Westside School Alternative Aggression
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This document appears to be a presentation on alternative aggression among girls. It discusses gender differences and biases, types of alternative aggression like relational and social aggression, signs that a girl may be aggressive or victimized, and advice for girls and parents on dealing with aggression. The presentation provides information on conflict resolution strategies, empowering bystanders, undoing gender bias, and includes a question and answer section and list of resources for further information.
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Westside School Alternative Aggression
- 1. Thought Bubble When it comes to girls’ alternative aggression, bullying, “mean girls & queen bees,” what are your greatest questions or fears? What do you hope to get out of our session today? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 2. Sugar and Spice but Not Always Nice: Gender, Bias, and Aggression in Girls Westside School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Seattle Girls’ School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 3. About Seattle Girls’ School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 4. Agenda • Gender Differences • Gender Bias • Alternative Aggression • What Can We Do? • Discussions • Resources Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 5. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 6. Gender Differences Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 7. Gender Bias Brash Intuitive Troublemaker Well-Behaved Strong Delicate Competitive Cooperative Physical Emotional Silent Verbal Clever Pretty Mistake-Prone Perfect Belligerent Nice Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 8. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 9. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 10. Social Development Joanne Deak, Girls Will Be Girls • Self Awareness (0-2) • Parallel Play (2-3) • Interactive Play (3-6) • Transitory Friendships (6-8) • Friendship Clusters (8-10) • Best Friends or Generalists (10-12) • Cliques (12-14) • Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+) • (Almost) Universal Acceptance (Seniors) Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 11. Special Considerations Smart --- Bookish Athletic --- Jocky Sexy --- Slutty Close to Friends --- Lesbian Cheerful --- Uncool Confident --- “All That” Powerful --- Bitchy Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 12. Process Break Where is your daughter (or students) in the landscape of social development and gender norms/expectations? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 13. At the Crossroads Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 14. Alternative Aggression • Relational Aggression • Indirect Aggression • Social Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 15. Relational Aggression Relational Aggression includes acts that “harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.” Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 16. Indirect Aggression Indirect Aggression allows the perpetrator to avoid confronting the target directly, making it seem as though there is no intent to harm. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 17. Social Aggression Social Aggression is intended to damage self esteem or social status within a group. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 18. Friends and Frienemies Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 19. When It’s Bullying • Power is uneven • Intent to harm • Repeated and sustained • Efforts to hide from adults • Advocacy not changing behaviors Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 20. Outliers of Alternative Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 21. Process Break How have you seen alternative aggression play out in your daughter or students’ lives? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 22. It’s Too Big… Why Even Try? • It’s doesn’t affect everyone… • How bad could it be… • It’s not that big a deal… • What about their studies… • It couldn’t get any worse… • They’ll get over it… Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 23. It’s Too Big… To Ignore • Bullying 15-15-70 • Health and Safety • Psychological Pain • Academic Risk • Explosive Release • Long-Term Scars Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 24. Alternative Aggression: Where Does it Happen? Students report that alternative aggression happens in the following areas: 55% during recess or break time 52% in the cafeteria 42% in the hallways 37% on the way home 36% in the restrooms 36% in the classroom 29% in gym class 25% in after school sports 17% in after school activities Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 25. Alternative Aggression: Signs That She Might Be Aggressive • Her friends do what she wants to do. • She isn’t intimidated by the other girls. • Her complaints about other girls are limited to the lame things they did or said. • She is charming to adults. • She won’t (or is very reluctant to) take responsibility when she hurts someone’s feelings. • If she thinks she’s been wronged, she feels she has the right to seek revenge. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 26. Alternative Aggression: Signs That She Might Be Victimized • She is more sensitive, unhappy, cautious, anxious, quiet and withdrawn than other youth. • She is generally insecure and non-assertive, and react by withdrawing when targeted by other students (rather than retaliating or asserting). • She exhibits sudden change in behaviors: showing signs of depression, not eating, cutting herself, letting herself go, losing interest in favorite things, quitting teams, etc. • She may be embarrassed to admit that she is being bullied. She may blame herself or feel guilty. