: people cannot behave with complete freedom. • Stereotype Threat - Joshua Aronson. Took work of Claude Steele further (sidebar: Claude Steele now doing work to go beyond into impact of white people on stereotypes of whites being bigoted). Impact of stereotype threat on tests. I - Test 1: trying to figure out if this is a good test. No performance differences between AA and whites. Test 2: tests intelligence. Often a reflection of academic performance and indicator of future success. Achievement gap appears. II - both groups told test is just to see if it’s a good test. Test 1: no achievement gap. Test 2: boxes to declare race. Achievement gap appears. III - Test 1: all women and all men math tests. No difference. Test 2: all women except one man. Gap appears. Add another man. Gap gets bigger. IV - All white male engineering students taking a math test. Test 1: high achievement. Test 2: we’re trying to figure out why Asians do so much better on these tests. Scores drop. • Accumulated Impact - We know as educators what accumulated impact is “what time is it?” “what time is it?” “what time is it?” 1st few times no big deal. Then annoyance then irritability then anger. Kid 20 doesn’t know your experience and reads the situation as “you’re such an angry person.” when in reality there has been so much happening leading up to that point. You may be able to curb your response at times, but often, we can’t help but respond from the accumulation. Example: AA “You’re so articulate” Obama brought to national discussion. Example: Asian Americans “Where are you from?” • Code/Mode Switching - Because of our cultural identities and socialization, some of us can dress, speak, and be the same way from home to work to friends to clubs to whatever. Others of us have to adopt different modes and codes every time we enter a new situation. Example of teacher who sees student in “the outside world” and noticing tremendous difference. Question: what is the unsafe/unwelcoming culture of the classroom that forces the student to so drastically code and mode switch? PRIVILEGE • Fish Seeing the Water: Ask a fish what water is like and it will not know what you’re talking about. Ask a land-dwelling animal what water is, and it will tell you lots “it’s cold, it’s wet, I can’t breathe in it, this is how you move in it, etc.” White people sometimes say “I have no culture.” Not true. Just fish not seeing the water. Important to understand the culture of dominance so that we can understand how it does not treat some people fairly. • Normal versus Good: What happens statistically frequently is called “norm.” We have a tendency to interpret this as “normal” which has a value judgment associated with it. We then extend normal into good. When someone sneezes, the norm in this culture is to say “bless you.” We then consider this “normal.” Then we judge people who don’t say “bless you” as being rude or uncaring. Not necessarily. When we expect people to speak or behave in certain ways, we need to examine whether we are expecting these things because it’s the norm or because it’s good. • Intent versus Impact: In privilege, we sit in the luxury of concentrating on the intent more than impact. What we say and do can hurt or oppress, but we sometimes dismiss it citing that we “didn’t mean to.” ANALOGY: If you’re driving down the street and you accidentally run over someone’s foot, you’re going to leap out of the car. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Are you in a lot of pain? Can I get you to a hospital?” Imagine how ridiculous it would be if we got out of the car and said “I didn’t mean it. It can’t be THAT bad. Aren’t you exaggerating a bit rolling around on the ground like that? I didn’t do it on purpose, so I don’t see what the big deal is.” Yet this is what we do sometimes when someone tells us about an impact our words or actions have on them. Impact that is just as if not more painful than physical injury. We need to stop and listen and acknowledge when these things happen and work to stop and undo the accumulation. EXAMPLE: My walking down the street and asking a struggling man who was missing his arms below the elbow is he “needed a hand.” My intent was trying to be helpful, but impact was probably anger or pain. I need to own it.
- • Non-Verbal Communication – breakdown of some major categories of non-verbal communication as well as some differences you will find across different cultures. • Cultural Value Differences – some differences in cultural values around categories like relational and temporal. These differences can sometimes lead to major miscommunication and conflict due to value judgment. • 7 Criteria for Values – useful in thinking about values and value systems. I personally believe that TRUE values are never bad, but we tend to judge others based on their value PRIORITIES. The 7 criteria reminds us what makes a value a value and hopefully steers us clear of believing them invalid for someone else. • Values Definition Table – several values and basic definitions. I have found this table useful in values clarification exercises and conflict resolution for the sake of verbalizing what is at the root motivation of actions and statements that lead to conflict. (The last two documents are part of something I developed for an ethics primer for middle school and high school students. If interested in more, please go to http://www.nwabr.org/education/ethicslessons.html#PR . Though the organization is biomedicine focused, the primer is very cross-curricular.) • Yin-Yang Telephone – Direct and Indirect Communication • Whispers – Distractions and Internal Monologues of Intercultural Communication • Left Column Communication – Separating the actual observable data and internal thoughts, feelings, interpretations, and inferences. Includes theory, example, and blank form. • Non-Verbal Violation – Activity designed to demonstrate the discomfort and offense caused by conflicting nonverbal cues and norms. Wonderful activity developed by a fantastic facilitator, Stella Ting-Toomey. • Communication Exercises – I developed this series of communication activities to kick off my school’s all-school anti-bias programming. They are activities designed to demonstrate one-way and two-way communication, importance of objective and careful listening, dialogue and debate (supportive and defensive forms of communication), and intercultural communication and conflict. They were developed for 6th-8th graders, but I have used these exercise with adults with minor adjustments and deeper reflection questions. • Effective Interventions – Material I used in my classroom to give students some tools around interrupting offensive remarks, jokes, and slurs. You may find it a little puerile to use with adults, or you may find it a resource accessible to anyone. No matter what, I hope you find it a useful talking point for people looking to apply oppression, privilege, and power understanding to everyday situations. • Growing As an Ally – A complementary piece I used with “Effective Interventions” to give students tools around being an ally rather than, well, the self-righteous jerks they were being with each other at times. Gives thinking and doing points for folks eager to enter the world of allyship. • Book: Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands by Morrison and Conway. Although meant for the business traveler, this book makes a handy resource for looking up general customs and norms of several countries. Use with caution, of course, that you are using it as an FYI starting point rather than an idiot’s guide to intercultural communication.