1. Here's the outline of 28 Oct 14
Lesson Call about Self-
Confidence and Self-Worth.

2. REVIEW: How many legs are
on the stool of Self-Esteem?

3. Answer = Three: Self-
Confidence, Self-Respect, and
Self-Worth.

4. Self-Confidence comes from
knowing you are competent.

5. Self-Respect comes from
knowing you are trustworthy,
to others and to yourself.

6. Self-Worth comes from feeling
deserving of good things and
lovable just as you are.

7. QUESTION: Can you feel self-confident
when you are NOT
competent?

8. ANSWER: Yes, but you
shouldn't.

9. We Americans tend to think
being optimistic about what
you can do is a Very Good
Thing.

10. But it's more rational to be
realistic about what you don't
yet know how to do.

11. And being realistic and rational
leads to saying, "I might
eventually be able to."

12. That doesn't sound like
optimism, but when you
consider practical limits...

13. It's more realistic to
acknowledge that some things
are hard to learn how to do.

14. And it's rational to
acknowledge that some
obstacles are tough to
overcome.

15. And it's smart to see that the
ecology of your life might
prioritize other goals.

16. So, even though it feels almost
unpatriotic to say it, the most
realistic view is:

17. Self-Confidence makes sense
only after you have a track
record of learning to mastery.

18. When you take on a new
challenge, you have three
steps that are essential:

19. 1) Learn new concepts 2)
Practice new skills 3) Achieve
mastery of tasks

20. You're not competent just
because you have gained
knowledge or memorized
facts.

21. You're closer when you have
gained knowledge AND
practiced new skills.

22. But you aren't really
competent until you have
practiced those new skills long
enough --

23. That you have passed a test,
achieved a goal, or mastered
some task that matters.

24. Once you can say with pride, "I
know how to do that, because
I have done it well, before!"

25. Then you are truly competent,
and your Self-Confidence is
justified.

26. And that confidence is not
easily shaken, because you
have a track record of mastery.

27. You can point to a certificate
on the wall, a trophy on the
shelf, or a birdhouse built.

28. Self-Confidence based on
competence is no brag, just
fact.

29. QUESTION: Shouldn't parents
try to build their children's
Self-Confidence early on,

30. by saying things like "You can
do anything you set your mind
to!" or ...

31. "The sky is the limit for
someone like you. If you can
dream it, you can achieve it!"

32. ANSWER: Only if it's good to
teach your children to really
believe in Santa Claus.

33. We Americans love the
sentiment of "You can do
anything you set your mind
to," and

34. We have lots of examples of
ordinary people who learned
to do extraordinary things.

35. But it isn't factually true that
anyone can do anything they
can dream of doing.

36. And it isn't even factually true
that anyone can do anything if
they work hard enough.

37. And it is probably true that
some things are so hard for
you to learn, you won't.

38. And even if you learn the facts,
you might not have time or
talent to learn the skills.

39. And even if you learn facts and
practice skills, you might not
be able to pass tests.

40. And some tasks are herculean,
even if you could learn how,
practice skills, and

41. master the basics: eg. "I want
to read every book written by
an American!"

42. The parenting instinct to
empower our children to think
positively feels right.

43. And is right if we help them
recognize how real power to
do things is gained:

44. By learning things, practicing
skills, and getting good enough
to do stuff well.

45. When we teach our kids that
learning new things is fun, we
help empower them.

46. When we help our kids
practice skills so they get
better, we empower them.

47. And when they practice
enough to master something,
they own their power.

48. Instead of giving them a falsely
optimistic version of reality
that sounds good,

49. We can give them a reality-based
process that actually
helps them be good.

50. Step 1: "You can learn lots of
new things; you already have!"

51. Step 2: "It's hard now, but as
you practice it gets easier and
you get better."

52. Step 3: "When you practice
well, your skills grow till you
can master tasks."

53. This process grows Self-
Confidence, because it grows
competence.

54. And what does it have to do
with Self-Worth?

55. It's hard to feel deserving of
good things unless you have
earned some of them.

56. In America, our culture tends
mostly to reward people who
can do things well.

57. (There are exceptions. Good
teachers aren't well paid, but
the Kardashians...)

58. And we label folks who think
they deserve good things
unearned as 'spoiled.'

59. Maslow labeled the third level
of his heirarchy of needs "Self-
Esteem."

60. And his definition fits ours of
both Self-Respect and Self-
Confidence.

61. (We'll be looking at Self-
Respect in more detail next
week.)

62. It's American to believe if you
are able, you should earn your
keep.

63. And if you can add great value
to others, you should earn
more than enough.

64. From the inside, we tend to
believe we deserve good
things if we earn them.

65. Competence that leads to
rewards builds Self-Confidence
and Self-Worth.

66. Would you agree with Maslow
that we i>need</i> to be
competent at something?

67. Or with Freud that love is one
hand but work the other of
healthy selfhood?

68. Even mostly dysfunctional
parents tend to give praise to
kids who DO well,

69. Though they are stingy with
approval for kids who deserve
their BEing affirmed.

70. Not only our children deserve
to know how the three steps
to competence.

71. Our inner-child can benefit
from that knowledge too.

72. What kind of affirmations or
empowering beliefs can you
install that:

73. a) Excite you about learning
new things?

74. b) Encourage your practicing
new skills as you gain
proficiency?

75. c) Endorse your setting
challenging goals that stretch
you to mastery?

76. These would be affirmations
that install beliefs that work as
you work:

77. "I can learn new things I've
never known before, think
what I never thought."

78. "I can improve by practice
what I am not skilled at yet,
until I do know how."

79. "I can keep working till I reach
my goals, pass my tests,
stretch to get success."

80. Instead of trying to get myself
to believe what is not yet true,
hopeful lies:

81. "I am bright, smart, brilliant,
and a genius, regardless of
how little I know."

82. "I am capable, competent,
able, proficient, though I never
rode a bike before."

83. "I am masterful and skilled,
accomplished and admired,
without having tried."

84. These are crazy affirmations,
perfect invitations for the
snarky self to sneer at.

85. What we need are affirmations
that are true now, that also
affirm a future reality.

86. Affirmations that can't be
sneered at by the snarky self,
but are also true now.

87. Next week's tool is another
kind of affirmation, the kind
that grows competence.

88. Affirmations that avoid the
snarky self discounting
because they are true.

89. And also empowering a future
that is not yet here, affirming
as real what will be.

90. These affirmations are of the
DO - BE - GET format. And
they are good for kids.

91. Our offspring and our younger-selves.
We create them in
reverse order.

92. So you can be thinking ahead,
if your younger-self is wanting
to feel capable.

93. Imagine what it is that your
younger-you wants to GET?
What goal? Outcome?

94. And imagine how you would
have to BE or BECOME to
achieve that.

95. Then imagine what you would
have to DO to become that
kind of person.

96. More to follow. More to grow.