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 27. Advice for Girls Continued • Know when it is bullying • Stand up for yourself • Ask them to stop the behavior • Seek healthy support • Tell an adult Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 28. Advice for Parents: DON’T • Think “this is my fault.” • Belittle the problem. • Over-empathize. • Tell her what to do. • Become the Fix-It Parent. • Blame the bully OR the victim. • Tell her that being nice and kind will always lead to friends. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 29. Advice for Parents: DO • Provide opportunity/access to kids outside of school. • Help her develop strong interaction and social skills. • Let her friendship choices be hers, but offer to help. • Provide sanctuary, sounding board, and support. • Role-Play difficult conversations with her. • Give her healthy outlets for her feelings. • Respect and nurture her true self. • Try Teeter-Totter Parenting. • Be a listener, not a fixer. • Affirm your daughter. • Share your stories. • Stay Involved. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 30. D.E.A.R. Conflict Resolution Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 31. AIMS Conflict Problem Solving Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 32. Empowering the Bystander Many bullying approaches centers around agents and targets. Why not address the 70% who are bystanders? • Empowering bystanders keeps the focus away from blaming the targets or agents. • Empowering bystanders gives you a chance at creating a new “cool.” • Empowered bystanders can cover “backstage spaces.” • A mass of empowered allies shift the balance of power. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 33. Ally Skills • Don’t bully • Speak up when someone else is being bullied • Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that assumption make you silent • Ask questions to clarify and to educate • Don’t make the person who is bullying into someone who is getting targeted • Actively include those who are easily left out • If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an adult at school or at home • Keep the climate healthy Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 34. Undoing Gender Bias Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 35. Questions and Answers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 36. Presenter Information Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee 6th Faculty and Professional Outreach Seattle Girls’ School 2706 S Jackson Street Seattle WA 98144 (206) 805-6562 rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org http://tiny.cc/rosettalee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 37. Resources • Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the Gap,” Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003 • Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion • Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers, http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf • “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District, http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf • Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network) www.glsen.org • Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference. • Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org, http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html • John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on theory of mind and power. • Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine, http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm? Itemnumber=144307&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 38. Resources • Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion • Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers, http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf • “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District, http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf • Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network) www.glsen.org • Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference. • Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org, http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html • John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on theory of mind and power. • Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine, http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm? Itemnumber=144307&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
- 39. Gender Specific Resources • JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters, How Girls Thrive • Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in America. • John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early gender differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.” • Northwest Girls Coalition, Protective Factors for Middle School Girls - What can Parents Do? • Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls • Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out, Curse of the Good Girl • Harriet R. Tenenbaum, “Gender Achievement Motivation,” Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003. • Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads • Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth. • Naomi Wolf, Promiscuities. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Editor's Notes
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Introduction - Who Am I? Why This Workshop? Goals and Outcomes?
