The lessons I've learned in my journey through empathy, emotional intelligence, nonviolent communication and beyond—and how to apply these principles and practices with your teams.
14. @whitneyhess
EmpathyExceptional
Cautionary
• Have a hard time “reading” people
• Wait for their turn to talk, planning response
• Assume they know how other person feels
• Often surprised by what someone has
said or done
• Believe everyone thinks like they do
15. @whitneyhess
EmpathyExceptional
Cautionary
• Have a hard time “reading” people
• Wait for their turn to talk, planning response
• Assume they know how other person feels
• Often surprised by what someone has
said or done
• Believe everyone thinks like they do
More accurately read people’s moods and
non-verbal cues
•
Respect and relate well to people of
diverse backgrounds
•
Better predict others’ reactions •
Understand others’ perspectives
•
More effectively serve others’ needs •
27. @whitneyhess
All actions are attempts to meet needs
All needs are universal
All feelings point to needs being met or unmet
Nonviolent Communication Principles
28. @whitneyhess
All actions are attempts to meet needs
All needs are universal
All feelings point to needs being met or unmet
All conflicts are about strategies, not needs
Nonviolent Communication Principles
31. @whitneyhess
“ﬔey won’t let me do it the right way.”
“She’s stuck in the past.”
“He never listens.”
“He derails every meeting!”
“She’s always changes her mind.”
“ﬔey totally don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t pull his weight.”
“ﬔey don’t take me seriously.”
“I don’t get any credit.”
“I just don’t fit in.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
Jackal
32. @whitneyhess
“ﬔey won’t let me do it the right way.”
“She’s stuck in the past.”
“He never listens.”
“He derails every meeting!”
“She’s always changes her mind.”
“ﬔey totally don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t pull his weight.”
“ﬔey don’t take me seriously.”
“I don’t get any credit.”
“I just don’t fit in.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
Jackal => Giraffe
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Request
33. @whitneyhess
Jackal => Giraffe
He derails every meeting
He attends our team calls (but he’s not on our team)
He asks questions that were previously asked & answered
He requests more iterations and alternate solutions
He began speaking while I was still speaking
He repeats his own ideas
He shared a key piece of information only at the end
I didn’t invite him to the meeting, then he walked in
I directed a question to someone else and he replied
OBSERVATIONS“When…”
36. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Respect
Peace of Mind
Reassurance
Consideration
37. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Respect
Peace of Mind
“I’m guessing he feels…”
Hesitant Guarded
Excited Frustrated
Curious
Hopeful
Reassurance
Consideration
38. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Reassurance
Respect
Peace of Mind
Consideration
“I’m guessing he feels…”
Hesitant Guarded
Excited Frustrated
Curious
Hopeful
“Because he needs…”
Trust Inclusion
Contribution
Respect
Belonging
Competence
Consideration
To matter
39. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel…”
Frustrated Annoyed
Lost
Angry
Resentful
Uneasy
Withdrawn
“Because I need…”
Progress Trust
Order
Respect
Peace of Mind
“I’m guessing he feels…”
Hesitant Guarded
Excited Frustrated
Curious
Hopeful
“Because he needs…”
Trust Inclusion
Contribution
Respect
Belonging
Competence
Consideration
To matter
Reassurance
Consideration
40.
41. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel annoyed…”
“Because I need progress…”
“I’m guessing he feels frustrated…”
“Because he needs consideration…”
REQUEST“I would like…”
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Request
42. @whitneyhess
“When he repeats his own ideas…”
“I feel annoyed…”
“Because I need progress…”
“I’m guessing he feels frustrated…”
“Because he needs consideration…”
REQUEST“I would like…”
if we could get his thoughts in writing
a specific time in the agenda for his input
a separate meeting to gather his feedback
45. @whitneyhess
“ﬔey won’t let me do it the right way.”
“She’s stuck in the past.”
“He never listens.”
“He derails every meeting!”
“She’s always changes her mind.”
“ﬔey totally don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t pull his weight.”
“ﬔey don’t take me seriously.”
“I don’t get any credit.”
“I just don’t fit in.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
Jackal => Giraffe
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Request
46. @whitneyhess
Observation: “…”
“I feel…”
x x
x
x
x
x
x
“Because I need…”
x x
x
x
x
x
x
“I’m guessing they feel…”
x x
x x
x
x
“Because they need…”
x x
x
x
x
x
x
x
MINE THEIRS
FEELINGS
NEEDS
54. Self-Reflection: Empathy
ﬔink of the last time a coworker really
needed your understanding.
What outcome did they want from the
situation?
What did they do, say, think, feel?
How did you know what they really
needed, beyond their words?
55. Self-Reflection: Empathy
ﬔink of the last time a coworker really
needed your understanding.
What outcome did they want from the
situation?
What did they do, say, think, feel?
How did you know what they really
needed, beyond their words?