Being assertive vs. being aggressive

Dr. Yahya K. Mohammed Ali
Medical Adviser and Trainer
Qualified Pharma.
*
Yahya K. Mohammed Ali

*
*People sometimes cross the line from being
appropriately assertive to being
inappropriately aggressive.
* People may not even know how to distinguish
aggressiveness from assertiveness.
*Everyone should aspire to be assertive and
needs this trait to deal effectively with all
kinds of people.

*
*Being assertive means initiating ideas and opinions
in an appropriate and considerate way when
needed. When you are assertive, you are able to
voice and support your stances and needs to others
in a measured and effective way.
*Being aggressive means crossing the line from being
assertive to pushing for a stance, need, or desire.
Taken too far, it can be a win-lose attitude wherein
you want to win your point at any cost.

*
*When you are assertive, You can energetically
put forward your plans and suggestions because
you have listened and communicated with
others before sharing.

*
Aggressive People Assertive People
Push their agendas Are curious about the
agendas of others
Have an “I’m right/You’re
wrong” attitude
Believe “win/win” is always
possible
Don’t listen to ideas of
others
Intentionally listen
Are not flexible Can change their minds if
needed
Create a competitive
atmosphere
Believe in teamwork

*
*Aggressiveness scares people. It produces the
opposite effect of what the aggressive person
wants because many people automatically
apply their mental and emotional brakes when
they sense aggression.
*Assertiveness, on the other hand, inspires
confidence. No one is intimidated by a person
with good ideas.

*
*When it comes to versus aggression, the style
of delivery makes the difference.
*When you are assertive, you deliver your
suggestions in a polite way that shows
openness and respect for others. You
demonstrate that you like your ideas and
believe in them strongly, yet you are open to
the good ideas of others as well.
* You are collaborative instead of adamant and
unilateral.

*If you lack enough assertiveness, you will be
viewed as passive and lose the respect of your
peers and leaders.
*If you go past assertiveness and cross over into
aggressiveness, you will alienate people and
create resistance to your ideas and to you
personally.

*
*While you are holding the conversation, look for
verbal and nonverbal cues that you may be coming
across as too aggressive.
*Consider the “ask/tell ratio” as you plan your
remarks. This simply means you should have about a
2:1 ratio of questions you ask versus the points you
are making.
*You make the conversation seem like a group
discussion rather than you talking down to the team
*If you talk down to your team, your ideas may be
rejected even if they are very good.

*
*Without meaning to be, aggressive people can
be “me first” people.
*They want to speak first, go through the door
first, get recognition first, and be served first.
*In order to not become one of those people,
you want to make sure you’re taking into
account the feelings of others; otherwise,
you’ll end up alienating others.

*
*Perhaps even more difficult to deal with, and an
attitude you should avoid cultivating, is passive-
aggressive behavior.
*People who are passive-aggressive are just as
strongly motivated to do things their way as their
aggressive counterparts.
*Their methods of getting their way are more subtle
and behind-the-scenes.
*A passive-aggressive person may not tell someone
he minds something, but his behavior will
communicate his bad feelings.

*
*Passive-aggressive behavior is behavior that
promotes the agenda of one person who desires
to hide that agenda.
*In fairness, a passive-aggressive person may not
even recognize he is pushing behind the scenes
for his self-oriented agenda.
*He accomplishes his goals obliquely and subtly,
and he may see more forthright styles as too
aggressive.

*
*The passive-aggressive person uses emotional and
social guerilla tactics to level the playing field.
Their tactics are not as obvious as others, but they
are just as effective.
*Unlike aggressors, who are a bit more self-aware,
passive-aggressive people may be in a state of
denial, making solving the problem much more
difficult.
*If you see yourself in these passive-aggressive
traits, work on being more open and honest in your
communication, rather than stewing silently.

*
*Sometimes what you say is not offensive to
others, but your timing is.
*Can you delay the conversation until the
employees’ minds are fresher and they are
more receptive?
*Consider whether your conversation partner
has just experienced a major disappointment.
* Is this really the right time for a challenging
conversation?

*
*Even the most congenial person has to set some
limits on his time, willingness to yield, and
resources.
*Other people may ask you to do something that will
take far more time and effort than they realize.
* Still other folks do know they are asking too much,
but they will continue to do so until you say “no.”
*If you allow someone to burden you too much, it is
not all the other person’s fault—it is yours.
*You are responsible for setting forth what you are
willing to do and what you are not willing to do, in
polite, positive, and assertive language.

*
*This is known as boundary setting, and it is not a
bad thing.
*You must educate some people about how much you
can do and what things you cannot do.
*When you do realize that you are doing more than
your share on a project or in a relationship, it is
your responsibility to communicate the boundaries
of the relationship.
*Sometimes just understanding the issue from your
perspective is all another person needs to adjust
and start sharing an equal part of the load.

*
*You need to be clear and tactful when you
approach someone to set a boundary.
*Your intent should be to find a solution that
will improve the situation for you while
respecting the needs and feelings of your
partner.
*One formula for an assertiveness statement is
the Emotion, Situation, and Proposal approach:

*
* First, state in an undramatic way the emotion you are
feeling.
* Don’t say you feel abused, victimized, or taken advantage
of.
* Say that you feel your time is not being taken into account or
that you find the situation stressful.
* Saying that you find a situation stressful sounds far less
accusatory than that you feel abused.
* An example “A situation lately has been causing me a
surprising amount of stress”
* “I have been experiencing something lately that is having a
greater impact on my time than you or I could have
anticipated, but it has reached the point that I need your
input.”

*
*Second, very briefly and objectively describe
the situation that is bothering you.
*Try to avoid highly accusatory words or motives
to the other person.
*Try to describe the situation as a scientist
would describe what she observes.

*
*Finally, describe what you would like to have
happen next.
*Some people leave out the “Proposal” part of
the assertiveness statement because they feel
that allowing the other person to make the
proposal is preferable.
*They may also prefer to bring the proposal up
later after a good discussion of the first two
parts.

*
*No matter how cautious you are, the other person
may react negatively out of embarrassment, anger,
or resistance to change.
*They may lash out with angry words, or their
reaction may be more subtle and take the form of
giving you the silent treatment or giving you a look
that says they are shocked at your words.
*They may defend themselves and their actions or
even argue about the validity of what you have
said.

*
*Don’t let the possibility that your partner may react
negatively keep you from saying what you need to
say to improve the quality of your life.
*Most relationships grow stronger when this type of
honest dialogue takes place.
*If the relationship can’t take an uncomfortable
conversation here and there, it probably was not
going to be a long-term relationship anyway. You
may not have lost as much as you think.

*
* Aggression scares people and may actually make them more
resistant to your ideas.
* Assertiveness inspires confidence and makes people want to
support your ideas.
* Passive-aggressive people are just as focused on getting their
way as their aggressive counterparts, but their tactics are
not as obvious.
* Timing is important to schedule a difficult conversation.
* You should have about a 2:1 ratio of questions you ask versus
the points you are making.
* Set the boundaries you need by having a conversation based
on the ESP model: Emotion, Situation, and Proposal.

Being assertive vs. being aggressive

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