The document is a presentation by Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee about navigating uncomfortable social interactions related to issues like bias, prejudice, or insensitivity. The presentation covers how to handle situations where you receive offensive comments, witness them, or realize you made an insensitive comment. It provides guidance on self-advocacy, speaking up as a witness, listening without defensiveness, and making sincere apologies to improve relationships and build inclusive communities. The overall message is about having courageous conversations to address social issues and deepen understanding between all people.

1. Pine Point School
Grades 6-9
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Navigating the “Ouch” Moment:
When You Receive It, See It, or Do It
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

2. About Seattle Girls’ School
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3. Agenda
 Courageous Conversations
 When Receiving the Ouch
 When Witnessing the Ouch
 When Receiving the Interruption
 Engaging Authentically
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4. Courageous Conversations
in Our Schools and Lives
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5. Debunking Some Myths
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 All or None
 Mistakes
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

6. Speaking From the Heart
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7. What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….

8. What We End Up Saying
When Receiving the Ouch
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That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!

9. Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

10. Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment:
An Example
Can I talk with you about something? I really
appreciate having you as a friend. I have so
much fun with you, and I can tell you anything.
Earlier today, when I got my math test back
and I got 98%, I heard you say, “Well of course
you got a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty
hurt when I heard that. I work hard in all my
classes to get good grades, but so many
people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
sad that I don’t get to own my
accomplishments like everyone else. I’m
pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel that
way. Can I ask that you please don’t say
things like that anymore?
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

11. Practice Round:
Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

12. Being A Witness
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13. What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing the Ouch
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!

14. What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing the Ouch
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15. What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
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See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.

16. NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

17. Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
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18. Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Ask open ended questions
– “That’s so retarded.”
– “What do you mean?”
– “He’s acting like a sissy”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why does everyone have such weird accents at that store?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “Her food is so stinky.”
– “When a smell is unfamiliar, it can seem like a bad smell. I know that’s true for me, too.
But I would also feel bad if someone called my food stinky just because they weren’t
used to it. I bet you would, too.”
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

19. Practice Round:
Intervening in the Ouch Moment
 Ask open ended questions
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going
on (use sparingly)
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

20. Listening to the Real Message
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21. What Was Said During the Intervention
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Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.

22. What We Hear During the Intervention
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You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!

23. What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
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You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake, and you
may not know how that
mistake is impacting
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that your
intentions and impacts
match up.

24. When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

25. When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
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 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

26. Practice Round:
When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

27. Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing
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28. If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize
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29. If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve
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30. Build Authentic Relationships
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31. Inclusive Communities
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32. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

33. Final Questions or Comments?
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34. Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group
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