Better understanding your Ego as a way to become better ScrumMasters

1. ScrumMaster gathering split (croatia), november 2014

2. Angel Medinilla
angel.medinilla@proyectalis.com
www.proyectalis.com/en/AngelMedinilla
(Slides, Videos, Newsletter, Books, Blog, LinkedIn, Sketchnotes, Twitter...)
Twitter: @angel_m
(would love some instant feedback!)

8. My Pleasure!
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9. First of all...
- Yes, this is tough
- It can make you uncomfortable
- I’m on my way too
- Suggestion: try to hold your “yes but...”

10. Ballerina experiment

11. Identity as a construction:
- Experience (memories, knowledge, skills)
- Relations (Family, Friends, society)
- Belonging (genetics, culture, material goods, habits)
- Paradigms (beliefs, values, likes, dislikes)
- Aspirations (purpose, interest)

12. Identity as a construction:
- Where is “Me”?
- Identity is a complex phenomenon
- Self image
- “I Am” as a self fulfilling prophecy

13. Identity as a construction:
- Self = border to others
- “You are German”, “You are white”, “You are catholic”, “you are an engineer”...
- There is an AWARENESS behind that (usually neglected!)
- Terry Pratchett’s “Second Thoughts”

14. Ego
- Defense / survival mechanism : “me” vs. “Not me”
- Self preservation: attachment, clinging...
- Reaffirms identity
- Changing ego is perceived as “destroying me”

15. Ego
- Is not a “bad thing”
- Ego is not “egoism”, “selfishness”
- Ego is not you, in fact

16. Freud
- Ego deals with the conflict between Id and super ego
- Id represents desire and instincts (short term, inconscious, “I want...”)
- super ego is an aspirational state (in western cultures, usually defined by “shoulds”
and “should nots”, parental standards and “leader” ideal)

17. Unhealthy ego
- Fear, anger, frustration
- Greed, aversion
- Denial, delusion, distortion
- blaming, projecting, passive agressive
- isolation, self-deprecation
- somatization, self-destruction

18. Unhealthy ego
- Addiction mechanism; when needs / desires are not met, ego reacts inflating pain
- that’s why most advertising speaks to the ego...
- neurotic dependence creates suffering

19. Ego management
- personify your ego: “Mind” management
- unhealthy behaviors do not belong to the mind: we can get rid of them
- we are not stuck with what we are born with
- neuroplasticity

20. Ego management
- Bahavad gita, boddhisatva way of life: “mind is an enemy for those who do not have
control over it”
- “Masakatsu Agatsu”

21. Healthy ego
- Calm, emotional control
- motivation, happiness
- tolerance, mercy
- responsibility, engagement

22. Why ego bother us?
- Ego vs others (like teams)
- We expect “others” to change
- We blame “others” for their egos

23. “Other-ism”
- Clash of egos
- we expect others to change
- tragedy of commons

24. “other-ism”
- Everyone loves themselves more than anyone else
- Everyone wants to be happy and stop suffering
- Meditate about that and you’ll love everyone!

25. “other-ism”
- “Ubuntu”
- Buddhism: there is no separate self (but there is a skillfull sense of self); there is no
clear boundary between your happiness and the happiness of others

26. “other-ism”
- “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of
ourselves” (Carl jung)

27. islands
- “Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about”

28. Mind mechanisms
- Paradigms, judging
- cognitive dissonance, rationalizing
- emotional hijack, predictable irrationality
- illusion of control
- ,,,

29. Inner voices
- The “comentator”
- The “second arrow”

30. How to deal with (your) ego
- Mind management
- Self compassion
- Knowing and changing yourself

31. 1) be aware!
- watch your ego at work
- cultivate mindfulness; regular scanning (ananda’s tale)
- use your inner compass; identify emotions and their triggers

32. 1) be aware!
- notice judgement (good/Bad, like/dislike, do this/do that...)
- cultivate listening and silence: let your awareness manifest!
- “when you know what the problem is, you’ll know more about the solution”

33. 2) overcome
- Stay positive, no matter what
- maintatin equanimity
-practice altruism
- connect to others

34. 2) overcome
- seek flow
- practice thought supression
- self-regulate your emotions
- “you don’t need to solve every problem”

35. 3) be open to change and growth
- Be ready to let go
- change your narratives
- develop an “ego immune system”

36. 3) be open to change and growth
- Reframe and relativize
- forgive, assume positive intention, appreciate
- take responsibility for your actions

37. “Yes, but...” (what about others)
- Set an example to them
- watch and listen: seek to understand
- be there for them
- everyone has it’s own journey
- help them see themselves

38. final thoughts
- Change is not denying
- focusing on other is not denying
- be the best possible version of yourself
- you will be remembered by the impact you had on people, not by how much work you
accomplished or how many times you were right

39. Exercise: listening levels + feedback
Level 1: “I don’t give a damm” (groups of 2, 5 min)
level 2: “i know everything” (groups of 2, 10 min)
level 3; “let’s look for a solution” (groups of 3, 15 min)

40. Exercise: listening levels + feedback
level 4: full active listening (groups of 4, 15 min)
explore, seek to understand, try to know more - no problem to solve
supervisors: look for coaching style and emotional responses
constructive feedback: give feedback to coach and coachee (5 min)
metafeedback: as a group, evaluate the feedback received. note down what worked well,
what needs to be improved (10 min)

41. More at http://Slideshare.net/proyectalis
Thank you and... BLOG IT!!
(Oh, yes, and buy the books!)
http://www.proyectalis.com/en/AngelMedinilla