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Keep in Mind - material speaks in generalities and norms. Girls, their social development, etc. can fall outside of the information given, and they are completely normal. Making blanket assumptions are dangerous, and norms do not define normal or good. Gender norms can easily become Sexism. Adolescent norms can easily become adultism.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee John Medina - Talaris Institute Watching boys and girls play. Boys play together through competition (Oh yeah? I bet I can toss the ball higher than you!) Girls play collaboratively (Can you toss the ball as high as me? Let ’s try a little higher). Mix boys and girls (G-Wanna toss the ball? B-I bet I can toss the ball higher than you! G-You must not like me… B-What happened?) Rachel Simmons - Odd Girl Out Response to danger. Boys choose “fight or flight.” Girls choose “tend and befriend.” Males see aggression as a way to control their world, females see aggression as an end to relationships. Mary Pipher - Reviving Ophelia Boys see their failure in terms of external factors and see their success in terms of their ability. Girls see their success in terms of luck and hard work and see their failure in terms of lack of ability. Power Dead Even - women/girls will do anything to bring down another woman/girl to their level
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Cannot attribute all to gender differences. Gender bias plays a huge role. We socialize kids into these behaviors. What happens when boys display behavior on left? “Boys will be boys…” What happens when girls display behavior on right? “Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice!” What happens when gender behaviors don’t match gender expectations? Boys are pushed into sports, fights, getting dirty, building things, scientific investigation by adults and pushed down by peers with words like “Sissy, girl, pussy, fag.” Girls are told to play nice, share, be ladylike, punished harsher for fighting,complimented on looks by adults and put down by peers with words like “butch, jock, bitch, dyke.” Rachel Simmons - Odd Girl Out Ideal girl according to girls = very thin, pretty, blonde, fake, stupid, tall, blue eyes, big boobs, fit, expensive clothes, un-proportional, naked, trendy, popular, boyfriends, smiling, happy, helpless, talking on the phone, superficial conflicts, looks older, girlie, dependent, impractical clothes, manipulative, sex = power, rich, good teeth/clear skin, smart, perfect, romantically attached with someone with status. Anti-girl according to girls = mean, ugly, excessively cheerful, athletic, brainy, opinionated, pushy, dark features, not skinny, imperfections, promiscuous, professional, insecure, dorky, depressed/unhappy, masculine, serious, strong, independent, gay/lesbian, artsy, PMSish, unrestrained, egocentric, not social, hard to get along with, bookish.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Transitory Years - Baskin Robbins: taste every flavor in order to discover which ones you like and which ones you don ’t like. Friendship Clusters - likes flavors with nuts in them - pistachio, maple walnut, butter pecan, almond mocha. Not that she doesn ’t like other flavors or doesn’t appreciate differences - she just likes these better. Different than cliques - these are more accepting and more fluid. This cluster doesn’t freak if bubble gum ice cream approaches them in the mall. Beginnings of real friendships and relationships. Best Friends - butter pecan is far away the best. Some come close, but nothing compares. 24/7 - spend all day at school together, come home and call friend right away. Practice time for choosing a mate or partner later in life. Learns to act in an intimate relationship. Generalists never need this intimacy. They are wired to appreciate all flavors and keep social nets wide open. Cliques - Girls replace the stability offered by the anchor of adults with cliques. Surrounding oneself with others that look alike, talk alike, and act alike makes the world feel safer and allows this movement away from the influence of significant adults more comfortable. The more impermeable and wielding of power the clique is, the more insecure the members are. The clique cocoon helps stabilize its occupants until they are strong enough and independent enough to stand outside of the group, or somewhat alone. The task of adults in the sphere of influence of cliques is, first, to accept its important function, and second, to draw the line when a clique ’ s influence moves from the unpleasant to downright unhealthy. **** girls produce the most testasterone in middle school years (hormone of aggression and risk taking) Interest-Based Friendship Groups - based on shared interests, passions, or philosophies. Friends are now boys and girls. Nonexclusive: some interest cross-over. Benefits of clusters and cliques without the downside: acceptance, activity, and social creativity, without insecurity, narrowness, and meanness.