Cosponsored by the Association for Conflict Resolution Hawaii Chapter and the Hawaii State Bar Association ADR Section, this seminar on forgiveness in mediation was presented by Lou Chang.
2. Is Forgiveness appropriate?
Possible? To what purpose?
Masonic tragedy at Paradise Park
“It’s a hole with jagged edges. Over time the
edges may smooth out a little bit, but the hole in
your heart, the hole in your soul is still there.”
William Pettit, following a jury decision to impose the death penalty for the
man convicted of killing his wife and two daughters in their home.
South Africa’s Truth & Reconciliation
Commission.
A soul mate’s infidelity.
3. Apology and Forgiveness
o Apology, if sincerely given, can open path for:
communication
restoration of relationship
invite forgiveness
Not necessarily linked dynamics
Sometimes can be linked
4. Forgiveness: a definition by Christine Boesch
Forgiving is a wise, freely chosen option that fosters
the dignity of persons who forgive.
It is a strength in relationship to the other
a supplement to a pursuit for justice, and
an expression of self-control over justifiably angry
and/or vengeful impulses.
6. Observations:
The possibility of Forgiveness increases where there exists:
Faith or religious values of forgiveness
Strong ongoing interdependent relationships in family,
community, culture or country
Community or super-ordinate value of collective good.
Absence of intended or careless wrong
High degree of personal dis-ease or dysfunction
Respect the emotions. Understand the values.
7. Ho’oponopono,
a family process
Respected Haku to lead the process
Pule (opening prayer, call to gods and family guardians)
Kukulukumuhana (Affirmation of purpose, importance of
shared values of family, privacy and harmony)
Hala (Discussion of transgression, resulting
entanglements, reflection)
Mihi (Apology)
Kala ( Release or give forgiveness)
Oki (Cut away, sever, never resurrect)
Pule (Closing prayer)
Pani (Rituals, sharing of food)
8. Christian Forgiveness
Eph 4:31-32 (Phi) Let there be no more bitter resentment or
anger, no more shouting or slander, and let there be no bad
feeling of any kind among you. Be kind to each other, be
compassionate. Be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ's
sake has forgiven you.
Rom 12:17-21 (Phi) Don't pay back a bad turn by a bad turn, to
anyone. See that your public behavior is above criticism. As far
as your responsibility goes, live at peace with everyone. Never
take vengeance into your own hands, my dear friends: stand
back and let God punish if he will. For it is written: "It is mine
to avenge, I will repay," says the Lord. And it is also written: "If
your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him
something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals
on his head." Don't allow yourself to be overpowered by evil.
Take the offensive--overpower evil with good!
9. Christian Forgiveness
Colossians 3:13 bearing with one another and, if one
has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
10. Buddhist Forgiveness
To forgive is to let go of feeling hurt, to give up our
grudges. To forgive means to extend goodwill to those
that we feel are opposed to us, those who have
offended us, those who have hurt us, those who don't
like us, even those we regard as enemies. Forgiveness
is truly an act of self-transformation. When we forgive
we transform a negative mental state of resentment
and anger into a positive mental state of goodwill.
11. Buddhist Forgiveness
So you practice forgiveness for your own sake, to not be
locked in anger, fear, and resentment. Resentment,
whether cold fury or smoldering rage, hardens your
emotions, narrows your options in responding to life,
clouds your judgment, locks you out of experiencing the
flow of life, shifts your attention from those who matter to
you to those whom you disdain, and deadens your spirit.
Why would you choose to live in this manner? It gives
those who wronged you an even greater victory than their
original act. You also embrace forgiveness practice as an
act of selflessness, something that you can do to stop the
seemingly endless cycle of hatred in the world. The
Buddha said, "Hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love
dispels hate."
12. AMISH FORGIVENESS – A LESSON FOR THE REST OF US ?
Jonathan Kooker
Georgetown University Law Center
Multiple murder of 6 Amish schoolgirls, 2006
The shooter, Carl Roberts, kills himself as police
approach
Amish community values of non-violence and non-
aggression expresses immediate forgiveness
13. Amish - 2
Grandfather, while standing next to the girl’s dead
body, instructed his grandsons, “We must not think
evil of this man.” He went on to urge them to forgive
Mr. Roberts.
An Amish delegation visited the Roberts family and
told them, “Do not leave this area. Stay in your home
here. We forgive this man.”
