A short introduction to Nonviolent Communication and some practical applications in the context of agile development.

1. Nonviolent
Communication
!
A rather violent Introduction
!
!
!
!
Sebastian Schürmann
@d_trainings / sebs@2xs.org
dissident-trainings.de

2. about.me
• Started with XP in 2005
• still coding github.com/sebs
• Freelance Developer, Trainer and Coach in all
things XP Practices dissident-trainings.de

3. XP Values
Simplicity
Communication
Feedback
Respect
Courage

4. I got 99 problems
Business people and developers
and communication
is one
must work …
Build projects around motivated
individuals …
…. technical excellence …
Working software is the primary
measure of progress

5. Triggerwarning

6. NVC
WTF?

7. • communication and conflict resolution process
• „spiritual“ practice
• set of values
• parenting technique
• world view
WTF
NVC is a ..

8. Communication process
that is likely
to inspire empathy
WTF

10. “Most people do not listen
with the intent to understand;
they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey

11. “Most people do not listen with
the intent to understand; they
listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey

12. Why are we not
listening?

14. Moralistic Judgments
blame, insults, put-downs, comparisons and (often)
diagnoses

16. Demands that imply
blame and punishment
if you fail to comply

18. Denial of responsibility
„I had to“

19. Comparisons

21. The premise of
„I deserve that“ …
talent, fate etc.

22. Overview

23. Conflicts
= =
Miscommunication

24. about
Human Needs

25. with coercion and
manipulation

26. Guilt, fear and shame
divert attention

27. 3 aspects of
NVC

28. Empathy
Listening to others

29. Self-Empathy
Starts with self awareness

30. Honest
Self-Expression
Authenticity

31. The Idea
Not so tree
hug-ish anymore!

32. Everyone has
the capacity for
compassion!

33. We resort to violence
when we do not recognize
a more effective strategy

34. Violence is learned
through culture

35. WTF

36. All behavior stems from
attempts to meet
universal human needs

37. Restorative partnership
vs.
Retributive, fear based
domination

38. Some basic
assumptions of NVC

39. 1. All Humans share
the same basic needs

40. 2. The World has
sufficient resources to
fulfill those needs

41. 3. All actions are
attempts to meet needs

42. 4. Feelings point to
needs met or unmet

43. 5. Everyone has the
capacity for compassion

44. 6. We enjoy giving

45. 7. Human beings meet
needs through
interdependent relationships

46. 8. Human beings
change

47. 9. Choice is internal

48. 10. The most direct path
to peace is through self-connection

49. Model

50. 1. Observations
Model

51. 1. Observations
2. Feelings
Model

52. 1. Observations
2. Feelings
Model
3. Needs

53. 1. Observations
2. Feelings
Model
3. Needs
4. Honest Request

54. Example:
You are the team lead.
Someone in fucks up the build!
(repeatedly)

55. 4 Choices!

56. His fault!

57. My fault!

58. How do I feel about it?
What are my needs that are not
addressed in this situation?

59. What did/does the person
possibly feel in the situation?
What are her needs?

60. Lets go through the
whole process!

61. What did we observe?

63. curious tender
Feelings
afraid
enraged
distracted incensed furious
warm

64. Needs Acceptance
Intimacy
Cooperation Belonging
Creativity
Beauty
Safety
Humor

65. The Question is:
What is the Question?

66. NVC Process
Observation Feeling
Request Need

67. Conclusions
• Separate Observations from
Judgements
• Do you feel it?
• What do you really need?
• Ask honestly (but ask)

69. Applications
IRL examples and experiments

70. NVC Canvas
Moderation tool

71. NVC Retrospective
• Q1: What did you observe?
• Q2: How did you feel?
• Q3: What are your needs?
• Q4: What do you want?

72. Prepare a performance
appraisal
• Ask the 4 question for you and your boss/
employee
• Have your notes and have lots of conversation
material

73. When ever you feel
someone is „wrong“!

74. Thank you for
listening
sebs@2xs.org
dissident-trainings.de
Twitter: @d_trainings