Watershed School Conflict, Bullying, Relationships, and Community

Watershed School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Supporting Our Youth
Conflict, Bullying, Relationships, and Community
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Agenda
• Conflict versus Bullying
• Gender, Bias, Conflict, and Bullying
• Alternative Aggression
• What Can We Do?
• Example: Seattle Girls’ School
• Questions
• Resources

Definition of Conflict
• A clash between two
individuals or groups
• A disagreement or
argument about
something important
• Etc.

When It’s Bullying
• Power is uneven
• Intent to harm
• Repeated and
sustained
• Efforts to hide from
adults
• Advocacy not
changing behaviors

Types of Bullying Behavior:
and common characteristics of their perpetrators
• Traditional Bullying
• Clueless Bullying
• Bully-Victim Alternation
• Popular Bullying
• Being a “Facebook Thug”
The agent generally has less empathy,
patience, caring, and forgiveness for others.

Common Characteristics or Behaviors of
Youth Who Are Bullied
• They are more sensitive, unhappy, cautious,
anxious, quiet and withdrawn than other youth.
• They are generally insecure and non-assertive, and
react by withdrawing when targeted by other students
(rather than retaliating or asserting).
• They exhibit sudden change in behaviors: showing
signs of depression, not eating, cutting, letting
themselves go, losing interest in favorite things,
quitting teams, etc.
• They may be embarrassed to admit being bullied.
They may blame themselves or feel guilty.

Gender Differences

Brash
Troublemaker
Strong
Competitive
Physical
Silent
Clever
Mistake-Prone
Belligerent
Intuitive
Well-Behaved
Delicate
Cooperative
Emotional
Verbal
Pretty
Perfect
Nice
Gender Bias

Special Considerations for Girls
Sexy --- Slutty
Powerful --- Bitchy
Smart --- Bookish
Cheerful --- Uncool
Confident --- “All That”
Athletic --- Jocky
Close to Friends --- Lesbian

Special Considerations for Boys
Do Not Be Weak.
Be so, and you will be likened to
a girl or you will be called gay.

Gender, Bias, Conflict, and
Bullying
• Source of Power
• Worst Labels
• Who Bullies?
• Who is Bullied?
• Social Collective
• Abuse and Aggression
• Outliers of Victims
• Signs of Cry

Direct Aggression
• Angry, Hurtful
Words
• Physical
Fights

Alternative Aggression
• Relational Aggression
• Indirect Aggression
• Social Aggression

Relational Aggression includes acts that
“harm others through damage (or the
threat of damage) to relationships or
feelings of acceptance, friendship, or
group inclusion.”
Relational Aggression

Indirect Aggression allows the
perpetrator to avoid confronting the
target directly, making it seem as
though there is no intent to harm.
Indirect Aggression

Social Aggression
Social Aggression is intended
to damage self esteem or social
status within a group.

Process Break
How are your students
experiencing conflict and
bullying? What are the
greatest pressures facing
them? How do they currently
handle conflicts?

So What? Now What?

Distinguish Conflict and Bullying

When It’s Conflict…

D.E.A.R.
Conflict Advocacy
Rosetta Eun Ryong LeeRosetta Eun Ryong Lee

D.E.A.R.
• Describe what happened (without
judgment) using an I statement.
• Explain how it made you feel (on the
inside) or the impact the behavior had
on you.
• Affirm the other person or the
relationship (be authentic).
• Request a different course of action
(with respect).

AIMS
Problem Solving

A.I.M.S.
• Affirm the other person or the
relationship (be authentic), AND
• I statement about what is happening
(without judgment).
• My contribution to the conflict was
(really own your stuff if you want the
same from the other person).
• Solutions you are willing to take action
on, inviting the other person’s
contribution.

VOMP
Conflict Negotiation

V.O.M.P.
• Voice – Each person has the opportunity to VOICE
their feelings and experience of the conflict using “I”
statements. The other person LISTENS before sharing
their experience.
• Own – Each person takes ownership of their piece in
the conflict. “Here’s my contribution to the mess.”
• Mile – Each person “walks a mile” in the other
person’s shoes and tries to see the conflict from the
other person’s perspective.
• Plan – Both people work together to make a plan for
moving forward. What can we do so this doesn’t happen
again? What will we do differently next time?

When It’s Bullying…

Bullying Intervention
• Know when it is
bullying
• Tell them to stop the
behavior
• Seek healthy
support
• Tell an adult

Empowering the Bystander
Many bullying programs center around
agents and targets. Why not address
the 60-70% who are bystanders?
• Keeps the focus away from blaming the
targets or agents.
• Cover backstage spaces where only kids
are allowed.
• Create a mass of empowered allies and
shift the balance of power
• Create a new path of least resistance.