The same day the girls were killed, members of the
Amish community met with the Roberts family to
grieve with and console them.
14. Amish - 3
Told ABC that Mrs. Roberts and her children would
not only be welcome in the community but also at the
funerals of the girls.
Most notably, however, was the attendance of dozens
of Amish at Mr. Roberts’ funeral.
15. Public Sentiment Varied:
Two views
Hatred is not always wrong
and forgiveness is not always
deserved. I admire the Amish
villagers’ resolve to live up to
their Christian ideals even
admit heartbreak, but how
many of us would really want
to live in a society in which no
one gets angry when children
are slaughtered?
There is a time to love and a
time to hate, Ecclesiastes ...
If anything deserves to be
hated, certainly it is the
pitiless murder of innocents.
In my heart, I am wondering if
[the Amish] are not giving a
message to America at a time
when we are so polarized and
gripped by an ethos of violence.
I begin to dream of an attitude of
forgiveness actually gripping our
whole nation. I wonder if, as a
nation, we did not miss the mark
after the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001…
What if, instead of vengeance, we
had spoken of grace and
forgiveness? I believe now that
such a response would have done
much more to “shock and awe”
our enemies than all the bombs
and cruise missiles dropped in
Afghanistan and Iraq.
Maybe our enemies might have
had their hearts moved?
16. Dis-Ease and dysfunction
Tangled braid of grief, anger, guilt, remorse, self-
blame
Fixation on loss and event
Inability to change focus
Immobilization and inability to function
Loss of energy
Sleep disruption
Knot in stomach
Physical pain and discomfort
17. Physiological Impact of Stress,
Grief, Anger and Sorrow
Loss of personal bond and support
Stress of loss added to other life stressors
Body responses:
Increased production of CRH, an anxiety hormone
Adrenaline to pump up the body
ACTH and Cortizone to level off the ACTH. High cortizone
levels impacts immune system and decreases thalamus ability
to produce effective white blood cells
Body becomes more susceptible to illness
Continuing stress linked to cardiovascular ailments
18. Where the pain, anger and sense of
loss causes individual stress, disease,
disability, dysfunction or distraction,
there exists an opportunity to
transform or channel the pain and
anguish toward productive and
positive outcomes. With or without
forgiveness.
19. Questions for Mediators
What is the proper role of a Mediator when
addressing the potential of forgiveness?
Blend of Mediation Strategies: Facilitative,
Transformative, Evaluative, Social Network…
To what purpose?
For whose benefit?
Should a Mediator “sell” the benefits of forgiveness?
When is it appropriate?
20. FORGIVING IN MEDIATION: WHAT ROLE?
J. Wescoat Sandlin
with thanks to MCP
Mediator Jana Wolff
Forgiveness is a journey. Mediator is a companion on
that journey from estrangement to hope.
Forgiveness, when offered, may build relationships
making reconciliation possible.
Forgiveness has potential to de-escalate conflict and
promote communication.
21. Forgiveness in Mediation-2
People don't come to mediation seeking help with
forgiveness.
“Time is precious, funds are limited … the temptation to
think of settlement rather than resolution as the goal
militates against ideal outcomes. We do the best we can.
Forgiving fades into the subconscious. Time constrains,
compelling us to settle or fight. Some disputes may only
be managed. Others may only be settled because there is
neither an ongoing relationship between the parties nor a
need or desire for there to be one. Yet there remains more
than a function or role for forgiving, particularly in
conflicts which cannot be settled with dollars.
22. Forgiveness in Mediation-3
Forgiveness is part of a healing process. It requires
time. It isn't likely to be started or finished in
mediation.
Forgiveness is not likely to be an early issue in
mediation.
Forgiveness is not required for reaching settlement.
Settlement doesn't result in forgiveness.
Forgiveness can serve two purposes: assist in
resolution and promote healing.
23. “I still have my moments of rage…. Suddenly this rage hit me. .
. .I do have setbacks, even when I’m sure I want to forgive.
That’s probably why I can’t handle that word “closure.” I get
sick of hearing it. The first time someone asked me about
closure was the day after Julie’s burial. Of course I was still in
hell then. In a way, I still am. How can there ever be true
closure? A part of my heart is gone . . .
It’s a struggle, but it’s one I need to wage. In any case,
forgiving is not something you just wake up one morning and
decide to do. You have to work through your anger and your
hatred as long as it’s there. You try to live each day a little
better than the one before.”
