Educating parties about the skills they can use to reconnect or to make their transition to a new type of family entity a smooth one. By educating excellent relationship skills we help partners and families stay connected for life!

1. Any Relationship Can Use a Tune-Up
By Diana L. Mercer, Esq
Mediator and Founder of Peace-Talks.com
Diana Mercer
Diana is the founder of Peace Talks, Collaborative Divorce Attorney and the co-
author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding
Your Life (Penguin 2010) and Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and A Psychologist Guide
You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster, 2001).
After 12 years of practicing as a top divorce litigator (1988-2000), she now devotes her
practice solely to mediation. She has conducted over 4000 mediations, and has received
over 450 hours of specialized, professional Family Law Mediation training.
Do you ever feel like you are never listened to? Or perhaps no one responds to you when you are
talking. This can be extremely frustrating and lead to fights and an extremely unsatisfying
relationship. How can you improve your connections with your significant other that will pay off in
dividend? Here are some communication “tune-up” tips that work:
First, in order to communicate effectively, you have to have the other person’s attention. The best
way to do that is to look your partner in the eye. When you have connected eye contact, you are
better able to read body language, such as nodding or facial expressions to confirm you are both
present.
Second, another key aspect of this process is active empathetic listening. This process shows that
you understand what is going on inside of the mind of the speaker as if you were that person. It is
not enough to just say that you heard your spouse’s words; you need to show that you know how
the other person feels.
How do you show that? By reflecting back what was said to you both verbally and nonverbally. For
example, a wife comes through the door after work and says that the bus was late; she doesn’t have
enough time to cook dinner and go workout; and by the way, the checking account is over drawn.
Doing active listening, the husband, instead of reacting to the checking account balance or the no
dinner, gently says, “It sounds like a lot of things went wrong today. I would be very frustrated too”.
This clearly demonstrates that the wife’s complaints were actually heard. Once this type of
response has been made, a channel is there to discuss her feelings and find a resolution to the
evening plans without bickering and fighting.
The third tip is to leave blaming and judgments out of your conversations. The best way to do this is
to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, in the above illustration, the
husband could have said to the wife, “You always run late, dinner is never ready on time and
furthermore, you are financially incompetent!” Instead he said, “I would feel frustrated too”. Thus,
the wife would not feel blamed, and be less likely to react defensively. Furthermore, using this
language technique allows partners to feel empathy for each and look for solutions in lieu of
retribution.

2. The fourth recommendation is to directly ask for how you want the other person to respond. For
example, if you have had a frustrating day like the woman in the above story, tell your partner that
you want to vent and you just want him to LISTEN. By doing this, you are taking care of your
feelings and needs and allowing the other person to be supportive by just letting you blow off
steam.
Therefore, as a suggestion, if your goal is to get your husband to listen, simply say, “I only want you
to listen, I do not want you to fix anything, I just want you to hear what I have to say.”
The fifth piece of advice is to appreciate the differences in the way you communicate. Your partner
may prefer to write about her feelings instead of vocalizing them. In contrast, the other partner may
chose to go for a run or walk after an argument to clear his head and then reconvene to work on
solutions. These differences should be cherished because when you appreciate the unique
communication style of the other person; you will get along better and be able to nurture a healthy
relationship.
Here at Peace Talks, we are all about communication… Educating parties about the skills they can
use to reconnect or to make their transition to a new type of family entity a smooth one. By
educating excellent relationship skills, we help partners and families stay connected for life!
About Peace Talks
Peace Talks is a collaborative divorce mediation firm that helps spouses file for a divorce in a
sane and sensible manner. Peace Talks provides divorce mediation services in Los Angeles and
throughout California. We have family law attorneys, family therapists and financial consultants
who can help you file for a divorce in a way that is less expensive than the courts in Los Angeles and
California. Visit www.peace-talks.com to learn more about how you can have a peaceful and
amicable divorce in Los Angeles.
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