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee You must be this to be accepted, but you cannot be too much so, because that is not acceptable. No one knows where the boundaries are, so girls walk very tentatively along this knife ’ s edge. Naomi Wolf (Promiscuities) - Common and natural sexual curiosity, infatuation, admiration, and intimacy found among adolescent girls – the building anticipation of those feelings transferring to boys. Simultaneous excitement and sadness about the loss of intimacy among girls, which is inevitable./Continuum of women ’ s sexuality. Beyond a certain point of sexual power and liberation, she is deserving of violence and dehumanization. She can be cast out and killed both physically and emotionally./The acceptable promiscuity of white middle class sub-urban sexuality – it happens, but it happens quietly, out of sight, and outside of mainstream public face, which is pristine, neat, and “ nice. ” Those who fall outside of these norms are called “ sluts. ” Magic, Supernatural Power - obsession with Ouija Boards, witchcraft, cults. Perhaps meaning of the universe can be found in these magical charms, spells, and spirits. Tolkien novels, Lloyd Alexander novels, Harry Potter series. These all deal with young people, common people, discovering the existence of ACTUAL power and learning to wield it wisely through trials and tribulations. Kids sense that they are living mundane lives without personal power, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are unique in the universe and have great power, if only “life” would happen. Adoptees become obsessed with learning about “real” parents. Principal - dress code - kids these age need something to resist. I ’d rather give them this simple thing to resist than open up the resistence to bigger, more serious matters. A whole lot of “why”s” - why do I have to do this, why do you always, why not, etc… Joanne Deak - “ I think that the only reason we teenagers rely so much on what our friends say is because we are testing what our parents taught us, to make sure it was right. ” – Elizabeth, 17. Resiliency and Vibrancy - Stuck between not supporting our girls through emotional and/or social landmines and treating them so tenderly a la Nation of Wimps. Very few girls retain resiliency and vibrancy. You can tell who has retained vs regained her vibrancy.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee You seek relationships. You seek acceptance. You seek stability and reassurance. You want independence from adults. You seek personal power. You seek meaning and direction in your life. You experience conflict (as anyone is wont to do). You know girls who fight are supposed to be catty bitches. You know that good, nice, pretty girls are supposed to have friends. You know that friends are supposed to like you. You know that your value lies in your “niceness.” You also know that nice girls become girlfriends. Loud girls become friends who are girls. You are supposed to be attractive and desirable as a girlfriend. What do you do?
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Alternative aggression defines any behavior that expresses anger in ways other than direct words or physical aggression. It has been happening for years among girls, but only recently has the literature come more into the mainstream with books like Odd Girl Out and Queen Bees and Wannabes and movies like Mean Girls.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rachel Simmons - Girls don ’ t want to express anger directly to the person that caused it for fear of losing that relationship. There are problems when direct confrontation happens. Because so many girls lack facility with everyday conflict expression of anger makes listeners skittish and defensive. The sound of someone upset feels like the first sign of impending isolation, a kind of social thunder echoing in the distance. Result: relational aggression - silent treatment. Not inviting someone. Stares and glares. I won ’ t be friends with you if …” Pretending the person isn ’ t there. Sabotaging a relationship.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rachel Simmons - Plague of the “ sorry ” : perfunctory like “ bless you. ” Really means, I don ’ t want to lose you so let ’ s call truce. But incident is recorded in memory to bring up at a later fight. Plague of the “ I ’ m just kidding. ” “ Can ’ t you take a joke? ” Girl making comment is really taking a jab to release aggression but keeps the “ nice girl ” thing by saying she was kidding. The girl on receiving end is hurt but won ’ t say because she doesn ’ t want to be “ hypersensitive girl, ” someone no one likes. For boys who have other outlets for anger, one-up teasing each other is actually a joke. For girls who have no other outlets, joking takes on another meaning altogether.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Can ’ t you take a joke? Gosh you are such an over-reactor. Eye rolling. Sarcasm. Mocking. Rumors - someone else does the “ dirty work ” in ruining the reputation and relationships of the target.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rachel Simmons Cultural confusion. You tell me to be nice, but my mom says don ’ t stay hit. You tell me ambition, independence, and individual achievement, but my culture says interconnectivity and collectivism. I don ’ t even want to fight you, but I have my reputation to keep. Hitting rock bottom is sometimes the only place you can see the route to up and out. Physical aggression is summarily and swiftly punished, especially with girls. This reaction is a subliminal message of condoning the hidden stuff. If you know your kid WILL face degradation and devaluing, what would you say to them? Women and girls who speak their minds are often labeled “ bitch ” and “ loudmouth ” – a common terminology for black, latino, and lower-income women who are socialized to speak their minds and defend themselves. JoAnn Deak - 20 percenters information