-Bud Welsh, whose daughter, Julie, died in the Alfred P. Murrah Building
that was bombed by Timothy McVeigh on April 19, 1995.
24. References
FORGIVING IN MEDIATION:
WHAT ROLE? J. Wescoat
Sandlin, MEd, MDiv, JD, LLM
Advanced Solutions Mediation &
Conflict Management Service Box
1293 Charleston, South Carolina
29402
Ho’oponopono: Hawaiian
Problem Solving, An
Information Guide. Joyce
Yukawa
Ho’oponopono:
contemporary uses of a
Hawaiian problem-solving
process. Victoria E. Shook,
University of Hawaii Press
The Art and Science of the
Apology. Nina Meierding MS,
JD Bainbridge Island, WA
AMISH FORGIVENESS – A
LESSON FOR THE REST OF
US ? Jonathan Kooker Georgetown
University Law Center
25. Quotations
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of
the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the
prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The
Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January
1983
Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for
yourself. ~Harriet Nelson
“If I continued to hate that man, I would be giving him
more power over me than he deserves. Forgiving him was
a way to banish him from my soul.”
26. Quotations:2
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does
enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese
…in spite of what anyone had done to me and in spite
of any good fortune that may come their way, I would
have the best life I could create. I told myself that no
matter what happens to them (good, bad, or
indifferent) it will have no bearing on whether I’m
able to move through the hurt and come out the
other side.
Vivian Scott. Article on forgiveness. Mediate.com
27. Boesch Model for Supporting
Forgiving in Mediation
Determine History of the Conflict and Begin to Build
Trust
Use anger as way to determine underlying
interests
Explore consequences of conflict upon energy
and focus
Transition to future orientation, exploring
party values and perspective of what is fair
outcome
Explore what has been tried and why not
worked
28. Boesch Model-2
Try to build an “other” orientation (recognition
and perspective)
Highlight any common ground or connection
to lower alienation
Establish Commitment to Ground Rules
Encourage openness to future oriented options,
avoid past-punishing
Ground rules to preserve dignity and self-
respect for all involved
29. Boesch Model-3
Seek Resolutions and Agreements
Reframe issues, interests and needs
Encourage positive attributions
Encourage appreciation for the complexities of human
behavior
Acknowledge efforts to gain control over anger
Identify what is needed for a fresh start
Promote making offers and collaborations between
parties
30. Boesch Model-4
After Settlement or Before Ending Mediation
Examine ways each party intends to keep
matters in the past. Are there new purposes and
goals?
Summarize what mediation accomplished
beyond settlement or lack of agreement. What
solid steps have been taken or achieved?
32. Exercise
Form a team of three persons
Take a situation (See slide of examples)
Apply the Boesch model and craft the steps,
statements and actions to address the potential of
forgiveness
What would you do?
What would you say?
33. Nine Steps to Forgiveness
Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.
1. Know exactly how you
feel about what happened
and be able to articulate
what about the situation is
not OK. Then, tell a
trusted couple of people
about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to
yourself to do what you
have to do to feel better.
Forgiveness is for you
and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not
necessarily mean
reconciliation with the person
that upset you, or condoning
of their action. What you are
after is to find peace.
Forgiveness can be defined as
the peace and understanding
that come from blaming that
which has hurt you less, taking
the life experience less
personally, and changing
your grievance story..
34. Luskin’s 9 steps-2
4. Get the right
perspective on what is
happening. Recognize
that your primary
distress is coming from
the hurt feelings,
thoughts and physical
upset you are suffering
now, not what offended
you or hurt you two
minutes or ten years
ago.
5. At the moment you
feel upset practice a
simple stress
management technique
to soothe your body’s
flight or fight response.
35. Luskin’s 9 steps -3
6. Give up expecting things
from other people, or your
life , that they do not choose
to give you. Recognize the
unenforceable rules you have
for your health or how you or
other people must behave.
Remind yourself that you can
hope for health, love,
friendship and prosperity and
work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking
for another way to get your
positive goals met than
through the experience that
has hurt you. Instead of mentally
replaying your hurt seek out new
ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived
is your best revenge. Instead of
focusing on your wounded
feelings, and thereby giving
the person who caused you
pain power over you, learn to
look for the love, beauty and
kindness around you.
9. Amend your grievance story to
remind you of the heroic choice
to forgive.