Ally Skills
• Don’t engage in bullying behavior
• Speak up when someone else is being bullied
– Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that assumption
make you silent
– Ask questions to clarify and to educate
• Don’t make the person who is bullying into someone
who is getting targeted
• Actively include those who are easily left out
• If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an
adult at school or at home
• Keep the climate healthy

Teach Digital Citizenship
• No Digital Conflicts!
• The Face Test – would you say it to their face?
• The Headline Test – would you want it broadcast?
• The Digital Self – are you the same person online?

Instagram photo by talk2spirit

Advice for Schools
• Policy - A comprehensive anti-bullying policy that enumerates
sources of bias and that includes alternative aggression.
• Programming - Training for teachers and staff on bullying
and bias. Support for teachers and staff in acting to
combat bullying and bias. Self-esteem, conflict
management, and community building programs and
curricula for students.
• Practice - Consistent and meaningful follow-through in
dealing with acts of bullying and bias. Coverage of
unsupervised spaces where bullying occurs most.
• PEOPLE - Critical mass of people who are supportive AND
active on all levels.
• PECUNIARY- Resources – Time, people, money, etc.
EMPOWER THE BYSTANDERS!

Process Break
What are we already doing to
build understanding around
conflict and bullying? What
tools are we teaching them
for addressing conflicts and
bullying? What could we be
doing better?

Seattle Girls’ School Approach

Programs at Each Grade
• 5th Grade – The “Perfect” SGS Girl
• 6th Grade – Social Development Model
• 6th Grade – Conflict Happens
• 6th Grade – Conflict vs. Bullying
• 7th Grade – Friends and Frenemies
• 7th Grade – Drama Happens
• 8th Grade – (As Needed)

Social Development
Joanne Deak, Girls Will Be Girls
• Self Awareness (0-2)
• Parallel Play (2-3)
• Interactive Play (3-6)
• Transitory Friendships (6-8)
• Friendship Clusters (8-10)
• Best Friends or Generalists (10-12)
• Cliques (12-14)
• Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+)
• (Almost) Universal Acceptance (Seniors)

Degrees of Relationships
• Strangers
• Acquaintances
• Target/Agent of Bullying
• Colleagues
• Teacher/Student, Boss/Employee,
Supervisor/Supervisee
• Community Members
• Friends
• Intimate Friends
• Partners
• Family

Drama is like Toxicology
In toxicology, the effect a poison has on
the person is related to the amount of
poison that the person is exposed to and
the size of the person…
In drama, how much it impacts a
community is related to the amount of
drama, the size of the drama, and the size
of the community…

Bystander to Ally
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active
Agent Bystander Ally

Safety versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
Good education happens in an environment where everyone
is safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.

Safe Spaces 2.0 – Brave Spaces
• Controversy with Civility
• Own your own intent and impact
• Challenge by choice – with reflection
• Respect in all its multiplicity
• No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
• Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions

What Can WE Do?

Central Question:
How do we establish and maintain
a school culture where all students
can be their authentic selves and
affirm others for who they are?
What tools do we equip them with
to navigate friendships, conflicts,
and other inevitable dynamics of a
real community?

Central Question v2
What do we mean by community?
What does one DO to contribute
toward building community?
What language and tools do we
need to provide so students can
DO community?

Questions and Comments

Resources
• Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the Gap,”
Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003
• Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social
Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion
• Emily Bazelon, Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and
Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy.
• “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District,
http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf
• Joe Feagin, “The Two Faced Racism.” White Privilege Conference.
Springfield, MA. April 2008.
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network)
www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference.
• Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org,
http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html
• Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of
Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine,
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=14430
7&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958

Gender Specific Resources
• The Boy Game, short film and interactive website.
• JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and
Courageous Daughters
• Jackson Katz, Tough Guise
• Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in
America.
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early
gender differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.”
• Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent
Girls
• Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out.
• Michael Thompson, Raising Cain.
• Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your
Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of
Adolescence
• Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, Promiscuities.

More Resources
• “101 Ways to Combat Prejudice.” Anti-Defamation League
http://www.adl.org/prejudice/default.asp
• Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers,
http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf
• Hafner, Lauren. “Bullying Report: How are Washington State
Schools Doing?” Safe Schools Coalition. December 2003
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/bullyreport/bullyreport12-
03.html
• “House Bill Report - SHB 1444, Washington State” Bully Police
USA http://www.bullypolice.org/wa_law.html
• “Ten Ways to Fight Hate.” Teaching Tolerance
http://www.tolerance.org/10_ways/index.html
• “Washington State School Safety Center.” Office of
Superintendant of Public Education
http://www.k12.wa.us/SafetyCenter/HarassmentBullying/default
.aspx

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

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