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Children experiencing bullying are more likely to have suicide ideation, experiment with drugs, participate in risky behaviors. Bullied students experience social loneliness, social invisibility, discomfort with parents and administrators who do not validate or understand their plight. Psychological pain registers in same area of brain as physical pain. We ’re not hypersensitive about physical bruises, we’re worried about long term psychological impact anyway. Same impact of physical bullying as indirect aggression. Students experiencing bullying often experience a sharp drop of focus and grades in school. Baumeister Studies on effects of social exclusion - drop of scores on academic tests. Baumeister studies also show that people who even THINK they are being socially excluded become less helpful and productive members of groups and become increasingly aggressive - school shootings are NOT a mystery when you look at the kids involved. Hundreds of grown women still carry the scars of bullying. Not a coincidence that middle school years are among the most hated memories of people ’s childhood. Behavior in relationships later on very much reflective of how the woman travailed through her adolescence. Our sense of worthlessness follows us on a systemic level (leadership, abusive relationships, self-preservation). Naomi Wolf - Women face isolation of male-dominated culture. Mass women ’ s culture found almost exclusively in magazines. Do and don ’ t tone of women ’ s magazines unimaginable in men ’ s magazines
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Stats from The Ophelia Project
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Source: Ophelia Project Relational Aggression Booklet
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Source: Ophelia Project Relational Aggression Booklet and Odd Girl Out
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rachel Simmons - Don ’ t blanket blame the bully. Don ’ t call the bully ’ s parents. Don ’ t overly empathize - think of her as a child learning to walk. Rachel Wiseman - Don ’ t be fooled by smooth approach of the bully – they know they can get you off their back by placating. Do not chastise the victim for not standing up for herself. Don ’ t freak out and threaten to call the school unless she asks for your help. Don ’ t tell her what to do. Joanne Deak - Parents = stop telling girls that nice and kind will lead to friends because it ’ s not true. If a girl is perceived as loyal, trustworthy, and respectful for others, she may or may not have a lot of friends in school. However, she probably will be recognized as a natural leader by other students, will find that girls and boys come to her to talk or for help with homework, and that people like her. Example: popular girls will often not be chosen for tasks like student rep – it ’ s the loyal, serious, trustworthy, and most likely to represent the needs of many. Don ’ t jump in too early or too often. Avoid the “ I want you to stop being her friend. ” Having a friend who talks you into doing bad things or talking behind your back does two important things. First, it forces a girl to figure out what to do in these situations and that adds to the bank of her coping skills. Second, it provides valuable information about human beings, which will add to her wisdom in making affiliation choices later. Pain and conflict sticks in the memory banks far better than parental words of advice.
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Mary Pipher : Surface structure changes versus deep structure changes – “ can I dye my hair purple? ” = “ Will you allow me to develop as a creative person? ” “ Can I watch R rated movies? ” = “ Am I someone who can handle sexual experiences? ” “ Can I go to a different church? ” = “ Do I have the freedom to explore my own spirituality? ” “… Try to understand what their surface behavior is telling me about their deep-structure issues … try to ascertain when their behavior is connected to their true selves and when it is the result of pressure to be a false self. Which thinking should I respect and nurture? Which should I challenge? ” Rachel Simmons: Parents – turn your home into a sanctuary. Listen and love. Encourage activities where she can feel success. Role play situations. Find ways to give her breathing room (safe places to go to lunch, etc.). Encourage new friendships but with BOTH the girls ’ consent and choice. Give her an outlet to express feelings. Know your own temperature and distinguish between what you want and what child needs. Rachel Wiseman: Parents - Through non-threatening questions, have the conversation about “ social map ” of school. Ask her to share thoughts as observer of girls. Gently figure out where she is. If she is in power, help her with empathy and taking responsibility for actions. Don ’ t be fooled by smooth approach – they know they can get you off their back by placating. If she is in the middle, help her see that she ’ s not in control of what she wants by obeying the powerful girls. Do not chastise for not standing up for herself. Practice with her what she wants to communicate with the more powerful girls. If she is a target, let her talk about it at her own pace. Don ’ t freak out and threaten to call the school unless she asks for your help. If she doesn ’ t want to talk to you about it, respect her feelings. Always reassure her that you are there for her, and line up some allies that she can talk to. IN ALL CASES affirm your daughter in some way. Share personal experiences. Don ’ t tell her what to do. Describe the behavior you respect. Work with her as she comes up with a plan that describes specifically what she wants to happen differently, and how she can make that happen. Tell her she can always blame you if her friend come down on her. Your daughter will feel better just knowing you understand life in Girl World. Joanne Deak: Keep girls socially healthy and continuing to develop good social interaction skills as well as friendship options. Provide opportunity and access to groups of kids outside the school scene. School social scenes can be very hierarchical and static. Other affiliations like camps, churches/synagogues, neighborhood sports teams, and classes are far less socially complicated and far more open. Don ’ t jump in too early or too often. Conflict is good. Use judgment on when by weighing the duration and pain. Help by giving conflict resolution tools. Teeter Totter parenting – job is to balance out. Avoider = send her back into the fray with some viable verbal arsenal. Pleaser = practice how to stand ground. Bulldozer = teach verbal mediation. Pearls: 1) Discuss Baskin-Robins ice cream description of social scene. If the moment leads to playful discussion, ask if she knows “ pecan ” or “ bubble gum. ” Ask her what flavor she is 2) If she is experiencing some routine social pain, let her see the light at the end of the tunnel by letting her know about the next stage 3) Open your house to her friends as frequently as you can. 4) Practice being a listener instead of a fixer. 5) Let her friendship choices be hers. NWGC: Stay involved! Volunteer for school and club activities. Know their peer group.; Be patient with attitudes – they change by the hour or day! Support the emotion in the moment, then find a time later to problem solve.; Allow some independent thought (hair and clothing styles, opinions etc.); Invite communication about topics that affect them. Watch movies and read books together ( Odd Girl Out , Queen Bees and Wannabes ); Help with "play dates". They made need suggestions and help taking appropriate social risks to get together outside school with peers.; Encourage extra curricular activities that don't include the same group of girls. Expose them to a wider range of girls and relationship opportunities.; Healthy Risks! Sports, clubs, activities (check out the resource fair!) ; Service Learning and Community Service. This is crucial to helping this age develop self-esteem. So important for them to feel they have something to contribute. Look for leadership opportunities!; Internet Safety and Cell Phone Rules – Stay aware, and involved! Post by your computer: What am I about to do? What could be the consequences? Why do I want to do it? Would I want it done to me? To check computer history: keylogger.com < http://keylogger.com/ > ; myfreeproxy.com < http://myfreeproxy.com/ > ; Eblaster.com
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee D escribe what ’s happening (without judgment) E xplain how it makes you feel (on the inside) A ffirm the other person (be authentic) R equest a different course of action (with respect)
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Affirm the relationship I statement that explains what ’s going on and how it makes you feel My contribution to this conflict was… Solutions you can contribute to resolve the conflict, seeking solutions from your partner
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Utilize those bystanders - they make up nearly 70% of the population - rally them to set a positive tone for the entire school (they ’re like the ants in A Bug’s Life!). In diversity work, they are the allies who can really make some changes in the world, those who can carve a new path away from the “path of least resistance.”
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Final Tidbits: -teach first and refer to later. We have a tendency to see it happen & react with education. -there are times and places for interventions. What is important is that SOMETHING is done in the moment, and that there is ALWAYS follow-up -don ’t let girls get away with a quick “sorry.” they know how to please adults. Get authentic conversation out of them. -practice, practice, practice. The more clever, poignant, and effective language comes out on the third try :-)
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
- Gender, Bias, and Aggression 01/17/13 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee